Journal entry from January 15:
“Okay. I want to grow. Seriously, the rest of my life depends on it. My entire future is basically resting on if I can or can’t learn to depend solely on You, and not on the people in my life. No one will ever even come close to satisfying me so I really need to stop trying. You are my only satisfaction. You are my first love. You are all that I want my heart to crave. Everything and everybody else is secondary. You are the only One who can fill me up. I need You to fill me up so that I have an overflow to give, not a lack and therefore I’m seeking to gain from others. I need You and You alone. Please get me to a place where thats truth for me. A place where You are all I need and all I want.”
Wanna know an ugly truth about me? I really really really have a problem with depending on the people in my life, especially the people I love deeply. It’s always been a problem. I’ve recognized the problem within the last couple years and I really wanted to fix it. I said I would, I prayed about it (maybe once or twice every time I thought about it), and then that was it. I’d be better about it for a solid three days, if that, and then go right back to my filthy habit of clinging to people to be my life support. It didn’t just stop there though, for the people that I knew also loved me deeply, I would lash out if they weren’t fulfilling my desire for satisfaction. If I felt like people were too busy for me or were rejecting me, if I felt that I was unimportant or a burden, I would lash out to cover the hurt. The problem with this was, not only was I hurting myself, I was hurting the people I love most in the world. I was putting unreachable expectations of my loved ones, and expecting them to fill the God sized hole in me.
I had a decently large wake up call recently and well, I’m making the change that has been needed for years. I’m not gonna search for fulfillment or sustenance in anyone but my Creator. I’m done hurting the people I love most by setting them up for failure by the unrealistic expectations I’ve set for them. But wow, growth hurts. I know the Lord sustains me. I know He’s enough for me. I’ve always had the knowledge. But putting into practice and truly living it out is most definitely a different story. Because the Lord is my friend, and we have experienced more intimacy recently than ever before, but when I’m lonely or want comfort, its hard for me to reach for Him. My first instinct is to reach for the people who I can audibly hear back or who can physically touch me. The only problem is, they can comfort and answer me all they want, but they can’t heal the spiritual or emotional wounds that life brings. They can’t calm my racing heart when I experience anxiety over being unwanted. He always wants me. He will never choose anything or anyone over me, because I am His child. I am His beloved. I must cling to that.
Psalm 54:4 NIV
“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the One who sustains me.”
Been starting off every morning with this verse, reading it, praying it, quoting it, and just writing it on my heart. So yeah, while growth hurts, I know the hurt means growth is actually occurring.
So yeah, that’s just something I’m currently walking through. I want to learn to be sustained by the Lord fully for me and my walk with him, but I also want to do it because of the way it affects all the people I love.
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I wrote this blog after my first week in Myanmar, I’m back in Thailand and I’m extremely pleased to tell you that I’m truly getting there. The Lord has walked me through a lot of painful truths about myself and in turn has asked me to do some hard things. He has asked me to do things that are hard for me so I can learn to crave Him and Him alone. He has so sweetly filled me up and shown me that no matter the outcome of anything else in life, He is Someone I can always count on. He will never run out of chances to give me and He will never leave me. He will be right by my side, leading me into hard things and asking me to make hard decisions so that Him and I can have the most intimate relationship possible. It’s happening (not without pain and heartache, but its happening). I am learning to fully rely on Him alone, and honestly, its showed me that doing anything else is pointless. He can take anything or anyone away and as long as I have Him, I’m okay.
This was just a short snippet I wanted to share, I’m probably going to be posting another blog with more about my time in Myanmar within the next couple days.
Thanks for reading. I love you guys.
Kyleigh
