It was exactly this time two years ago; I remember it vividly. I was sitting on my old, tan, k-mart futon, crying in our old living room – the one with the dark brown linoleum floors; I was writing in an old, tattered, black & gold journal. I was feeling discouraged by just about all of the decisions I had made: I was a year into living in Pennsylvania, had made very few friends, disliked my apartment, had spent the entire year between two different jobs that were important & challenging, but not a great fit for me, & I was getting ready to move yet again.
Today, I write to you from a laughable & simply ironic circumstance. I have spent the better part of this past week in tears, feeling overwhelmed by all the transition, all the change, all of the hard things, all at one time. I am sitting on the old, tattered, tan carpet upstairs in our carriage house. I’m in the midst of doing a very poor job at packing & have just about had it with the Pennsylvania humidity.
A few things are different, this time around, however. I no longer feel discouraged about my decisions & in fact, I have loved this sweet carriage house for the past two years – it has been a fun place to host & the cutest, most quirky place to call home {slanted floors, squeaky floorboards, radiator heat & all}. In fact, I have felt so far from discouraged, I realized I have felt so sad. I have been feeling so sad because I am saying goodbye to so many good things.
God has such a way of bringing perspective. I have been avoiding Him, avoiding writing, avoiding being in His word; because for me, when things get hard, I avoid, I pretend like it’s not happening, I get miserable on the inside, I make others worry about me & most of the time I don’t even realize it til I am reduced to a crumbled mess in the arms of someone who is trying to love me & wants the best for me.
This time two years ago I was frustrated with God for bringing me to a place where at the time it felt like a dead end. Looking back, it is so clear to me that God doesn’t bring us through hard things for nothing, He brings us through hard things to show us what we are capable of & to eventually reveal to us His perspective & plan. Two years ago I wasn’t ready to face what I am facing now, that little is clear. Two years ago I was relying on myself more than I was on God. Two years ago I was dreading not knowing what is next, now I am excited, anticipating what God has next.
Anyway, the reason I am telling you all of this is because I am so aware I am living a life that I absolutely adore. I think that is why it is so hard to leave. God was here long before I was in Pennsylvania & He has been desiring to show up in my life I only had to let Him in.
As I sit here, not so eager to say goodbye to all of these good things, I am reminded of the Maddie I used to be & God has shown me so much more of who He has intended for me to be.
In that ruggedty old black & gold journal, two years, almost to the date, I wrote these words:
WHAT?!
I know, crazy, right?! Some days I can’t believe it either.
I am looking back on that time & looking ahead into what the next 14 months will hold for me & I am so dang excited. I am equally sad, however, because I am leaving some really good things. To be sad & to grieve something reminds me that I care so much for something.
I have no idea who said this quote, but I absolutely love it:
“grief is another word for love.”
When life shifts, our hearts, our priorities, & our minds shift along with it. I have painstakingly learned for myself that change necessarily requires that I give myself room & time to grieve what I have loved so dearly.
Today I want to give you permission to grieve; to let go; to hear that “it is okay;” to be where you need to be, & who you need to be in this moment. For me, this looks like days no make-up, hair up in messy buns to accompany a messy floor, disaster-struck-looking-house, tearful eyes, & a very, very full heart.
I am so glad knowing that my sadness about this time of my life coming to an end denotes all of the things I so dearly love about this life I get to live.
I have had the opportunity to be a nanny for an incredibly strong & loving family.
I have been embraced by so many Pennsylvania families that have so quickly become my own.
I have met some of the most genuine, beautiful, iron sharpens iron people who choose to love me in my crazy & in my stable.
I have invested in a local church & been invested in, in return.
I have gotten to be a youth leader & have absolutely loved every second of it!
As difficult as it is to be in this season where I am saying many hard goodbyes & choosing to say hello to more new people, places, & challenges, I have found that in the midst of my grief I have found gratitude. I have found grace, & a deeper understanding of myself & who God is. Thank you for joining me on this journey!
