I came back from Training Camp with time to process, relax and sleep. I called a few people, read lots of blogs from my squad mates and did laundry. I posted my car to sell it one night and had it sold by the next night! God is so unpredictable and so kind! Still, when I come to write about my experience at Training Camp…my mind swirls with so many thoughts and memories…
I was reminded that Satan doesn’t want us to share our God stories. Satan just has to distract us and we miss what God calls us to do. But God has brought us out of the dominion of darkness and through Jesus we have the authority because we belong to Him. Jesus has ALL authority according to Matthew 28, which means the devil has NO authority and is like a mouse with a microphone.
SO…Training Camp was intense. Most nights I slept in my tent – which was hot going to sleep then about 2am it was cold. One night, we slept in a room designed to imitate an international airport; which means it was bright and loud the whole night. Thank goodness for earplugs and sleep masks! Another night we slept in a community tent with 11 other girls. That night I woke up with someone’s legs on top of my feet and since it was dark and I am blind I had no idea who it was but I just made room for her. J Needless to say, I was often tired each day and naps were nonexistent. (I accidently fell asleep for brief moments during a reflection art activity…I’m glad God is gracious and kind!)
There were other new experiences such as eating curry chicken and rice with my fingers, serving each other out of a community platter, showering with cups of cold water and competing in a flour and marshmallow relay. Training Camp was physically straining, but more importantly it was a place where vulnerability and growth happened.
During Training Camp, God kept demonstrating his kindness to me. At the airport, two squadmates reached out to me and waited for me to awkwardly unzip, fold and latch on my pack. Even in the beginning, it was like God saying to me that I am not alone and that he sees me. As the days unfolded, it was amazing to be a part of a group of people who were willing to be vulnerable, who constantly stepped out of their comfort zones and encouraged others to join them too. So many from my squad were bold and open, and part of me wanted to be like them and another part was scared to death.
At the beginning of camp, the worship band encouraged us to be free in our worship and singing. They said that we each had different ways to connect with our Father because he created us differently. It was awesome to see people not worried about what anyone else thought and worship Jesus fully. Some people lifted their hands, some danced, some got on their knees and some sang their own words. Some people went and prayed for other individuals. One night this is happening all around me and I kept thinking “God, why can’t I feel Your presence like these people?”
Then one of our coaches comes to me, grabs my shoulders and says, “God sees you. God sees you.”
Tears started falling as I just stood there and allowed His presence to fill me. I realized that God is gentle and kind. He hears our small doubts and big fears. He pursues us with His relentless love.
Then a couple moments later, God used another person to remind me of His great love for me. A guy came on stage and read Ephesians 1. If you don’t know what Ephesians 1 says GO NOW and read it! I was in awe because this summer I had been meditating on this very chapter. It says, “before the foundation of the world, He chose us (or ME).” To remind myself what Jesus said to me, I wrote in my journal, “He redeemed me and made me His daughter no matter how I feel or the lies I’m believing.”
God the Father tenderly reminded me that it is not about feelings or my own thoughts. But that He sees me as His daughter. I am His masterpiece. I am His Beloved. No matter if I feel His presence or if I mess up, I belong in Christ Jesus.
For me, the rest of camp the theme was ‘God sees me’. A lot of times, He used other people to demonstrate this, like in a conversation, a prayer, or when two dear friends pulled me up on the last hill of the hike. J He showed me that I am seen and that I am known.
When I cling to this truth, I can be bold and open. Instead of kicking down walls of fear, I can allow Jesus to lift me up over them. With this, I can allow others to see the real me because I know the God of the Universe created me and chose me.
I’m still in process. I wanted to write that I am still fighting for freedom in this area – but God reminded me of 2 Chronicles 20:17 “You do not have to fight this battle. Position yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD.” And He reminded me of Psalm 46:10-11, “Stop your fighting, and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth. The LORD of Armies is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold.”
Again, God sees me and knows my struggles, my fears and doubts. But He just wants me to stand firm in His love. He will do the rest.
I am so thankful for the beautiful people I met at camp who loved me so well. I am also so thankful for all who are supporting me in love, prayer and funds. I thank God for you!
God bless!
Michelle
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