Today has been hard to know what to write about. My mind has been occupied with things the Lord is walking me through, learning to trust, and honestly, wanting to be home but then fearing what the will look like.
We’re in month 8 now…the end of it at that, we only have 1 week left. That’s terrifying but also really exciting. I’m ready to be home with my family, to sit in the good, the hard and the restoration with them. I’m ready to see my sisters and my brother, my parents, I’m ready for my sweet Rayah to jump on me and I’m ready to just cuddle up on the floor with both of my dogs wrapped in my (don’t judge) zebra snuggie.
But then, I’m not ready. I know the Lord has so much more to teach me and grow me in on the race and I’m not ready for this season to be finished…it’s a lot of mixed emotions to say the least.
Going home is TERRIFYING. Lets be honest, it’s been almost a full 8 months since I was home, since I saw any of my friends and at least that long since I’ve seen all of my family except for my mom who came in month 6 to India. I have the fear of everything being different, my friends being different, me being different and the biggest one…NOT HAVING COMMUNITY.
After living in community LITERALLY 24/7 for 11 months straight, going home is going to suck in a sense. I honestly think it’s going to be the hardest part of the race (because post race is still the race…I’ve decided this journey isn’t stopping when I step foot back on sweet Texas soil.) BUT it’s going to be a different phase of the race…COMPLETELY.
My team was all supposed to go to a Bible study tonight and I really felt I needed some 1-on-1, alone time with Jesus to process the tough things. I’m so thankful for the grace I received from Suze in telling her I was staying back. Suze knows me, she could tell I needed this time.
So here I sit in our tiny little apartment kitchen, all alone, watching the sun rays fade on the side of Mount Ararat, listening to worship music and the constant chirping of the birds that swarm outside our windows.
I stood for a moment, with the window open, watching the birds swooping so close to me I thought they were going to join me inside, and worshipped. In this brief moment, I heard the Father say to me, ‘If I take such good care of these birds, why don’t you trust me to take care of you? Why do you think I won’t sit with you in learning to trust and processing through things? And why do you think I won’t be present when you go home and seek community? I will provide it all. I love you.’
Y’all, I stood in tears for a moment knowing that HE HAS IT IN HIS HANDS. I have nothing to worry about. As humans, we have a hard time trusting that…and there are ups and downs and we will go through seasons…but HE NEVER CHANGES as the seasons and situations do.
He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
He is my companion.
He is my provider.
He is my helper.
He is my comfort.
He is my answer.
He is my everything.
So, although my struggles aren’t gone and my fears are still very real, MY GOD IS BIGGER. He will walk with me through it all.
Matthew 6:26 ‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?’
