Makassar, Indonesia. Wow what a place.
Since we’ve been here our squad has been going through a lot of changes and transitions. New teams, a new country, and a whole new culture.
One of the hardest parts for me about adjusting to the newness of Indonesia has been adjusting to the culture.
Let me just give you a glimpse of what I experienced attempting to grocery shop one day…Which let me preface with the fact that almost all grocery stores here are on the bottom floor of malls, malls that are almost always busy…
All I needed were some apples, floss, and soap and really anything with more nutritional value than asian ramen. I think I had a tally of 5 people ask me to take selfie with them, and about 2 different herds of young girls following me as I tried to look for floss, which by the way, apparently is really hard to find at the average Indonesian supermarket.
I didn’t mind the selfies after the first few times. But honestly after a while I got totally sick of it. I started avoiding eye contact with people completely. I swear to you almost ever isle I walked town heads would turn in my direction and not in a discrete way or because I was looking extra cute or anything. I for sure had been wearing the same outfit as the day before with no makeup on and my frizzy hair in a half up messy bun. I quite literally felt people staring at me at almost all times. I watched people point at me and laugh, or take out their phones and take a picture of me.
From that day I decided I never want to be famous for anything. I honestly felt like I had paparazzi on me as I was simple looking for food and floss and I didn’t like it.
I honestly felt like my privacy was being invaded one glance and one selfie at a time. I couldn’t even shop without feeling completely overwhelmed.
And I think one of the hardest interactions I’ve have picked up on here is the way that women and men interact with us Americans. This may not be accurate but in my perception its like we’re idolized to women and children and honestly most of the time, as women, looked at as a piece of meat by some men. Eyes are powerful, and oh man have I picked up on some not to lovely nonverbal communication.
Sometimes I feel gross. And it makes me kind of frustrated that just because I am white I’m treated like a freaking celebrity. I don’t like it. And honestly I’m uncomfortable.
I don’t feel comfortable going anywhere alone, especially at night (that’s just a hard and fast no anyway), or wearing anything less conservative than a t-shirt and long flowy pants. I wouldn’t choose to go on a run by myself, it doesn’t feel safe most places, so stairways in the variety of places we’ve stayed this month have been my best friends-I at least feel comfortable running up and down those in my workout clothes.
I miss being able to control how I feel, my safety, my ability to run and workout, and the type of food that I eat. It was so easy at home! And I miss it.
And as I write all this and honestly feel like I’m throwing myself my own little pitty-party I catch myself thinking “Well duh Mady, you signed up for 11 months of un-comfortability, and you left your ability to control your circumstances behind when you said yes to this”
Yup… I’ve always been my worst critic I’m well aware of that, but I think I need it sometimes! Like now!
Lately, I’ve been letting my circumstances and feelings get in the way of loving myself, and loving those around me.
I haven’t ran because I haven’t asked people to come along with me, or I’ve made the excuse that I’m too uncomfortable or will be uncomfortable because I don’t have enough laundry detergent to clean my sweaty clothes. When really all I need to do is ask for what I need, as for a buddy, buy some laundry detergent, get over myself and go run.
I haven’t loved people I see or meet on a daily basis because of how they’ve made me feel and because of the way I have believed they’ve perceived me. I’ve let my feelings get in the way of extending nothing but love. When really all need to do is choose patience, ask God for more of it, extend a lot more grace towards myself and others, and choose to see these people though Jesus’ eyes instead of my own.
Its all really simple.
Its not even fair for people around me, or myself to sit in my discomfort! I know I thrive when I’m healthy and active and I know I thrive when I have meaningful interactions with people. But I’ve just been missing it lately because why…. I’m uncomfortable.
I guess its just time that I learn how to engage in my discomforts, these new discomforts, and continue to do the things I know I need and I know are good for me. I want to exemplify nothing but love towards others and myself despite how I’m feeling.
I’ll update you late on how that goes soon…
I’m just now deciding to press into this new form of uncomfortability. I don’t want to miss what’s here, and I don’t want to let my feelings or circumstances get in the way anything anymore!
That’s just where I’m at. I’m uncomfortable but I’m willing to press into that to learn to love others and myself better!
Another update on where I’m at fundraising wise, I’m currently selling sweatshirts via https://www.bonfire.com/the-goal-is-fully-funded/ to help me meet my last and overdue deadline to attempt to become fully funded! I’m so close!! Donations via my blog are welcomed as well! I think i have just under $600 to go to be fully funded including my amazing monthly donors!! 🙂
