Wow oh wow, how time flies by. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted.
NO SHOWERS
After around 90 hours of travel, 6 flights, 6 countries, a missed flight and some misplaced luggage we made it to Colombia! also constant travel means no time to bathe so we were all excited to land somewhere. It was hard saying goodbye to Asia but I have so quickly fallen in love with this country and these people.
Jet lag kicked my butt the first few days and unfortunately my lowered immune system took a beating and I spent the first week that I wanted to spend in ministry locked up in an apartment pretty sick. Luckily one of my teammates is a nurse and very graciously would answer all of my questions and assured me I probably didn’t have the things google had diagnosed me with.
I’m really blessed with an awesome team that never complained about the extra work they picked up.
It kind of stunk being stuck inside because the ministry here is so amazing, and y’all, we’ve gained quiet a few people into our family this past week. God’s working here. I was really excited to jump in but my body just wasn’t having it. It was hard.
Even though I struggled with being stuck inside while the world kept spinning, it was a really cool time I could spend in the word and just talking to God. It wasn’t easy conversations though.
Being cooped up I had a lot of time for my thoughts to run rampant. Before too long my anxiety started to creep in. A question I often get asked is “what are you doing after the race?” And I always jokingly answer, “oh I’m saving month 8 to worry about that.”
NO SLEEP
One of our first nights in Colombia I found myself wide awake at 3 am from jet lag. As I stared up at our dark ceiling from my little sleeping pad on the floor the realization hit me like gas station nachos that have set out a hair past a freckle too long on a hot summer’s day. It’s month 8! Cue the nervous sweats.
NO PEACE
Needless to say, the extra time I gained in my sickness I spent thinking about all the things I have zero answers to and it was not super restful.
Something I really appreciate is how awesome the staff of AIM is. Seriously, I’ve never been in a group of people that are as intentional and God minded as the people at AIM. With everything I’ve come to them with they have always pointed me back to Jesus and called me higher when I needed it.
So when my anxiety started getting out of hand my mentor let me sign up for a time slot to speak with him.
As I poured out everything I was battling with, he listened patiently. When I was done he repeated back to me what he heard. He called me higher and told me some things I needed to hear and he asked me some really great questions.
He basically told me that I was picking up this huge weight that I was never meant to carry and he asked me if I was scared God would be mad at me if I “choose the wrong thing.” I immediately said, “no… I mean.. I don’t think so.. maybe?”
I struggled for a long time with God’s character. I felt like an exception to His grace. I felt like He was angry and demanded me to be better. I never felt good enough and I felt like there wasn’t room for mistakes.
Coming on the race my relationship with the Lord looks totally different. I’ve learned so much and I feel like in a lot of ways I’ve grown. I’ve overcome a lot of fears and I’ve experienced His love on so many new levels.
Despite the things I’ve been learning, the truth is, I still have a huge fear of making the wrong decisions and messing everything up.
I’ve had some hard things come up this week and I’ve seen myself revert back to things I thought I had overcome and I realized that I actually do have a fear of God becoming angry with me and leaving me in my mess.
I’ve struggled with fear, anxiety, self-worth and forgiveness just to name a few. Not to mention the core of those things is the need to be in control due to a lack of faith that God will show up if I let go.
It feels crazy that I’m struggling with these things because God has shown up over and over again and has been so faithful.
It’s frustrating to think I have to come back to things I want to be in the past. It’s not the same. Before I honestly didn’t know or understand God’s love and grace for me. Now I’m just trying to get it from my head to my heart. Before I was so unaware of why I reacted and thought the way I did. Now I can usually pause and ask myself “why does that bother you so much?” And get to an answer fairly quickly. More often than not, the stuff that bothers me so much is a lot deeper than one person hurting me and it’s not fair for people to get all of that when they were in actuality just a small part of it. I’m learning that sometimes things come in cycles and I feel like God wants to take me to depths I wasn’t ready for before.
I’m learning to show myself grace (this is still a forreal battle though)
I’m human and I’m not perfect and I’m going to mess up daily and God knows that. It’s not an excuse to live however I see fit, but when I can’t show myself grace it’s almost like saying Jesus’ blood isn’t enough.
Life is messy sometimes. Most of the time actually. I’m learning that my mess isn’t too big or too scary for God.
Following God isn’t usually easy but it’s so rewarding and so much deeper and I say all this to say there is healing. It’s a process but its available. I think sometimes we have to get really sick to see a need for healing.
So this is just a friendly reminder to let God into your mess. It’s not going to scare Him away.
Ways you can be praying for us this month:
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That God would continue to work through this ministry in transforming people’s lives.
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I’m feeling much better but I’m still not 100% so for me and also my team to be healthy and ready to jump into whatever He has in store for us.
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That we would finish the race strong.
I love and appreciate you guys so much!
