my last blog was about how my team and i were living and serving on incredibly spiritually-fertile soil. i have learned, and am continuing to learn, that when you grow closer to the Lord, you are subject for attacks from the enemy. and they will happen.
after leaving Albania, my squad traveled to Belgrade, Serbia where we spent a week together at debrief. this is a time for us to relax, process the last month of ministry and life on the mission field, pray together, worship together, be poured into by our leaders, see our coaches and mentor, and just have a good time together.
i can’t say that i completely had a great time though.
of course seeing other people on my squad that i don’t get to spend the month with is always great. exchanging stories from the month, what our ministry looked like, what God had done throughout the month, and what ridiculous situations people got in to. i love that and cherish every second of that.
but something was off.
i’ve struggled for years, probably the majority of my life, with loving myself. who i am, who God has created me to be, the way i look, comparing myself to others, not speaking life into myself. loving other people is one of my favorite activities, of course! but loving myself, i’d rather not.
this had all come crashing down on me at the end of this past month.
i became decent at silencing the voice in my head that puts me down, that tells me that i’m not good enough. i had never told anyone about this and just how unhealthy this had gotten.
there is a huge difference between shoving something down and bringing that something up to the light. when you shove it down, that means it’s still very present. when you dig it up, you pull that entire sucker out by the root and smash it.
during debrief, i was struggling. i wanted to be alone, but when i was alone i felt left out. but when i was with other people, it was like a battle in my mind was happening. i soon came to realize this horrible, sad realization:
i am my own worst enemy.
no one else is fighting against me the way i am fighting against me. the enemy has opened up my brain and swirled his ugly finger through my brain and completely tainted the way i think about myself.
you aren’t pretty enough.
you aren’t skinny enough.
avoid the mirrors so you don’t have to see yourself.
eat more food so that people won’t know you feel bad about eating.
don’t even try to find clothes that are cute because you know they won’t fit you.
that number on the scale is disgusting.
the size of that pair of pants is atrocious.
and most importantly – don’t tell anyone about this because then they will know you aren’t perfect.
this voice became the loudest voice in my head and i could not silence it. i was drowning in these thoughts. i found myself face down on my bed, sobbing because i didn’t know what else to do.
how could i just not be bringing light to this struggle when i’ve known these people and told them about my life for the past 6 months? how could i have skipped over something so hard that i’m dealing with? they trust me, but i’ve kept this secret from them.
how many of you know that when you keep things silent and in the dark, that gives the enemy more room to work? that allows him to have his nasty grip on you and whatever you’re dealing with. that gives him permission to continue stirring your mind in the wrong direction, away from the Father who wants every single part of you just as you are.
i finally decided to shed light on this. i had to bring people in with me, to rally around me and love me through this. that’s what community is for, right?
i know you were hoping for a happy ending, massive revelation, hallelujah praise-worthy ending to this story. and that is coming, but it isn’t quite here yet.
this is something that i am still walking through, processing, and sorting out with the Lord. He offers grace and His grace is sufficient. there is something so special and intimate about being able to bring our insecurities and imperfections to our Creator, and yet He still offers love. nothing but love.
i know the truths that my Heavenly Father says about me, who i am in Him, and who He has created me to be. i know those in my head, but i’m learning them in my heart right now. it’s a process, a journey, and one worth doing with the One who knows me better than i know myself.
i want to thank you for every single prayer that has been lifted up for me. they are all heard by the Father and felt in my heart.
thank you for supporting me in a time when i need it most, and for loving me even when i share the ugliest, darkest parts of my broken heart.
i hope you receive my love from wherever you are in the world reading this post.
<3 mags
