I feel like I think this almost every time I write a blog, but this actually may be my most vulnerable blog yet. It might make some people uncomfortable, but if the Lord uses my words to set one person free from this struggle that I and so many people have been bound to, it will be worth it to me. Please know that these words are not coming from a place of ignorance but actually quite the opposite–a place of love. In one of my most recent blogs I talked about how powerful vulnerability is and how necessary it is for us as Christians to get over ourselves and learn to talk about taboo struggles so that people can find freedom from them. Now, I want to personally walk the talk and open up about one struggle I have found freedom from.
Let’s cut to the chase: I’m here to talk about pornography. I KNOW millions of people, both men and women, have been affected by this industry in one way or another, yet I could count on my hands the number of people that I have heard ever actually admit to it. I could go on for hours about the darkness of the pornography industry, its ties to sex and child trafficking, and how casual pop culture has made it. But for now, I want to focus on the effects that watching pornography had on my heart because at the core of it all, that is the target of the enemy: to attack your heart and your perception of intimacy.
When I first started watching pornography in 7th grade, I was researching out of curiosity. I was not intentionally looking to “watch porn” and I’m convinced very few people are, in the beginning at least. Watching pornography tainted my perception of curiosity. While curiosity was something beautiful created by the Father to lead us into wonder and awe of who He is, this struggle led me to believe that curiosity was the destruction of innocence and that curiosity led to me being met by a world full of darkness and evil. After I became addicted, I lived in a constant feeling of dirtiness, shame, darkness, self-hatred, and overall, a fear of intimacy.
Here’s what I didn’t know when I was struggling with pornography: By choosing to watch it, I wasn’t just feeding my curiosity. I was scarring my mind and my heart. I was actively giving my purity over to the enemy. I was becoming more and more untrusting of men. I was becoming more and more untrusting of myself. I was taking something that the Lord had created to be a beautiful expression of love and replacing it with something the enemy had distorted, normalized, popularized, and covered and smothered in lust and shame. I was leading myself into a lifestyle of lies and secrecy. I was being unfaithful to my future husband. I was distorting my view of relationships. I was living in fear of intimacy and love.
By the Lord’s freaking grace, I only struggled with pornography for a year and a half. One night, just by repenting and asking for it, the Lord delivered me from the addiction once and for all. He forgave me, took away the titles of “dirty” and “gross” that I had labeled myself as, and instead He chose to look at me and all the crap I had done and still call me by name: Kaitlyn, which literally means pure. He totally reconciled me and took away all of my shame because He’s just that. good. Yay! I’m done with thinking about, dealing with, and talking about pornography forever, right?
HAHA. Funny. Little did I know, I was blindly walking into every. Single. Relationship with this fear of intimacy. I was scared of my weaknesses and the things I knew I was capable of doing. I was scared of men and subconsciously thought horrible things about them. Even in my close friendships and family, I still held back pieces of myself out of fear of being intimately known. For every relationship that failed, for every awkward way that I distanced myself from people, I left wondering “why the heck am I so afraid of love? What is wrong with me?” I was totally oblivious to the way pornography had locked up my heart and shut everyone else out.
Last month, I shared my full testimony with people for the first time ever. I told my team everything. Right before I did, the song “Pieces” by Amanda Cook played as I was talking to the Lord. I had been thinking a lot about intimacy with the Lord and why in the heck I struggled with it so much. In the moment that I asked Him to give me His view of love, to give me new memories of what intimacy truly is, I heard the song lyric: “Your love’s not broken, it’s not insecure. Your love’s not selfish, your love is pure.”
This moment hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS! This is the piece I’ve been missing all along!! True intimacy is found in the Father. The Star Breather, The I Am, The Creator romances us until we know with confidence that we are seen, known fully, chosen, safe, and LOVED WITHOUT CONDITION OR RESTRAINT. He does not trick us. His love for us does not shift with circumstances or choices. HIS LOVE IS NOT TAINTED BY DARKNESS AND LUST. ITS PURE. And when we become sure and confident in the integrity of His love, we are set free from any fears of intimacy. Because we KNOW. We know that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18
I’m still learning how to let this verse be true for me. But I sure as heck don’t walk in fear of intimacy anymore. He gave me new eyes to see love the way He does.
A little update: I AM IN MALAYSIA NOW!! WOAH. I will be posting a blog later this week about all the things the Lord is doing here so get hyped for that because God is alive and working here. As always, I am so so so so so grateful for every beautiful human reading this and every dollar and prayer that was given to allow me to be doing what I’m doing right now. The Lord has shown me grace upon grace through you guys.
In love and gratitude,
KT
