Ramblings of October 14th

 

Sometimes its just hard.

 

I felt more useful as a team leader.

 

I miss actually having a team that I feel understands me. 

 

And that’s always with me.

 

I miss the consistency.

 

I miss having face to face interactions about the hard stuff.

 

I miss having people call out things in me that seem out of character.

 

Squad leading does feel like a long distance relationship with teammates. And yeah it does kinda suck.

 

They don’t get to be in my mess because proximity prevents that. 

 

Feeling understood to me requires proximity and intimacy.

 

I need my people.

 

I do kinda feel alone. 

 

I miss just melting in my teammates lap and crying because I miss people I love so so much. 

 

Or having my go to person to cry with because I just got news that my boyfriend is God knows where on deployment. And God knows where doesn’t exactly seem like a safe place to be. 

 

I miss not trying to cry silently. 

 

I don’t know why this is so hard right now. 

 

It comes and goes in waves.

 

I just feel like I wanna let these tear roll down my cheeks and make permanent pen smears in my journal just so that I can look back and know this here kinda sucked. 

 

I wanna curl up in the fetal position and just cry. Just be warm. And just let Jesus warm me up in his arms as I cry out to him about all the things I’m worried about. 

 

But if you asked me, I’d tell you I’m okay though. 

 

I’m fine.

 

Because that also is true. I’m still fine, I still have joy and I am still so thankful to be traveling the world with his wild group of humans that love Jesus. 

 

I promise you there is always so much more joy. I always have more joy.

 

But I am still hurting. And I do still long to be held by someone. Not just anyone either. Someone that knows my heart, that sees me and would just let me cry without asking why. 

 

I think I need that right now and I don’t even know why. 

 

Maybe its a few things. 

 

Or maybe its everything. 

 

I’m fine though, I promise. 

 

I always joke about crying a lot, but when I actually feel like I need to cry hard, I suppress it until I feel like I’m either alone or in a space where others are crying too. 

 

I just realized that I’ve cried with and for others more recently, but I haven’t cried for myself in a while. Maybe months. 

 

I know I don’t have to act like I’m fine, but I do out of habit anyway. 

 

I don’t know what I need. 

Probably to run. Or to just let it out and cry. Or to tell who I’m with what the heck is going on in my mind. 

 

What I want are chocolate, and to be in his arms. I know for sure I’d be okay then. But both of those things are either out of budget or wildly out of reach. 

 

Gosh its crazy that things that thousands of miles can do to someone’s heart. 

 

It hurts. 

 

It really does. 

 

And I don’t expect anyone else to understand. I know maybe some do, but never truly in a way that is exact to the way I understand it. 

 

My pain is unique to me. 

 

I don’t necessarily want anyone else to understand it because then it almost feels like it discredits its uniqueness to my life and my love. 

 

I love empathy though. But even so that never truly encapsulates how someone else is understanding the way another is feeling. 

 

But I don’t know, I feel pretty deep for others sometimes.

 

I don’t know. 

 

I just know I need a hug. Like a deep hug, like the ones my Dad gives. 

 

Yeah, I need that right about now. 

 

But I will be brave and trust Jesus with all these small and meaningful details and pains  & worries of my life. 

 

 I know that’ll make things better in the same way a hug from my Dad would. 

 

I know no matter what, truly EVERYTHING, will be okay. 

 

He will come home.

 

I will find community like this. My weirdos. My homies to practice spiritual gifts with but also just laugh about anything and everything with. 

 

I will have enough money for all the personal things I’m currently worried about. God will provide again and again. 

 

I will be reminded of the beautiful ways the Lord has showed me how he’s got me right where I am for a specific and wonderful reason. 

 

I look back on all of this with so much thanks. I will let the words that come out of my mouth be nothings but thanks. Because just today I realized that speaking about things through a lens of thankfulness instead of bitterness helps preserve my memories for what they really were. Good. 

 

They were all good, even if they were hard at times. 

 

Its weird being at this place of having seen so much, but also knowing in my heart that I am going to see so much more in my lifetime. 

 

I know that this is just the beginning for me. 

 

Its weird. But cool I guess. Even though I have no idea what that’s all going to look like.

 

My life. Ha!

 

Yeah not a clue what that’s gonna look like down the road. 

 

But I know it’ll be good and full of just as much adventure as this year held, I’m sure of that.

 

There’s no way I can live my life the same as I did before. And these are things I’m not expecting anyone at home to really understand because they didn’t see the things I did. 

 

Heck the majority of the people on the squad didn’t even experience the things I did or see the things I did. 

 

Crazy. 

 

How on earth am I supposed to share this experience with other people fully?

 

I don’t think that’s possible. 

 

But I think the best way to share all that has impacted me this year is going to be by the way I live my life with this transformed mind of mine, even in good ole Kenosha, WI. 

 

I think that the way I live will tell people even more about the things I have experienced, and how I have changed more than pictures or stories will. 

 

I’m excited and nervous for it all. 

 

Its coming so soon! But also a month or so is a long time still…

 

I want to be here. 

 

But so often I feel like my heart is split from here and there. And that’s okay. 

 

Every day I’m learning. 

 

And every day for the rest of my life I will keep learning. 

 

Tension is a weird thing. 

 

Feeling sorrow and joy at the same time.

 

Excitement but fear. 

 

Pain but also thankfulness. 

 

Anger but also peace.

 

Its weird but just that doesn’t mean I can’t carry both. I know I’m strong enough to handle both. 

 

And I’ve learned that the tension can be good.

 

And I know I’m strong enough to dive into all that Jesus has for me here, and the rest of the world race, in preparation for all that Jesus has for me at home. 

 

Home. 

 

What the heck does that even mean? 

 

I definitely know now its not a place, its a people. 

 

A people that my heart longs for. 

 

I know its good to be here, and its okay to also be there. 

 

I want to capture it all. 

 

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

I will be thankful for it all. 

 

I will. 

 

And I promise, I’m genuinely fine. 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. I’m done with fundraising for the World Race! I am fully funded! Thank you Jesus. BUT I am still fundraising for personal needs for the last month, so donations directed to my Venmo (@mrieds) or Paypal ([email protected]) would be the best way to support me still 🙂