I have realized over the past few days, in conversations with friends, and as I reflected with the Lord is that something I kinda suck at is letting people love me. Sounds dumb I know, but its harder than you think, to me at least.
I have always been that self sufficient women, that independent teenager, and stubborn child. I have always had the determination to do what I set my mind to no matter what, meaning that I alone was going to get it done, what ever it was.
I still feel the need the take care of “my stuff” before I let anyone else help me with “my stuff”. So really, my pride gets in the way of not accepting help, or asking for it when I could really use it. I have always felt the need to figure things out for myself first, then if I feel like I could use help I eventually, usually after more time than necessary, ask for it.
Anyone else resonate with that?
I have always been cautious of making my problems other people’s problems because “how inconvenient is that to others?” I often think.
The hard truth about this self sufficiency is that its actually selfishness.
Yup. Ouch.
A good friend once told me that “The most selfish thing we can do is not honestly answer the question ‘how are you?’” Because saying the classic “I’m good! How are you?” actually shuts down all opportunity for others to show you love, and closes off the chance of receiving love, help, or encouragement from another person who may legitimately care for you and want to love and support you.
Yup. Ouch again.
Being in a relationship has also showed me the ways in which my mask of “I’m fine, it’s fine, I can do this myself” can be hurtful to another person who genuinely cares for me, loves me, and wants to take care of me.
The simple things of not letting Gerardo carry my luggage from the airport to the car simply because “I can do it myself” has shown me that I have a long way to go in terms of letting others love me in simple and complex ways. (For the record he usually rolls his eyes at me and then grabs it out of my hands anyways)
Funny thing is, that while I clearly still struggle to let the most significant humans in my life love me fully, before I deal with my mess, these same relational struggles are parallel to my relationship with the Lord.
I want to clean up my messes first, so others don’t have to get dirty.
For years, and still now sometimes, my words and actions echo the same thing to the Lord:
“Lord let me take of myself first so I’m less work for you.”
WHAT?! Ah that’s so sad.
I know He wants to take care of me. I know He sees ALL my mess and says “no that’s mine, she’s mine, all of it. I want to take care of you.”
And Gerardo has time after time communicated the same thing to me as well, he reminds me that he wants my mess too. Yet I continually respond with “well, good luck” as if I may be too may be too much to handle.
But I don’t have to take care of myself all the time. I am not too much to handle.
I can trust God to take care of me. I just need to take my hands off “my mess”and let him pick up the pieces with me. I mean for heavens sake Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave three days later so that we don’t have to be weighed down by our mess, our sin, or stress- he clearly wants our mess! Its just sad to me how often I forget that. Sorry Jesus, what can I say, I’m a flawed human, that’s always learning.
God wants to carry my luggage too, even if he knows I can do it myself. He wants my burden to be lighter, he wants to show me love by taking that weight from me!
Slowly but surely I’m learning that as I let others around me take care of me in small but significant ways, its a direct reflection of how I let the Lord take care of me.
My way isn’t better than anyone else, even though I may think it is, and my plans certainly aren’t greater than God’s. I just need to trust that when I let people take care of me that they actually will, in greater ways that I take care of myself.
Taking care of myself first, sorting out my messes before I let anyone else into them also is directly communicating that I don’t trust anyone else to do this as good as I do. And its saying “I’m going to do this myself because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed that others wont do it as well. I’m afraid of getting hurt still, afraid of being let down.”
I’m sure that I’m not alone in this. Trusting someone to really take care of you is crazy, its scary, and its wildly vulnerable.
But I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I want to feel fully loved.
By not allowing other to love me, I am denying the fact that I deserve to receive love and that it is a gift to love me. When I see my worth in being loved and letting others love me I begin to accept the love that I was designed to receive. And honestly, who doesn’t want to be loved? Last time I checked its the thing we all strive for in life; to be fully known and fully loved.
We don’t have to take care of our “mess” first, we can let ourselves be loved. And God longs for us to know how loved we are, its just a question as to whether or not we are going to let ourselves be loved too. And the way we let others in our lives really love us, directly reflects how we let God really love us.
So looks like I gotta ask for help more, and develop the confidence that I am not an inconvenience. I can ask for that extra cup of coffee, or help fundraising, or cleaning up my “messes”.
I deserve to be loved, and honored. We all do. I just hope for me and you, that we let ourselves be loved sooner rather than later.
~Mads
AND Here I am being vulnerable and asking for help: I need your support! Please scroll up and click that donate button, I have a deadline coming up in a month (December 21st), and I’m currently about $3,000 short! Please tell family and friends too, I need your love and support, financially and in prayer! 🙂
