Confession.
Sometimes it’s hard to trust fully.
Sometimes it’s easy to calculate and then recalculate until we finally like what we see.
Sometimes it’s easy to take our blessings for granted.
And sometimes Gods blessings are the struggle. The struggle itself has taught me more about myself than I would like to admit is true. It’s taught me something that even though I didn’t want to hear it, I needed to know.
$18,000 is a LOT. I knew that going into the race and I knew that if this is what Gods will is for me then He will make it happen.
And yet here I am, over $10,000 away from being fully funded dividing up that sum in every way imaginable to see how I can possibly come up with that money.
“What if I divide it by 100? then I’ll only need 100 people to donate $108.71!
Wait… Oh yeah… 100 people is a lot… and well $100 is a lot… Well, that’s not going to work.”
I don’t always think like this. Sometimes it’s easier for me to have faith than other times. And I haven’t felt panicked. It’s just like this constant little irritating voice in the back of my mind always reminding me to check my funding status every few hours. Telling me how important it is to be fully funded before I leave so I can focus completely on ministry and not trying to raise funds from across the world.
I knew $18,000 was a lot, but I don’t think I fully realized just how much it was until I started calculating.The more I calculated, the more ungrateful I would become. I would smile and say, “thank you so much!” when someone would hand me $5 but in my mind would be thinking, “this isn’t going to go very far…”
I’ve learned a lot about myself in just preparing for the race. I feel like it teaches us all a lot about ourselves and for me it’s been lesson after lesson about surrender. Turns out I’ve never been very good at giving up control. God asks me for a little and with a lot of prayer and occasionally a little bit of a fight, I lay it at his feet. It’s absolutely incredible the peace He gives. The weight He takes off of my shoulders and I wonder, “Lord why did I carry this for so long?” And you’ll never guess what happens next. He asks for a little bit more. And what do I do now that I’m growing in my relationship with Him? Well… I usually fight with it a little bit more.
That’s crazy! I know it is, and with each time I surrender it does get a little easier, but there it. Being totally honest. Here I am wanting to surrender and knowing I should but for some reason… Well let me give you a visual of what it feels like.
You know that guy at the dog park? Yeah you do, the jerk with the stick that waves it in the dogs face and says, “Here’s the stick, you want the stick? Go get it!” Pretends to throw it and then hides it behind his back and plays dumb. That jerk, well that’s me. Let me go ahead and throw this out there, in no way is God like a dog, but, bear with me.
I wave my problems in Gods face and he sits there patiently waiting, wanting to take them from me. I ask Him “Do you want this? You can have it!” And then last second doubt might creep in and I foolishly hide my problems, aka, fears and worries, behind my back and think, “maybe He won’t notice…”
But He does.
He doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t look to see if I’ve cast them aside because He knows my heart. He keeps sitting there waiting for me to stop pretending.
I’ve grown in a lot of ways but I’m still guilty of comparing myself to others, something I’ve been guilty of since high school.
With the race I’m looking at my team and wondering, “how do they have so much already? I must be doing something wrong…” Instead of worshiping with them for what the Lord is doing in their lives.
This negative thinking has caused me to be ungrateful for what God has already provided. Instead of comparing and asking why it seems so easy for others I should be thanking God for what he’s doing and what He will do. I mean, I’m over $2,000 over what I needed for my first deadline that isn’t even here yet, how incredible is that? how incredibly blessed I have been to have so many amazing supporters that have prayed for me and supported me financially and have been a shoulder for my often weary head to rest on.
Today something shifted.
Today as I was doing my calculations I realized that if all of my facebook friends donated just under $12 each I would be fully funded. Mind=Blown.
The thing is, I have over 900 facebook friends, most of which I know either personally or know of them ( like a friend of a friend.) I’m definitely not close with even half of them. I could write a status and tell everyone but realistically not everyone would, not everyone could, and no one is obligated to.
BUT this calculation, unlike the others actually changed my perspective on fundraising as a whole.
900 people is a lot.
Compared to how many billions of people there are in the world, it’s a pretty small number.
$18,000 is a lot.
Compared to the wealth that is in the world, it’s tiny.
God.
Well He owns it all.
This amount that seems so impossible and so big to me is so tiny to God and what He can do, so why am I holding onto it so tightly?
I recently had a woman that I have never even met, give me a very generous donation. And I say that to say…
I have no idea where the money is going to come from, whether it be a close friend or a complete stranger, but I don’t have to worry about that. God knows, and He owns it all and He WILL make a way if this is what He wants for me.
I don’t have to constantly calculate, and worry, and stress, cause Gods got this.
I grew up being taught that whatever you want in life, you have to work hard for it. I am so so so grateful that I grew up in a home that instilled in me a good work ethic and I do think hard work is so important, and even biblical. BUT I’m learning that there is a part for me to play and the rest isn’t for me. I’m not meant to carry it all.
I kept saying that I would love to be fully funded before I left because I wanted to focus on ministry, and that’s true. But a big part of it was because the idea of fundraising from halfway around the world made me so uncomfortable.
Anyone who knows basically anything about the world race knows that uncomfortable is pretty common. That’s a big reason I was so excited to be a part of it. To get out of my comfort zone and learn to depend on God and have a deeper relationship. I’m giving up friends, family, my bed, my hygiene most likely (I swear I’m packing so much deodorant fellow team members!) but here I was telling God, “Um… yeah no, I don’t want to be financially uncomfortable…”
If I’m not fully funded by August that’s ok. It’s not about who raises the money the fastest, it’s not about being as comfortable as possible in my uncomfortableness. (I know, I know, it’s not a word. It should be.)
My story is going to be different than everyone else. That’s ok cause I’m different. None of us are the same and our relationship with God isn’t going to look alike because it’s a real and personal relationship.
I want whatever God wants for me. Whatever road that leads me to. I want Jesus. No matter what. Even if that means a struggle.
I want to take a moment and thank everyone for every penny and every prayer that has been sent my way! The support has been unreal! And I want to apologize for taking any amount for granted because every bit helps out tremendously! I knew that when I first started and got lost somewhere along the way but I know now and I don’t plan on forgetting.
Please continue to pray for me that I will be open to whatever God is trying to teach me and grow me in and that I can be a vessel for Him throughout this journey. I would love to know if you have any prayer request for me!
