long time no see. We have a couple days left here in Ecuador and then my team and I head off to Nauta, Peru. But before getting into that next step in this journey I’m going to give a run down of what the last two months has looked like for me in Ecuador.
I actually can’t remember most of my first month here, that happens to be because I had a particularly hard time in my transition from being an only child in the states to then living with my whole squad of 47 other people, and living in the same room with 9 other girls that I can now say I love so much. But because of the unsettlement I was feeling in this new environment, I started to numb things out, I stopped reflecting on my emotions and just went through the motions.
While in this stage, I was still in a community that pushed us in reflection questions, and was driven by learning and choosing healthy ways to pursue each other and God. After getting many words of prophecy or insight, there started to be a disturbance in my inner being that shut down the oblivion I was living in and brought to light the dullness, doubt and uncertainty about my next steps to get out of the rut I was burrowing myself into. I realized I needed to stop wasting time; but I kept falling short.
Our squad had debrief in Banos, Ecuador. This was the transitioning point for me. All of us were worshipping and praying at the rooftop of our hostel before going out and evangelizing. Our squad coach, Cathy, then spoke to the group. She said she believed someone had a word and to not be reluctant to share. I was sitting against the back wall journaling my frustration towards my unfulfillment that I didn’t know how to walk out of. People began to speak.
“Don’t doubt what the Lord can do”
“Be obedient.”
I jotted it down but went back to journaling then a thought aroused in my head that wasn’t my own “Don’t you hear me.” No Lord I didn’t hear you but thank you for interceding. Finally the steps I was so unsure about had been made clear. So with that being said what do you do when your flesh and heart fail, when your soul feels weary, when your discouraged, unbelief has you at the foothold and hope seems to far gone?
This involved me informing my mind to begin inspiring my heart. We have to learn to fight the downcast of spirit by preaching truth to ourselves (Psalm 42:11) it’s important in overcoming spiritual depression. Some times I realize that most of my unhappiness in life comes from the fact that I listen to myself rather than talking to myself and by that I mean I have to take my thoughts captive and replace them with things that lift me up because of the thoughts I wake up with that bring back the problems of yesterday do me no good. The bible is replete with instances of people struggling with sunken spirits. Psalm 19:7 says, ‘The law of the Lord is perfect reviving the soul.” This is a clear admission that our souls sometimes needs to be revived. David says the same thing in Psalm 23:2-3 “He leads me besides still waters. He restores my soul.”
The battle against despondency is a battle to believe the promises of God. The belief in Gods future grace comes by hearing the word and preaching to ourselves the word of God, being open to him transforming you is at the heart of the battle because the doubt and dullness will wither away in the act to pursue him rightfully. The battle is constant, maybe even everyday but I’m willing. Willing to give up my emotions and my daily wants because the fact is that the gospel demands everything out of us and if we think the gospel has somehow slotted into our lives quite easily without causing any major adjustments to our lifestyle it is likely we haven’t really started following Jesus at all. Therefore, I will roll out of bed for one main purpose; to fall madly in love with Jesus Christ.
