Ever heard of the Enneagram?
If not I highly recommend taking a test online at the enneagraminstitute.com and then reading into the different types. If the description hurts you, that’s most likely your number!
I identify as a 9. The peacemaker. If you want a greater glimpse into who I am feel free to read into it, its gritty & raw, but dang good.
Anyway, in Squad Leader Training we had an awesome session with our Alumni Squad Leader, Katy Micheal, who shared with us her knowledge on the enneagram. A lot of it was also based off of the book The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuretz as well, which is also a super great resource for diving into all thing enneagram. ITS DENSE, but so so good!
As Katy was talking to us about our types, as my type tendencies were being read out loud to squad leader team, I felt so vulnerable. It was like someone opened up a book on my life and began to give an overview of why I am the way I am. Literally all that was running through my head was “ouch” as she read and shared her knowledge. And I know the other squad leaders felt the same way too.
Yay bonding over vulnerability! Welcome to the world race!
Through all this enneagram talk and personally dining into The Sacred Ennegram I began a journey of self exploration without even recognizing that I was getting myself into it. This book and these teachings began to show me about who God created me to be and how my experiences have shaped and shifted me into someone different in order to protect myself from a variety of pain that life brings.
My main take away so far, (the journey has just began ya’ll) is that I am really good at ignoring my body, my emotions, my personal instincts, and inner thoughts & feelings by creating harmony externally.
Here’s an example of that:
In Makassar, Indonesia we had a slower morning before we were going to visit a team & I knew I needed to run. I wanted to because I love to run, but I also because I knew my body needed to just move and to wake up. Instead, I double checked my finances, read a little, opened up my prayer journal and prayed for teams & people I love. Then I just sat there in a little ball on this hotel bed feeling sad & crappy and not knowing why. I missed my window of opportunity to run, and I was now sitting there pouting because I neglected what my body needed. As I sat there in my ball of sadness, my thoughts then raced and shifted towards the many ways in which I felt I fell short that week.
And all that was just triggered by me feeling like I fell short on working out that day. I focused on getting things done, instead of my needs.
I neglected to connect to my body by running. I neglected my sadness that I later realized was caused by this disconnection to my body which then channeled me into negative self thoughts.
Yikes.
What I realized now, and after processing that pitty party with Katy, is that I don’t need to get everything aligned in my life before I make a move, especially for myself. I don’t have to make sure everyone or everything is taken care of, or there is external peace before I can seek internal peace. I am allowed to press into my emotions, what my body is telling me, and just do it without worrying about what could be left undone.
I just need to move, and engage in the things I know my heart, mind, body, and spirit are telling me!
Recognizing these thoughts spiraled me into entering in to a practice called engaging stillness. Something Chris Hueretz recommends in Sacred Enneagram.
Yeah stillness… it sucks. And not surprising at all, its hard for me!
Basically I sit or lay still wherever I’m at, and deal with whatever thoughts come to my head. I wake up to what my body is telling me I need as a way of reconnecting myself; the goal is to connect my body and my emotions to myself.
I know it sounds weird, but its really as simple as reconnecting to myself as a way of reconnecting to God too!
I think the hardest part of this practice is that, so many things come to my mind that I feel the need to do for others, or get done in general and the point of practicing stillness is not to do those things but to press into what my body is telling me I need or what my emotions are revealing about my well-being.
I’m learning to listen, to what my body and emotions are telling me I need, and to actually do those things. And not be ashamed or selfish for them.
Its hard. But that’s how I know its good, and its growing.
Yay stillness…
The enneagram you guys… look into it, deeply. Its so good.
Its all about reconnection. To ourselves, to God, and to the way he originally designed us to be.
P.S. I’m STILL fundraising so if you’re feeling generous please hit that donate button, I’d appreciate it so much! I have a new deadline coming soon! 🙂
Stay tuned on what this month looks like living with a bunch of amazing an rowdy young men at our sweet ministry called Children’s Garden! 🙂
