Choices. Confusion. Damage. Fear.

Everything was fine. It started with a small decision. Now somehow it’s years later and I’m asking how did it ever get this far?

I’m changing. I want to make better choices but is it too late?

I’m being rushed into the emergency room and they’re talking about surgery.

I’m pretty scared. 

I’m really angry.

Why did the doctor ever let me get this bad? Why didn’t he warn me?

I’ve been in a lot of pain and he could have kept me from going through any of this.

Surgery is for sure not a pleasant process. It’s going to take time to heal, there’s no getting around that.

I think what we often don’t realize is when we constantly make poor decisions, when we let things build up, when we let things get really bad, it’s not going to get better over night.

Healing can be a really long and difficult process and even when it’s all said and done we still might have some aches and pains and scars.

 

It would actually be crazy to blame the doctor for our bad health. We have free will, we didn’t have to have that pack of cigarettes, or that extra drink (or in my case extra salt). There are warnings on basically everything, all we have to do is look.

 

Ok, so first off I would like to apologize for the lack of updates recently. I think I’ve started about 4 different blogs and have rewritten each of them so many times that they look nothing like the originals and none of them have a bow on them. I’ve noticed a lot of this season of my life hasn’t really had a pretty bow.

 

Also, the surgery is totally metaphorical. I’m fine mom, I swear.  

 

Something that I have very much struggled with most of my life is finding a healthy balance. I think in my head I have a lot of good intentions and I want to be the best version of me that  I can be but sometimes that leads to me being very self-absorbed and honestly down right selfish.

 

I think coming on the race my biggest fear was to come back the same, to not grow at all. I think a lot of my actions have been out fear. Fear of failing. Fear of disappointing. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of messing everything up. Honestly, it’s been really hard for me to know what the right thing to do is. This has lead to a ton of anxiety.

 

I also initially had this idea of loving others super well and just being so ready to save the world. When month two had passed and I felt like I had zero impact I got super discouraged but at some point I realized how prideful I was actually being. I mean who am I to think that I have the power to save anyone? I for sure haven’t been able to save myself.

 

I haven’t been great at showing a lot of the fruits of the spirit. I know in my heart that I want those things and I want to love others well but it’s been hard and a couple of days ago I think I had this break through of so many ways I’ve made it harder on myself then it had to be.

 

I don’t really know how to explain the way my mind has worked since leaving home. It’s almost like I’ve been in this fog and everything has felt a little confusing and chaotic. I feel closer to God now than ever before and yet I have so many more questions. I feel like I have more understanding of God and His heart but also feeling totally dumbfounded about who He actually is. Everything feels a little contradictory and I haven’t really known what it means to love others like God does and show that love in great ways.

 

I’ve made some poor decisions in life. So here I am, this messy person with a messy story and I want to be selfless and I want to love others and I want to be full of Joy. I’ve spent most of the race thinking to be all of those things I had to get my life in order. I’ve put a ton of energy into trying to fix everything and always come up short.

 

One of our squad leaders had actually talked about this metaphor a few months ago and it’s really starting to make sense to me lately.

I’m putting so much energy and time into trying to understand everything and fix everything but it’s like God is trying to work on me and I’m fighting the anesthesia and telling Him how to do His job. That’s insane! I have zero medical training, there is no reason I should think I know better than my surgeon.

 

It’s like He’s saying, “I’m really good at this. Maybe you haven’t heard but I’m kind of a big deal, I’m the ultimate healer but you’re making this more painful than what it has to be. What I need you to do is be still and let me work. I need you to trust me.”  

 

At church Sunday the preacher said something that really stuck with me. He said, “Don’t try to fix your life, fix your focus. Cause when God is your focus, then God can fix your life.”

 

He was talking about some of the traps that the enemy will throw at us and they are so personal but the two he addressed really hit home.

 

1. Distraction from God. That doesn’t mean that whatever is distracting us should get no attention  but we might be giving it the wrong attention. It doesn’t even necessarily mean what is distracting us is a sin in and of itself, but once it becomes our focus above God, that’s when it can become an issue.

(Luke 10:38-42)

2. Inaction. “Vision without execution is hallucination.”

 

James 1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

My focus has been on trying to fix myself and my life and I’ve been missing out on a lot of incredible things God has had for me. It’s not to say I should completely ignore my issues but instead of obsessing over fixing everything to refocus on God and let Him take care of me.

 

Instead of dreaming about being a better and healthier person and being there for others someday I can actually act on those things. I can be present and love others in my mess. If we waited to feel perfect or have everything in our lives figured out than we would be waiting forever. Because God loves me I can love others. Period. It’s not possible for me to be perfect. It’s just up to me to have faith in God’s hands and let Him do His thing.

 

The cool thing is I can trust God more than I could ever trust any surgeon. He actually died for me and my mess and He loves me and calls me beautiful, scars and all.

 

I think it’s going to have to be a daily decision for me to stay present and live and love in today. I think the past couple of days have for sure been an amazing start to this process. I’ve gotten to be present and find joy in a lot of my squad mates and honestly have one of the best days I think I’ve had on the race yet. I’m super stoked to see what the next 5 and half months hold. But really the end of the race is just the beginning of the rest of my life.

(keep scrolling for pictures and videos of the past few days!) 

Church on Sunday! 

Ministry with my Vathos girls! 

Kiddos! 

Paddle boat dates with Brie!

Dancing! 

Climbing Trees! 

Team pie dates! 

And last but definitely not least!!!!

Me and Sharonne learning how to bachata!