i’m gonna be honest with you: i don’t like the holidays. i am not a person with this so-called “holiday cheer”. in fact, thinking about the holidays makes me stomach turn in knots. i dread it.
there’s something about the loss of a loved one that just causes this sometimes. ever since my dad died around the holidays, they just haven’t been the same. there is always a void, an empty space, where my dad is supposed to be. the rest of the family has moved on. their lives continued, and mine did too, along with my immediate family, but there is something that held us back and keeps us from enjoying the holidays anymore.
it’s a strange thing to try to describe, but when you know the feeling, you know it’s real and you can relate. i’m sure there are some of you who know exactly what hurt i am referring to.
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when i realized i was going to be gone for the holidays this year, i was okay with it. i knew i wouldn’t have to deal with all of the holiday messes in america, the expectations, and then the letdown. most people dreaded missing the holidays, but when you dread the holidays themselves, it’s okay to be gone for the holidays.
(i get it, this seems very dark and gloomy and holiday-bashing. wait for the redemption, ok?)
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this year christmas obviously looked very different for me: i am in el salvador with my team who has become my new family, as well as being surrounded by my host’s family. my host this month is a pastor and we are living at the church. the congregation is smaller and very close-knit. literally one giant family. the pastor’s family has taken in what society would deem “outcasts” and they have made them into somebody. it’s a beautiful thing.
for christmas, we crammed a his whole family of about 25 people in a 15 passenger van and small car, and headed to the beach. we spent the day on the beach, soaking up the sun, riding horses (!!!!), playing in the sand and waves, learning spanish, learning english, and eating freshly caught fish. we did not have gifts, stockings, a christmas tree, a christmas story playing on tbs, or ugly christmas sweaters, but what we did have was the joy and laughter as if our King had just been born or something *wink*.
i was standing on the beach, looking around and just thinking about where i was currently – physically, emotionally, spiritually. i thought about how this was the first christmas since my dad passed away that i was really just happy. plain and simple.
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i felt loved by the people i was around, and i showed love to them right back. to the human eye, they might lack the luxurious materials of the world, but they are overflowing with the joy and love of the Savior. you don’t need an ample amount of gifts (or any at all, really) to show that. that isn’t what christmas is about. this year i learned what christmas is about: being with loved ones, loving them, and having pure joy in that itself.
as many people wanted to say “i’ll be home for christmas”, the only dream i had was to be happy for christmas, and this year i experienced that in all of its fullness.
glory to God in the highest; may we always sing of His glorious ways.
merry christmas friends. i hope you found the joy of the season of life you are in right now, just as i did.
