God has really been blessing this trip, and I am excited to embark on this next phase of life. Right now life feels hard, but also really good because I know that where the Lord is leading me, is so so good. It’s crazy how much life can change and I have been reminded of this a lot lately. The other night in the car my bestie Landon turned to me and said something like, “it’s so crazy how much you’ve changed since we graduated. It’s like you have a new rawness and realness to you. And it’s really cool to see.” These words encouraged me a lot, which is why I type them now.
The reason they resonate so deep with me is because God is showing me how he is using trials and life circumstances to shape and mold me into the very best version of myself that HE created me to be.
Just the other day I decided to go for a run. I was completely dreading it because I hadn’t run in so long. I learned quickly in life that when the crap hits the fan, and things get really hard, sometimes it’s very challenging to stay healthy (mentally, spiritually, and even physically too.) This has been a real struggle for me. When it came to this run, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to crank out as many miles as I used to be able to. Running takes so much mental strength as well as physical, and I felt so unprepared to face such a task.
When we were only half way through the run, I knew I would have to stop soon. There was a hill ahead so I just prayed that I would be able to make it up the hill.
I made it (barely).
As soon as I rounded the corner, I started thanking The Lord. (panting heavily, might I add)
I thanked Him out loud.
My mouth just started mumbling these words:
“thank you for these lungs”
“thank you for your faithfulness to me”
“thank you for legs that can run”
“thank you Jesus”.
As I reflected back on the run I just did, I realized that normally after a supposed “failed” run or failed anything for that matter, I would normally start tearing myself apart. Literally saying these words:
“you should have tried harder, you idiot.”
“stupid, stupid, stupid.”
“you are not skinny enough to be good at running”
“you’ll never amount to anything as a runner.”
And I always believed them. I believed them to the core of who I was.
It was then that the Lord spoke something very significant to my heart.
He said, “Julia….my daughter, I let you go through those trials, and be broken down to your core, so that you could be closer to me. I love you.”
I started crying. (God bless my best friend Lisa who gave me no judgement during this entire run and as I cried like a little child!).
How faithful is our God! Even though I used to think that I was fine, and I thought I was happy, and in great shape; my heart was ugly. My spirit was weak. And my whole mentality was completely twisted and corrupt. I was totally unprepared for the ministry and life that Jesus had for me. I had to be broken down in all aspects; spiritually, mentally, and definitely physically, for the Lord to be able to speak to me in such a real and meaningful way. I thought to myself, “THIS is living!” For probably the first time in a long time, I felt like I could actually breathe. I thought that I was living before, but I was completely blinded. I truly wouldn’t be the same if He hadn’t intervened the way that He did and still is. I believe that he wants to FULLY restore me, and make me even better than before. (As in, even more like him day by day.)
Jesus has given me a restored hope that he is with me. And that, because his name is above every other name, I can make it through anything. NO problem is too much for my God. NO thing, is to miniscule for him to care about.
There are definitely days that my mind slips back into past thought patterns of why I am not qualified or good enough; days where I am forgetful of who I am because of Jesus. But He is faithful, and He pulls me back in, over and over again.
I truly believe that the Lord has been preparing my heart for this race for well over a year now. Even though I didn’t realize it at the time. Jesus is so good. And so involved. And he loves YOU very very much.
Thanks for reading,
Jules
PS check out this adorable flower I’m currently staring at:
