On a bus in Argentina
From the day we traveled from Santiago, Chile where we got off the plane in order to travel to where we are now, Mendoza, Argentina, I felt so at home. Its like God was just depositing a little nugget of peace in me that I didn’t even know was missing until I was in these mountains again.
You know when you go to a new place and you suddenly feel like you’ve maybe been there before? Or it has a familiar feel to it that makes you feel like you’re at home?
Well that’s Argentina to me so far! Maybe its the mountains, maybe its the YWAM staff here, maybe its the desert, maybe its the team I’m with. Maybe its these beautiful running trails God blessed me with, or these friendly dogs, or cats that remind me of mine at home. I don’t know what it is, but this place feels like home.
Ask anyone on the bus I was with on the way here, the moment my eyes hit those mountains they were filled with tears. I don’t quite know why, but I’m hoping and praying that the longer I’m here the deeper I’ll understand why.
Buses seem to have this reminiscent effect on me. Whether its a comfy coach bus weaving through the mountains or a packed city bus taking us from downtown Mendoza back to the YWAM base, its like its this place that just forces me to stop moving and actually tune into my thoughts, feelings, needs, etc.
If you’ve been keeping up with my blogs at all this year you’re probably picking up on the theme of this year that I am and always have been a deep feeler, but something I don’t give myself permission to feel things deeply because I’m always on the move. Or I have convinced myself that I should always be on the move. I’ve learned that I tend to I stick to what feels right because its safe. Its all a process… and I’m still trying to figure it out…
So on the bus I realized that I have this tendency to try and control the “nexts” in life. I try and figure out the plans God has for me and plan them in a way that makes sure I don’t get hurt or disappointed in the process. Basically I make myself a plan that I convince myself is better than God’s. Ah and that’s not just controlling that prideful. Who am I to say and think that my plan for my post race life, or relationship, or day is better than God’s?
It’s not just a control & a pride issue, its a trust issue.
Me trying to nail down plans for my future without God is like me saying “God I trust you with my future but not all the way because I want things to go a certain way, and I don’t know if you’re gonna make that happen so I will,”
AH. That’s not okay!
That kind of statement screams insecurity in the love and trust of God. And radiates me reflecting past relationship hurts on my relationship with God. And thats not fair. That’s not who he is.
Praise God for inner healing though! I’ve thankfully been able to tap into those past hurts & dismiss those lies time and time again.
Anyway, the majority of this realization happened on a bus. Where I was forced to be still, chill out and tune into what’s actually going on in my head, and why the stupidest things around me started to annoy me. I love to figure things out. My brain naturally makes all kinds of connections.
I want to come back here one day. And maybe its just because I want to return over and over to the feeling this place gives me. A sense of home, a richness in the culture, the love of this community, the opportunities to learn Spanish and about Jesus are all wildly abundant.
I want these things to stick with me forever, and to grow with and from them.
Weekly, we’re involved with a variety of things like going and giving words of encouragement to students in schools, doing door to door evangelism, going to the neighbors around here and talking to them about life and Jesus, cleaning dishes after meals, serving at a soup kitchen, hosting high school youth events, and soon we’ll be painting a mural!
There’s so much here! And so much that feels like home.
I don’t know what God has for me after the race. But I do know that I’m not gonna try and plan anything out until God reveals to me specifics of what he has for me. I can try and control it and prevent “pain” or “disappointment” but I think its even more silly of me to think the what God has for me isn’t anything but something full of so much joy and freedom.
Its weird because everything I go home, like Kenosha home, God speaks to me about where he wants me to go next. And its like I’m feeling that same thing here. This feels like home, and here God goes again starting to speak to me about the nexts.
And the best and simultaneously most frustrating part of it is that I can’t control any of it.
Its not my plan to make. Its the plan God has for me to participate in.
So here I am at this weird place of absolutely loving what God has for me here and now, but also waiting in expectation of God to reveal to me whats next. Almost every day I find myself in the desert fields here looking towards the mountains talking out loud to God. I literally speak out loud my worries, feelings, emotions, fears, and every time he speaks to me a different version of the same affirmation and comfort. He says He’s got me. He’s taking care of me. And He’ll give me what I need.
Sometimes we need to go home in order to figure out whats next, or we need to feel at home in order to receive the peace about thats next. Either way what I’m learning, slowly but surely, is that its not my job to be in control. I miss something so much sweeter from God when I try and take the reigns on the nexts instead of let him show me what I need and actually receive it.
And apparently the bus seems to be a place I hear God’s voice loud and clear. But I’m cool with it.
I get to feel at home here in the mountains of Argentina for the next two weeks and I am so excited to see the ways the Lord continually stirs in my heart about this place, home, and whats next.
Its all good. Maybe a little scary yeah, but I know that the Lord has me.
Thanks again for reading through my external processing! You all are the best! 🙂
If you feel prompted to donate still that would be amazing and necessary, the goal is still to be fully funded ASAP!
