Next week will mark two months since I said goodbye to my family, my home, and everything familiar.
Before, it felt normal, almost like going to a summer camp where you say goodbye with the expectancy to say hello again soon. But now that I have been away from home for this long, my flesh is starting to crave the hello again. It feels like I am just now saying goodbye and it’s really hard.
To be honest, this month was also really discouraging because of our current team dynamic. Because everyone on our team is so different and needs different things, it is often difficult to meet eye to eye on what steps to take. For example, whenever we are purchasing food for the team, some are logistically minded and are super focused on the budget while others seem completely unaware of the budget and focus on making everything taste good. In the same way, some of us are focused on personal growth and need more time to process and step away from the group, where others need closer community and desire to spend lots of time as a group.
Neither are wrong or dishonoring to God, but both clash and make it difficult to compromise.
We are still learning to balance sacrificing what we want and standing our ground in what we need. And it’s hard. It feels like we are all investing so much in trying to communicate, but instead of producing the healthy relationships we desire, it seems to only create more conflict.
In the midst of all of this, I am given the opportunity to either give up on what God is doing or continue to water the seed.
For a moment I missed that. I was discouraged with my team, I was missing the comforts of home, and I gave up. I thought I wanted to leave the Race. I figured it would be easier to just step out of this community that seemed to be failing miserably. It would be easier to run from conflict and run from vulnerability and run from conviction. If putting in work day in and day out only produces conflict, logically, I should stop putting in work.
But then the Lord stopped me.
He so gently reminded me that you don’t stop digging just because you haven’t hit fresh water yet.
You don’t stop cooking just because the food isn’t done as fast as you thought.
And you definitely don’t stop watering just because there is not yet fruit on the vine.
He challenged me to press into him.
He assured me that his promises are true.
He told me that in the midst of feeling unsure, his love is completely steady.
Peace and joy are promises, and just because I don’t feel it doesn’t mean he isn’t endlessly giving these gifts to me.
This blog is not being written in sadness or disappointment or an unfilled desire to be comfortable. No, this blog is written from a place of victory, a place of restored hope.
Looking back on these two months I thought I would find failure, but instead I found triumph.
God said,
“Look how much your team loves one another,
see how they are fighting to be my body?
Look how much effort each one puts in,
see that they want it more than they did two months ago?
Look how my love has invaded a once passive community,
see how I’m bringing clarity through communication?
Maddie! Look at what I have done!
I have never once left you dry, my love could never run out for you.
It only took two months for you to find awareness,
it only took two months for you to trust me with your team,
and it only took two months for you to realize
what I have asked you to sacrifice to be where I want you.
Just imagine what I can do in nine months!
Just imagine an entire lifetime with me!”
Wow God. I praise you because you are in complete control.
