We arrived in Romania, month 10 (can you believe it?!?), a week ago and boy has it been a whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Our first full day was Monday and we had an orientation day to get us introduced to our host, Raul, the ministries available and to introduce ourselves to them. Raul is an extremely relational human being and I have seen more intentionality in his spirit in this week than I’ve seen in many people after years of knowing them. He desires to know people, see people and ask the hard things, even when it’s uncomfortable.
He had given us a few questions to answer the night before to come prepared to answer at orientation so he could get to know us a little bit.
A few of these included, ‘who are you in the US?’, ‘who are you in the Kingdom?’, ‘what are your expectations for Raul?’, ‘do you have a 5 year goal’ and more.
As it got closer and closer to my turn, I had absolutely no idea what I would say, even though I had my answers written down. I asked the Holy Spirit to speak because I was simply unable to.
You see, the past week I really struggled with the lies of inadequacy and believing that my gifts, if I even had any, were even necessary for the Kingdom.
I felt Raul’s eyes on me and he cued me to speak. As I began saying my written answers, the Lord took over…I guess. As he asked me the question of ‘what is your role in the Kingdom?’ I began to share my feelings of complete inadequacy. I shared how I didn’t feel necessary and I felt that my gifts, whatever they were, weren’t as good or important as the gifts of my squad mates.
I began to weep.
As I wept and tried to find words, I felt hands stretch out and touch me from in front, behind, and on all sides. I was surrounded…with love, protection and encouragement. I was surrounded with people who love me and who see value in my gifts…and simply people who see my gifts and who care enough to call them out in me.
Raul, barely knowing me, looked me in the eyes and said, ‘let’s pray for her’. He told Hannah Beth (HB), my sweet friend, to pray for me. As she prayed, she began to weep along with me…she felt my hurts and pain. I felt hands cover me from all around as my squad mates covered me in prayer and love.
I didn’t go to ministry the next day to be with the Lord and spend time in prayer to listen for his voice and his answers. Raul noticed I was gone. He asked HB where I was and she gave him a simple answer but enough to tell him that I needed time with the Lord. The next day, he requested that I do ministry alongside/near him and he sought me out to hear my struggle and speak into it.
As the week continued on, I often got asked how I was doing. My squad came alongside me and encouraged me in one of the most difficult days and experiences I’ve had on the race so far.
I tell you all this to encourage you.
I encourage you that you too have gifts. Even when you feel inadequate, even when you feel that your gifts and abilities aren’t important, God gave them to you and they are important.
I encourage you to find a community who will press in, speak truth, pray for and weep with you. Find people who love you enough to go through the toughest battles with you.
I firmly believe that these feelings I had were, and are, an attack from the enemy himself. You see, I have recently begun to try to figure out my gifts and to press into them. As I begin to think of coming home, I have been seeking to know the things I am gifted in and passionate about in order to really press into the Lord’s calling over my life.
But isn’t it just like the enemy to come on full force when he sees us trying to live into the person God created us to be? He doesn’t want me to know my gifts because if I do, what kind of impact for the Kingdom of God will I have? It’s unfathomable.
I am daily fighting these lies from the enemy and I believe I will continue to do so for a long time. I know though, that in the end, the fight is worth the victory. I will be victorious because I have God on my side. I have His spirit in me and I have his army fighting on my behalf.
On one of my most difficult days, the Lord revealed to me that my story, my struggles, this attack, could and would encourage one of you. And I pray it does.
