i’ve been putting this blog off for awhile now. i’m just going to come out and say this: this month has been really hard on my heart. i’ve struggled more than i would like to admit.
i was so excited for Cambodia because i had done a lot of research on their history with the genocide (which if you read my blog about my passions, you would know the significance in this), and i have such a heart for rural, village-like cultures. God had something very different in mind for me this month.
my whole squad of 34 people stayed at a guesthouse just outside of Siem Reap. and my team’s ministry this month was to work alongside the guesthouse staff. we helped serve meals to our squad, we did the dishes, cleaned the bedrooms, bathrooms, and showers, and we changed the sheets. the owners of the guesthouse are in the process of getting ready to sell, so we also helped them deep clean the guesthouse in order to have better chances of selling quicker.
none of this was glamorous work at all. i pretty well knew that coming on the race would not entail much glamor work. all i wanted to do in this country was get to experience the culture and make relationships with the khmer people. that was it. instead…i served my squadmates who were the ones out in the villages developing relationships, teaching children english, and sharing the gospel.
don’t get me wrong, when they would come back to the guesthouse in the evenings with amazing stories of their day, i would listen and be eager to hear the happenings, but it also stung my heart a little bit too…or a lotta bit.
on a completely different note, about a third of the way through the month, i began feeling this heaviness and darkness in my spirit. i could not put my finger on what it was. i would go up to the roof in the evenings, play worship music, and just sob. i would cry out to the Lord and tell him how angry i was with Him, i would cry for the things on this side of heaven that did not make sense.
the first time this happened was the night that i had gotten back from visiting Phnom Penh, where i walked through the killing fields. (if you aren’t familiar with the genocide that took place in the late ‘70s in Cambodia, or what the killing fields are, i urge you to research it or reach out and i would love to talk details with you.) a few days later, my team and i attended a prayer and worship night with some other missionaries, where we primarily focused on praying for Cambodia and the khmer people. it was when we were praying out loud individually for the people of Cambodia that my tears started flowing yet again. i was praying for the land, for the blood that was shed in this land. these people belong to Jesus, they long for Jesus, they’re crying out without even knowing that they’re crying out for HIM.
i think that is what has broken my heart the most about Cambodia: these people are broken and longing for something, but don’t know about Jesus and haven’t heard of Jesus in order to cry out to Him.
at the killing fields genocide memorial, visitors are given an audio track to listen to as they visit each part of the grounds. there were a few quotes that struck me and i wrote them down. one of them was when i was around the mass graves, where hundreds of people were brutally murdered and thrown into these pits to be buried – sometimes buried alive. there were pieces of clothing that were still somewhat within the earth and soil of the land, but also partially coming out. the audio said this: “caretakers still remove bones, teeth fragments, and clothing pieces during rainy seasons. It’s as though the spirits of those killed just won’t lie still.”
to stand where these people stood as they were being tortured and murdered did something within my spirit. it rocked me to my core.
all of this to say, this month brought a lot of darkness, heaviness, and emotion to my heart. i felt the hurt, pain, suffering, and injustice for the people of this country. God knew that i had this heart for these people, and even without developing relationships and being immersed in the culture, my spirit could sense and feel it.
my heart is in a million pieces with this month ending. i have brought many really hard questions to the Father. in the midst of all of this, i can still say that God is good. he is gracious and merciful, but this world is filled with sin. sin has brought darkness, hatred, and evil into the world, and i’ve felt it firsthand this month.
thank you for enduring this hard, but much-needed blog with me. thank you for caring for my heart and believing with me that God is up to something wonderful, even through the hardest times.
xoxo,
mags
“come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest.” -matthew 11:28
