A lot of people don’t know my testimony. While on the race I feel like I have shared it a countless amount of times. The Lord has prompted me to write this blog and this is a big step of vulnerability for me. He has shown me that I have many testimonies throughout my life and even in the span of a day. God has brought me so far and I know he is only going to continue to transform me.
Growing up I was blessed, and still am, with an incredible family who loves the Lord. My parents did a great job of raising my sisters and I. I’ve been going to the same church my whole life which is kind of like my second home. I accepted Jesus at around the age of 6 but I wasn’t sure what that all entailed. Ever since I can remember I’ve always had strong convictions. I don’t remember much of my childhood. I was a quiet kid and never spoke out except for in my own house. I was perfect in the classroom but rebellious at home. I let myself believe that I was the problem child for years.
Middle school was a lot of trying to figure out who I was. I didn’t like myself and wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I began to be more involved in church and the youth group was my safe place.
When I started high school I was really deep into pornography. I had struggled with my mind and my thoughts since elementary and found myself slowly drowning in it from middle school to then. I became addicted and it lasted all four years. I hated myself for continuing to do it. I wanted to stop and I felt convicted but I was so ashamed to tell anyone. I kept it in for a long time. It felt as if I was the only one struggling, which I know now was not true.
Before the start of my junior year I went on a missions trip to El Salvador with some of the youth at our church. I loved every second of it. I started leading worship in the youth group when I started school again. I then became involved leading worship and a small group in the children’s ministry and then the choir at church as well. A bit overwhelming, but I loved serving.
My senior year I was in a relationship that started out really great. Slowly over time we started breaking boundaries and I lost my virginity that year. I knew the Bible. I knew right from wrong and what the Lord says but my flesh was so strong. I was so deep into sin I didn’t care about myself. I pushed a lot of people away, including my family. I felt terrible about myself but I couldn’t stop. My worth was in pleasing him and if it was giving up myself then I didn’t think twice. I fell into depression and was suicidal. I was the victim in every situation. I felt as if I weren’t alive life would be so much better for everyone. I was still leading worship and involved in the church. I wanted to take a break, but I cared too much about what everyone thought about me. I cried leading almost every time in that season because I was so emotionally unstable. I was living a double life.
I wish I could say that I was radically healed from everything and was completely sold out for Jesus in a day. But that’s not what happened. What happened is I decided to follow Jesus again. And through it he is healing me; still healing me.
For the longest time I thought I wasn’t worth anything. I hated when people did nice things for me. I didn’t understand why people wanted to have a relationship/friendship with me. My identity was found in what others thought of me and not what God says. Even now I still struggle with these things sometimes. I wish I could say that I’m 100% now, but I’m not. And that’s okay because God uses broken people.
God has changed my life these past 7 months. I can’t even tell you in a day everything that I’ve learned, seen, experienced, etc. But one thing I have learned is that he didn’t just die for the world, he died for every single person. I didn’t believe this until I think this past week. And the enemy never fails to remind me of my past. But it’s okay, because I know the truth and the truth sets me free. And remember that you are also worth it. A man sacrificing himself on the cross knowing that we still will mess up IS perfect love.
If you want to know more about anything I would love to talk with you.
