I’m sad to say that my spiritual condition hasn’t progressed much since my last blog update, however, that is exactly why I wanted to write. I need prayer.
Before my fall semester let out, I felt like I was at a spiritual, mental, and emotional breaking point. When Christmas break finally arrived, I found myself still going full-speed between traveling to see family and serving on two separate ministry trips. And though I preach “finding life in laying it down,” I instead spent a great amount of energy in resentment over the friends I wasn’t getting to see and the rest I wasn’t getting to have because of serving.
All this time, the four weeks I had off from school, I didn’t open my Bible for one personal quiet time.
I was gravely neglecting myself spiritually.
My last semester of college began and the second week in, my long-awaited breakdown came bursting through, and in the form of big, ugly tears I might add.
Thankful for my friend who saw me and ignored my repetitive, “I’m fine,” I verbalized how I felt about God for this first time in months.
Here’s where I change from past tense to present and lay out the ugly truth of where I am spiritually and why I need your prayers.
My cup is empty.
I serve out obligation to Christ’s call to discipleship rather than an overflow of my love for him and others.
I feel like the life is being sucked out of me most Sundays.
The idea of serving him interchanges between joy and burdensome.
I don’t read his Word regularly.
I’ve never felt this attacked by Satan.
I’m tempted by “numbing” sins for relief.
I feel overwhelmed by the weight on my shoulders.
I feel like Christ isn’t there to help carry them.
God’s love seems foreign. So distant that I don’t remember what it means to live in the light of his love and grace because I’ve been fixated on serving him.
I’m excited about serving on the WR and dedicating a year like this to the Lord.
But I need to go back to why I’m doing this in the first place.
I need to remember my First Love.
Despite these feelings, I’m thankful. Thankful that I do not belong to a God who would sit back and let me be swept away by darkness. Rather I belong to a God who knows these thoughts and gives me the courage to acknowledge and confess them. Who lovingly forgives. Who graciously restores. Who tells me that I must humble myself and ask for help, ask for prayer.
I did my first quiet time in weeks and read Matthews 8 and 9: chapters full of Christ’s miracles. When I read Scripture, I gravitate towards the messages revolving around evangelism and living out the Christian faith. Before I opened my Bible, I asked God to just let me see his love towards me.
He answered. Instead of noting the things I’m called to do, I only saw what Jesus was doing for his people. He was healing the sick and restoring lives, all because of his love for them. I saw myself as the bleeding woman, the blind man, and all the others. I saw myself as one crying out and tugging on Jesus to restore me. In that moment, my cup felt full.
In Revelations, the church at Ephesus is reminded to not forget their First Love. They were a church focused on service but forgot the why and source of fuel for that service.
I, like the church at Ephesus, needed that reminder.
How I need you:
This season of dryness has shown me that spiritual warfare is no joke, which is why I am appealing to you for prayer. Prayer is one of our biggest weapons, and the enemy has no foothold where we are rooted in prayer.
Please pray for perseverance, an accountability partner, fruitful quiet times, and restored joy and love for the Lord.
Also, as I am appealing for prayer, please let me know of your prayer requests.
Thank for your love and support,
Kathryn
