1/24/19
If you knew me in high school, you could easily say that I was injured quite a bit. I was almost always between broken bones, a dislocated knee, or numerous spring ankles- I was always in this place of needing healing. I thought that since my days with soccer were slowing down, and only recreational now that these injuries and inconveniences would be done with. I was wrong.
In Assafou almost every night the guys of the village get together and play soccer for either a full field or a half field scrimmage depending on the amount of people that show up. Naturally as the kids invited us to come I quickly jumped at the opportunity. I instantly felt right at home on that field even though I had no idea what the guys were saying to each other or who was even on my team for the first half hour so. We played until the sun began to fall, which was the time of night everyone went home for dinner anyway.
The next day the invitation arose again to come and play, and of course I went. I jumped into the game after just finishing up a conversation with my team about finding our people that we were going to connect with here, soccer of course was my clear and easy go to group of people to connect with. God gave me this gift so of course I was going to jump in where it made the most sense.
About halfway through this game I was running down the field to help out on defense, mindlessly forgetting how uneven that side of the field was and as I planted my foot down I completely rolled my ankle. It wasn’t just one of those tweaks to the side where I could get back up and run right away. I heard my ligaments crack and stretch, and I immediately grabbed my foot and hobbled off the field.
My only goal at that point was not to cry. It hurt, but this pain was so familiar to me that I was more so frustrated that it happened. WHY?! THIS AGAIN?! I just wanted to play, story of my high school soccer career…
I played it off like I was fine, but decided to call it quits for the night and take a shower, a nice cold bucket shower.
I tried to convince myself for the rest of the night that I was fine, I got up and danced and worshiped at church and walked without a limp the best I could.
The next morning I woke up, and my ankle was about double size of my left healthy ankle. I was in pain, but again I played it off like I was fine.
Later that night after a day in the city, Bouake, where we finally got WIFI and communicated with people, I asked my team to pray over my ankle. I was sure that in that moment God wanted to heal me, to make my ankle completely new and totally healed and able to run!
I was wrong once again.
As my alumni team leader Laura, and alumni squad leader Leticia prayed over me again later that night they heard from God that this wasn’t just a physical healing God was doing here but this was also spiritual. Instantly tears began to fall down my cheeks, which confirmed the unknown internal healing that God was trying to bring me through.
As I reflected on what this internal healing could possibly be only thing the Lord brought to the forefront of my mind was past relations hurts, and at this I became even more frustrated. GOD, DIDN’T WE ALREADY GO THROUGH THIS?!
It was no mistake that the pain from my ankle was such a familiar pain, and this healing that the Lord was asking me to walk through with him also was frustratingly familiar too. But he wasn’t done healing me, and I needed to press in even if I was frustrated.
That night I had a dream featuring the very person that brought me this familiar pain that I thought I left in the past. This has been a person whose approval mattered to me for so many years, the person whom to this day I still have lingering hopes that I run into for the sole reason of proving to him that I am happy in my current relationship, that he didn’t hurt me then and can’t now, that “I won” this past “situationship” as my teammate MeMe would call it.
Those exact feelings showed me that I had so much unforgiveness toward this person.
So I sat down, headphones in, with my head buried in my crossed arms over my journal and bible and I sat with God, and I sat with this boy who hurt me. In my mind we were at my favorite coffee shop, Lemonjellos, and I spoke to this man, told him he hurt me, & that I forgive him. I watched him get up from the table and walk out the door, and a feeling a peace rushed over me as I cried. I let him go, I let unforgiveness go, and I let go the feeling of needing to prove to him that I wasn’t hurt.
As I watch this boy walk out the door, shortly after I watched Jesus come and take his seat and bring me a nice warm cup of 616 Madcap coffee. I began to heal, as I sat there remembering this pain from the past, physically and spiritually. I began to let it go completely, to say goodbye to unforgiveness and to say goodbye to this person who I used to let control my subtle actions and thoughts for about 8 years.
I was healed. And ironic enough that same day my ankle felt as good as new, I almost jumped back on the field later that night!
I am happy with where I am with the Lord, and in my current relationship. But I forgot that when I don’t let the Lord take me through healing over my past and familiar pains, unforgivness can still have a hold on me. I forgot what this pain felt like until I felt it physically, I forgot that familiar pains come back for the purpose of fully healing us in more than physical ways.
The Lord knew that I was would have acted like I was fine from this past situationship for the rest of my life if I wouldn’t have sat in this place of frustration with him in order to heal. I used to think that if God was really good that he would heal my pain instantly, since it isn’t from him. But now I know that God uses our pain to bring us through healing we didn’t even know we needed. God uses our physical pain to show us something greater about how he wants to heal our hearts and hurts and bring us into even greater freedom. I know for me I needed to feel this physical pain because I’m far too stubborn to let myself feel pains of the past, and since I have gone my whole life telling myself I’m fine, I’m stronger than this, I don’t feel any pain especially when it comes to sprain ankles and relational hurts.
I stand here, without pain in my ankle, thankful for healing, thankful for frustration, and thankful for leaders with discernment. I didn’t even know I needed healing until I let myself feel hurt, until I was given the space to feel pain, until I stopped being falsely strong in fear that I was inconveniencing everyone else.
Because I let myself feel the pain, I know I am strong. And because I forgave I know I am strong.
And I pray from here on out that I press into pain when it is given so that I see how good God heals time after time.
