Listening to God and actually believing that He talks to me and that I can hear him is really hard for me to believe.
It’s like if someone else tells me that they heard from God, then I’d be like, “well, sure. I believe you.” But when it comes to The Lord talking to me, I’m just like, “well how do I really KNOW. I don’t trust myself enough to trust that I can hear correctly or even hear at all.” These thought patterns have made it significantly challenging for me during activation. What is activation? Activation is basically where we learn about something (for example: hearing the voice of the Lord) and then we go out and actually practice what we learn. This is terrifying for me, because I wonder how the heck I am supposed to tell other people what God is saying, when I don’t even know what God is saying. But just because I am terrified of it doesn’t mean I can’t try it.
We went out to a village called San Lorenzo. And walked over to an area to pray. We basically just ask the Lord what He wants to do with this time and what he is saying. Then everyone shares what they heard from God, and we walk around the village doing what The Lord says. I listened to everyone else speak. One person said they had a vision of a red wheelbarrow, another said, a woman carrying a heavy load. As I listened to everyone explain what they heard I felt so strange. I was like, “is this even real? This is the freaking weirdest thing.”
But they were being real. And we started walking around the village.
We came up to house that had a red wheel barrow in the front and knocked on the door. A woman named Simona kindly invited us in. She had 4 children that all greeted us with hugs. We talked with her and asked her how she was doing and explained that we were just walking around hanging out in San Lorenzo for the day and praying for some people too. After awhile we asked her if there was anything she needed prayer for and she began to get teary eyed. She explained that her husband recently found a new job. This was good news, but also sad because it required him to be gone for several weeks at a time. She explained that the kids always ask her when their dad will be home. And the youngest son named Jimmy frequently asks if his dad will be able to hug him for his upcoming birthday. My heart immediately sunk. I didn’t necessarily expect it too. I mean, I have compassion for people, but this was different. It was like, I felt a deep connection to this woman and her children somehow. And as we prayed over her, I began to cry. That’s also when The Lord said, “your life doesn’t have to be all together to declare a banner of hope over this family. they are not abandoned.” When I heard that, I didn’t really “hear” anything. I just thought it. But the thing is, hearing the voice of God isn’t always an audible voice. Sometimes it’s through my thoughts that are way too good to be my own.
I continued to cry more as The Lord gave me a deep love for and compassion on this family. After we prayed, Our leader asked if anyone had anything to share and than looked at me and said, “you have something?” (The holy spirit is cool like that and brings a lot of unity to situations like that.) I stuttered a lot and said something like, “I think that the Lord wants to let you know that you and your children are not abandoned during this time when your husband is gone.” We talked with them a little longer and then hugged them goodbye. I just continued to cry. (literally I was just walking around San Lorenzo rubbing snot all over my sleeve.) This family in San Lorenzo is so precious and seen in the eyes of the Lord. They are beautiful people and so gracious to let us come into their home. I was so thankful for the opportunity to get to meet them. And we plan on visiting them again this week.
Sometimes, The Lord really wrecks you even when you say you can’t understand his voice. Because He doesn’t ask us to understand everything. He does give us promises though. He promises to never abandoned us. He promises that he isn’t out to get us, and that he desires the best for us since we are all his children. He promises that he is not a God of confusion or chaos. This means, that even when I don’t understand things, or when Simona goes weeks without seeing her husband, God has not forgotten. He is a good father. He is good dad. And good dad’s will always lookout for their children.
I believe that God speaks, and I believe that He is drawing me closer to become familiar with his voice and hear without doubting it.
