So if you’ve been keeping up with my blogs, you’re aware that for our adventure days for month 2, we were able to go to Greece and camp out on the beach!
It was such a surprise and everything seemed to be so perfect. Two mornings in a row I woke up, walked a few feet, and watched the sunrise over the sea.
I snorkeled and swam in a school of fish and had my own little adventure in trying to avoid stepping on sea urchins. I also ate one of the best gyros of my life.
I was faced with the age-old question of, “If you’re friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” Turns out I totally would, and totally did (sorry mom and dad).
I was seeing God’s beauty all around me, facing fears, and having the time of my life.
I mean, I actually got to walk where Paul walked and shared the gospel. How freakin cool is that?!
But how the story so often goes, things couldn’t stay perfect forever.
The morning we had to say our goodbyes had come. I was sad to be leaving, but super stoked about the ministry we would be starting the next morning in Romania.
We stopped for breakfast on the way out, and as I went to pay, my heart fell to my stomach. My debit card was missing! I literally dropped to my knees and started pulling everything out of my bag. This could not be happening!
My mind shot back to the night before when I remembered for some odd reason thinking, “I should check my wallet…” and decided to ignore that thought because I was busy with other things.
I’m in full panic mode once I realize I’m going to have to call my parents and tell them to cancel my card, knowing there’s no way I can get another one until month 4.
I know what you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh! Her identity was stolen and her whole life is ruined?!” You are mistaken. (Also, can you cut back on the drama please?)
Long story short, my identity hadn’t been stolen at all, I just forgot my card while I was getting a smoothie the night before. We had to drive over an hour out of the way there and back, but praise the Lord, they held my card for me until I came to pick it up!
So why is my blog titled “My Identity Was Stolen?”
You might be asking yourself, “Did she just tell me a totally unnecessary story that isn’t actually what the blog is about?”
Absolutely not! I mean.. kinda, but it’ll make sense in a bit.
It was actually month 1 when I came to the realization that my identity had been stolen a long time ago. I was busy living life and being careless in where I held my worth and when my world came crashing down and I needed to know who I was, I had no idea.
I panicked.
Everyone thought I was so sure I knew who I was and where I was going, I kind of thought I did too…
Like I dreaded telling my parents my card was gone, I didn’t want people to know I’d been so careless and lost myself.
The truth is there were so many things in my life, that instead of facing, I buried them down really deep. I didn’t speak of them and most of the time I could even go a while without thinking about them but in doing this I started wearing so many different masks.
For a while I was oblivious to how much I was actually burying. I went on with life like normal and believed I was ok. I would have moments where the thought would pass to check myself but I ignored it and told myself it was nothing. The biggest problem was instead of finding my worth in Jesus I had every bit of it wrapped up in my relationships with others.
I forgot what the core of my problems really were and things got really hard, but I didn’t know why.
I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Everyone saw a bubbly and excited teenager ready to take on life.
I struggled with feeling like I was enough or that I was worth being loved. My friends saw confidence.
I struggled with home situations. My friends thought my family had it all together.
When my world came crashing down and I didn’t know who I was I didn’t know how to even carry myself. I walked in a lot of shame and seemed to totally forget how to communicate with others.
My masks had been shattered and I didn’t know how to put them back together.
I struggled with wanting to be known vs. not wanting people to know the real me, whoever that even was.
But in all of this struggle a battle started within myself. And in month one I realized I hadn’t just lost my identity but it had been stolen.
It’s true that I had been very careless with it and a lot of the blame is on me. Like knowing I’m going somewhere that has a lot of pickpockets and flashing my wallet around and sticking it in my back pocket.
The Bible says that Satan is like a lion that comes seeking to steal, kill and destroy.
I was so stuck in everything happening and honestly inside of my own head that I wasn’t giving God any room to move. It’s hard to say what was me and what was a tactic of the enemy but I do know I wasn’t being used by God and I know that the devil loves that.
I sat in this victim circle for so long, feeling like there was nothing I could do and I had no power. That was a lie.
The truth is God created each of us with a purpose and when we become His child He gives us power. I mean from the beginning He gave us dominion over the earth! I mean wow, how cool is that?
I can’t be in control over everything all the time. There are situations that are totally out of my control, but I don’t have to be a victim. I don’t have to be trapped.
I can control my perspective and how I react to the things life throws at me. It’ll take some time for it to come naturally, it’s going to take some rewiring but God has given us this amazing freedom. Instead of burying things I can bring them to the light and let God help me through it.
I wanted to be able to put a bow on all of this before sharing but as of right now I don’t have one. That’s ok.
I’m not going to say I know exactly who I am or who I should be, but finding my identity in Jesus has been a really cool process. And when life throws things at me I can be reminded that I’m a child of the King and that’s something no one can steal.
