At this point in my World Race prep I am finding myself rather jealous of those that have met the $10,000 deadline, are fully funded, aren’t overwhelmed, and seem to have their stuff together. Because I feel quite the opposite!
See, the thing about adulting is that hanging out with friends now looks like getting together early in the evening and everyone leaving by 8:30pm because we’re all just tired. Its not nearly as glamorou as anyone thinks…So last night I had a bit of the night just to myself, so what did I do? Sit in my room alone with God, and actually fully let myself feel how overwhelmed I am. Sounds like a great time, I know…
For a long time the only thing I could do was just sit there with my head between my knees and cry. (This is not a pity blog I’m not telling you these things so you feel bad for me, I’m telling you these things because I’m trying this new thing called vulnerability)
My head had been swirling with the to-dos of getting vaccination, which mind you are NOT cheap, getting visas in on time, figuring out student loan payment for the next year, gathering Christmas gifts, and continually fundraising. I think I have at least 5 different post-it notes on my desk of lists of things I know I need to do before I leave.
My head is continually swirling, and my heart has continually felt like its at this state of uneasiness. If someone gave the advice of “Be still, and know that He is God” or “it’ll all work out soon” I honestly would probably fake a smile and say thanks but really think to myself “ HA HA yeah I’ll be still once all this stuff gets done!”
Honestly, I kind of feel like I can’t do much right, or for the things I attempt to do right or make easier for myself I find there’s a catch, yet another step I have to take in order to get something simple done.
I honestly feel like God is just asking me time after time, are you going to persevere through this too? Are you going to try again? What about this obstacle, are you going to push through it?
This is just the problem. Those questions are the wrong questions God is actually asking me right now. My perception of him is just so thwarted because of the lack of peace I have in my spirit.
God isn’t one to sit on the sideline and watch us struggle and say “Ha how are you gonna get through his one now, huh?”
I forgot, and I forget far too often that He’s in the game with us. He’s that teammate that you hope you get put on the field with because you know you can trust them, they listen to you, they move with you in a way your other teammates just don’t, He’s that teammate who constantly tries to set you up to score. (yup this totally just brought me back to my soccer days, can you tell I played forward?)
The problem is I have been seeing God as my strict coach since the to-do lists began overwhelming me. I kept thinking he was just watching me waiting for me to do the right things or to make a mistake so he could pull me out of the game give me some advice and then throw me back in. Haha… well know I know after I let myself cry it out… that is NOT who God is!
The only thing I could think of last night as I was cradling myself crying, and going through tissue after tissue was, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS?!
I was suddenly hit with the raw emotion of what its going to be like leaving people I love with all of my heart for 11 months, or more. I felt the burden of worry over finances crushing me as I cried, and continued to think “How am I supposed to do this God, how?” Of course in that moment I felt like God was dead silent, which honestly made me mad. Then a song popped in my mind, Safe to Shore by Out of The Dust.
There’s a storm on the sea, courage has faded
The waves swell and I can’t tell if I’ll make it
Fear feels like a friend, doubt is my shipmate
But You’re so at peace, you wipe my cheek
As I hear you say…
Why are you so afraid?
Let your heart, hear me and calm the waves
Though your fears may shout, I’ll be the whisper
Here in the heart of the storm
I’ll carry you safe, to shore.
Peace finally hit me. I mean the release of cortisol from all my tears probably helped too but, I finally felt peace. I knew that God was right there with me. And ironically it began to storm outside, thunder and lighting and all, but to me that was so incredibly peaceful.
God didn’t need to say anything in that moment. In my stubbornness I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway… all He needed to do was show me that HE WAS THERE all along. And he did, he was, and he still is. No matter how I feel.
So how am I supposed to do this? I’m not. I’m not supposed to do this by myself, I’m supposed to let God wipe my tears, carry me through the obstacles, and be the teammate he already is. Yes, I will continue to work hard and get stuff done, but I refuse to neglect that as these things are getting done God is right beside me giving me peace even when I forget to recognize it by focusing on the chaos of my to-do lists.
Jesus will carry me, safe to shore, if I let him and if I trust him too. Trust me, its a work in progress. So today I’ll try out trust and ask the Holy Spirit for peace, & every tomorrow after today I’ll do the same, I promise.
Love,
Mady 🙂
My next deadline is coming up December 21st! I’m about $3000 short, please express your Christmas Giving Spirit (its a real thing) and donate please 🙂
