2/18/2019 Keta, Ghana
Something I have recently learned about myself is that I am a very deep feeler. I always have been, but never wanted to admit it.
You might be thinking, okay great…Where is this coming from?
Yesterday I had a one on one with one of my Squad Leaders Katy and we ended up talking about the Meyers and Briggs personality test and then she also asked me to identify with either a dolphin or a whale.
Meyers and Briggs personality tests give you 4 letters based off where you get your energy, how you learn, how you make decisions, and how you live your outer life in a structured or adaptable way.
I had always identified with an ENFJ– Extroverted, iNtuition, Feeling, and Judging. So basically I get my energy from people and group events, and if I spend a day alone I need to be with people or I’ll go nuts. Intuition means that I learn best by big concepts, thinking problems through, identifying patterns, abstract theories, and problem solving (or so I thought). Feeling means that I make decisions based on how I perceive mine and others feelings, and my goal is to create harmony. Judging means that I like to have a plan, so if I were invited to a party I would want to know what time to show up, what to wear, & what to bring rather than just show up when I want- spontaneity isn’t my strong suit, I love plans!
Many of these things are still very true of me, but I learned yesterday that my N is actually an S, Sensing over Intuition.I am very detail oriented, and the big picture only comes to me once I fully understand every detail of the big picture. My nerdy self automatically thought of studying processes of metabolism like glycolysis, electron transport chain, and fat metabolism. If I understand what is happening in every step of those processes then I can connect them and make sense of the big picture. (Frick… yup….ha ha its pretty clear that God is calling me back to school one day)
I need to feel concepts out, I need to apply them to real life, I need a practical application, I need to draw out the chemical reaction. I love pictures, and I love physically walking through every step- which is why white boards were my best friend in college. The details matter to me!
I am a sensor, and a feeler! And I identify as an ESFJ. I think I just ran from that because I was trying to run from my natural tendency to sense and feel things because my head convinced my heart that my feelings and senses are dangerous. But most recently I’ve realized that these senses and feelings are a gift, the way that God had created me to be.
I never wanted to be that girl that let her emotions drive her decisions. I convinced myself that that I had to always think logically, do the right thing, to have control over my senses and feelings otherwise they’ll hurt me. This doesn’t mean I’m now letting my emotions have a free for all on my actions, it just means that I’m finally listening to how I’m feeling, and listening to those gut feelings for the purpose of creating harmony for myself and others.
Oh and on top of that found out that I identify as a whale, not a dolphin. Which means that in forming new relationships my natural tendency is to dive deep. I establish trust by getting to know people on deep levels, and then I come to the surface to play. Dolphins play until they trust you, then they dive into the deep stuff. I dwell and thrive in the deep, I’ve always been that way. I remember walking to a party with a group of friends in college and saying out loud, “My goal of the night is to have at least one deep conversation with someone I didn’t know.” Yes, I like the dance floor too, but only once I’ve gotten my fill from the deep conversations. I feed and thrive at the bottom then I come up to play. I am a whale, and I’m totally cool with it.
Basically, what I learned yesterday was that I have a lot of feels. I’m a deep feeler, and its a gift!
Which is ironic because the Lord has also been taking me even deeper into growing in spiritual discernment, which is a sensing and feeling based gift of the Holy Spirit. God invited me into feeling and sensing what’s going on in the spiritual. I have tapped into me emotions a lot more than I ever have since being in Ghana.
God has told me I am an atmosphere changer. And I know with confidence now that its a gift because I naturally pick up on what is going on around me, and instinctively invite the peace of God into a room, a team time, a conversation, & my spirit. I’m learning to be quick to let God fill me up, and direct me in using these senses and feelings to further his Kingdom.
So bring on the feels Jesus, I’m ready for them I promise!
I am not afraid of my emotions anymore and I’m eager to learn how to use them to be the atmosphere changer Jesus has created me to be.
p.s. I’m posting this from Togo! STAY TUNED another blog about Togo and stepping into the role of a team leader coming next week! 🙂
p.p.s. My birthday is in 4 days and a wonderful way to bless me on me birthday would be donating!!
