I’ve been at a loss for words here lately. I’ve wanted to write something to invite you guys into what I’m walking through, but I haven’t had an idea of where to start. I wasn’t sure how to describe it. But this morning, God gave me the words to share my heart and here they are.
First, I want to share this song with you that a friend of mine shared with me. Give it a quick listen, it sets the ground for what I am about to share with you.
I’ve heard this song before, a few times before actually. Although, I wrote it off because it was too slow for my taste. It wasn’t as upbeat as the other songs on their album. I gave it another listen, and realized that I have never actually paid attention to the lyrics because I’m always so set on looking for the beat instead of listening to the words. When the second verse rolled around, it really caught my attention. If you didn’t catch it when you listened, it say’s:
“And should the fire that once burned bright
become an ember my eyes can’t see
I will remember Your sacrifice
I will abide in Your love for me”
It was as if I had written the words myself. They perfectly describe what I’ve been experiencing and am still very much still experiencing. In Panama, my fire was burning BRIGHT for Jesus. My love for Him flooded through every inch of my body and I could see it and feel it overflowing. There was a resounding “yes” in my spirit for the most part. I was homesick, but I didn’t actually want to go home. I simply just missed home. Now, I want to go home. And I want to go home, very badly. My fire that once burned bright has indeed become an ember that my eyes just cannot see. It’s been really hard for me to remember the sacrifice of Jesus. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s honest. It’s been even harder for me to rest in the love of the Father. It’s a lot easier said than done, believe me. I am at the end of my rope. I am not really feeling all that effective for the Gospel and for building the Kingdom of God this past week. In contrast, I feel like I’ve been hurting it and tearing it down rather than help building it up. Life on the race is really hard. It’s hard for me to lean into God when all I wanna do is lean into expedia.com to book a flight home. I explained it best to my mentor, “I wake up every day and the first thing I think is that I want to go home. Only ___ more days. If I even make it that far.”
One morning, I was talking on the phone with my mom and she said, “I’ve noticed that you don’t really want to come home until things start to get hard or when you’re frustrated. I’ve also noticed that when you push through those moments, on the other side you experience all the cool things that God has for you. You just need to push through those moments.”
Of course, she’s right. But when I feel weak and don’t have the will to keep pushing on it’s hard to fight through. It’s hard to fight. Lately, I feel like an underdog rather than a conqueror. I am weak. I am weary. It’s hard to choose joy when all I want to do is choose isolation and build up walls so high that nobody can access me.
But then again, I know that God has big plans. I know that He is bigger than what I’m feeling. I can see how far he has brought me already. I can see how much he has given me to grow in. I can see the major growth I have walked in the last 3 months. I can’t imagine what He would be able to do in 11 months. My flesh really wants to go home but my spirit wants to stick around to find out.
I need strength. I need endurance. I need patience. I need grace to be able to extend. I need perspective. Please pray that I would gain these things so that I can experience the fullness of what God has for me here on the world race. Pray that I would see and choose what God wants for me rather than focusing on what I want. Pray that I would focus on the love that God has for me. Pray that I will remember His sacrifice and that I will abide in His love for me. I am thankful that God is so patient with me.
Gotta keep it real. Thanks for tuning in.
