It has been about 5 months since the race ended. It feels like just yesterday we were all worshipping together, having lip sync battles/talent shows, walking the streets of Antigua, eating pad thai, making weekend runs to Matata, and cooking at midnight. It’s difficult leaving that raw community and coming back home. Where home now seems foreign; and the unfamiliar feels like home. The processing that takes place when entering what is supposed to be the “norm” doesn’t seem to end.
I am still processing my race. The way the Lord is walking me through it looks different than I thought it would.
One thing that the Lord has brought to my attention is my fear of failing. I tend to be quite the perfectionist which in some situations can be helpful, but I’ve realized that for most of my life I have let this control me. I have missed out on so many things because I am afraid of not doing them well/failing. If you know me, I am not a risk taker. But I dream about taking risks. I literally play out scenarios in my head with a Malia who is brave enough. Feeling enough is something I still struggle with. I know that Jesus died on the cross for me. I know that God sent his only son so that we could have freedom. And I know that he loves us. A love most of the time I cannot fathom. A love that knows my depths and still calls me beautiful. I know all of these things and I believe it. But I have these moments where I don’t feel I am enough.
The truth is, I am very unqualified for a lot of things. If I was qualified for everything, I wouldn’t need a Savior who qualifies me. I do believe that Christ is enough. God has been teaching me that in the moments where I don’t feel enough, to look to Him. Because if Christ is enough for us, aren’t we enough? No, we are not equal to God. But, he is the vine and we are the branches. And whoever abides in Him will bear fruit. But we cannot bear fruit without the vine. Without Him we are nothing. (John 15:5) Because of Him we are enough.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 A verse that is repeated so many times, but do we truly believe it? God wants to use us to do the impossible. Will you let Him?
