Welp folks, if you didn’t know, it’s been a month now since I returned to my hometown of San Diego!
“How was your trip?!”
“How does it feel to be home?”
“SOooo, what’s next?!”
These are the famous questions I’ve been asked. The questions I didn’t know would set me off in a bizarre, mental & emotional state that I have never experienced before. But, I get it. If you’ve followed my journey, those are the things you’re probably wondering too, so I want to honor that and answer them for you if you were curious!
How was my journey? (I prefer that term)
Well, this one’s a funny one to answer because even though I know it’s coming, I still pause & make a million faces trying to find the words. So, I’ve resorted to my favorite word: W I L D.
It’s the word I used most this year to describe the nature of God, the miracles we saw, the overwhelming love of Jesus & the chains that are broken from that, the devotion & passion of the global church and everything else in between. It was wild…in the best sense of the word. I don’t like to say the word trip because it wasn’t just a trip. That sounds like it was a vacation. Or just a year of traveling. No, it was a journey. A spiritual and physical journey. It was a heightened walk with the Lord as we saw Kingdom unfold before our very eyes all over the word in the hearts of so, so many people we now hold dear to our hearts. If you have more specific questions, please feel free to ask me! I had the most amazing year of my life with the best people, so I truly do love to talk about it 🙂 coffee date, phone call, text, whatever!
How does it feel to be home?
I get scared to answer this. My friend Maggie used to say, “it’s not good or bad, it’s just different”, and that’s the best way I can describe being home. It’s just different. I’m different. My family is different. My friends are different. My view of “home” is different. Home is so many people and so many places. It is anywhere the love and safety is. Anywhere my community is. I grieved the fact that I will no longer be doing everyday life with every single person on my squad ever again (until heaven). I have mourned them as my community that is no longer. Even better than that though, they are my family forever. We call each other and check in ALL the time, THANK GOD. And I have cried more than I can count about the thought of returning to the home that is any of these people and any of the countries we went to. However, I choose to fully embrace where God has me right now. And it is here, in the US of A, in California, and back in San Diego.
BUT, that is also such good news to my soul! Why? Because I deeply feared that I was coming home to a place that stayed the same. A place that didn’t want to hear about the work that JESUS did and more about the adventures that came with traveling. A place that wouldn’t understand the things I went through and this new refined person the Lord is making me. Lastly, a place that didn’t desire to know God and live like Jesus the way HE desires them to. And for all these things, I apologize. I apologize for thinking that while I was gone dedicating a year to growing His Kingdom, that He wasn’t also working with the same might and power over here in the states. That sounds so ugly to type and I hate that I thought that, but it goes to show how little our faith can be sometimes. So, yeah. I was scared, and I still feel a little weird, but thankfully, with some amazing perspective and help from our leaders (and God, of course) I have so much HOPE. I am happy to be joining in what God is doing here in the communities around me.
SO WHAT’S NEXT?
Last week, mom & I were randomly talking about Nepal. There was one sweet, genuine question she asked that sent me to non-stop tears in my bed. She quickly tried to help by saying, “Well, aren’t there other trips that you can sign up for? If you love what you did so much, and you’re just sad being here, go back!” Ouch. That is the tension of this transition right now. The tension that I didn’t want others to notice. I love my mom for knowing and trusting my hearts desires to continue serving internationally. I love her for the instant support & faith that surrounds her statements like that. And the truth is, in the near future, I will be continuing to serve abroad. But, not now. It was in Nepal that I felt the Lord tell me that I needed to live back at home for a while. Do I know how long? Nope! Did I try to secure a job before coming? Yup! Did the Lord let me? Nope… Is it kicking me in the butt right now? A tad. Is it growing my faith & trust in Him as my provider and source for EVERYTHING? Slowly & surely. And I knew that was His point.
So, here I am in obedience to Him. It’s weird. Yes, the race was stretching and growing, but I wouldn’t classify as it as “hard” for me. Raising money was the hardest part because I hate feeling needy and asking people for help (that’s a whole other conversation). But all the different types of ministries, travel days, lack of sleep, adjusting to time zones, cultures, food and sleeping arrangements were life-giving for me. There were uncomfortable moments and outbursts of frustration, yeah, but I loved it all and would do it again in a heartbeat.
What’s hard is this. This new season. It’s hard because I have discovered what feels like my purpose. I was finally living it out – at least parts of it. I see glimpses of what the Lord is calling me into, and I want to jump straight into it so badly… but it’s not time yet.
“I Just Can’t Wait to be King”
The Lord had me studying the life of King David while I was on the camino. I didn’t understand why in the moment, but I do now. David attended the sheep, served King Saul, and was an apprentice before the Lord actually appointed him to the throne. There was a long season of learning, pruning, doing the dirty work, and being ok with the mundane – being okay with what feels like “insignificance”. And this is what the next season is going to be, and has already been. I remember hearing these words flow from my friend Oscars mouth as he confirmed what I felt the Lord was saying. Oscar said he heard the song “I just can’t wait to be king” playing from the Lion King. I was of course little, foolish Simba. I remember thinking, “welp, here finally comes my season of being miserable. My dark night of the soul!” I didn’t know what to expect coming home, I just knew that it was going to involve a lot of work, polishing and pruning.
I laugh at my reaction and the fear I had to that now. I’m sure God laughed at how dramatic I was being, too.
Why do we fear hard work and the process? They say that great things take time, but all we want is for things to happen fast. We view slowness as failure. I have to wait how long? Nope, give me the quicker option. I have to put in how much work? Ehh, I’ll pass. That’s the mentality I realized I had. Because I couldn’t see with my own human eyes. I try everyday to figure things out and put an explanation or purpose to it all. Then I find myself apologizing to God for trying to control it. To try to speed up the process.
There have been so many opportunities to jump on. Jobs to grasp that would make sense for me to do, but I know it is not God’s timing. So I am waiting.
Fighting, but waiting. Learning how to be patient. The past month has felt like a month too long and I already feel my insides screaming for newness. Ready for change. Ready for the next place. But, I am learning that sometimes the most brave, scary and courageous thing to do is to stay still. To not get off the boat, but rather wait and let Jesus come to me. To let Him steer through the clouds that I can’t see through. To watch Him steer away from the clear path that I was securely making for myself. To have full trust that even though I don’t see it, I’ll be ok. Even though I look crazy to the world for the choices I’m making, I will be ok because I am seeking His Kingdom above all. He truly does have greater things in store for us than we think we can ever make for ourselves.
Until then, this little Shepard girl will wait. She will work in the field she has been placed in. She will choose to believe that her dreams still await her, and she will fight harder to believe when she let’s the fog rock her boat a little. The Lord never stops working. Believe that. You will reap and receive your crown, too.
I am insanely grateful for the past year and for your support. It was not just a bunch of photos and memories. It was a launching pad. A launching pad for the rest of my life. For greater work for His kingdom. I invite you to stay subscribed to my blog, because this was really just the beginning.
I ask for prayers specifically as I continue to settle down back home. Transition is hard, emotional, joyful, sweet and painful. I have good days and slightly less good days. Overall, I see them as still good because even if I am sad, have breakdowns, or am moving a little slower that day, its all part of the process. The beautiful, refining process. I invite the hard with open hands because I know the reward. I know the daughter of the King I want to am/becoming. And, as long as we hold onto hope, it doesn’t have to feel miserable. What a lie that is. That the easier route, the route of instant gratification, the life of success, that the life of only highs/mountain-tops will bring you an abundant life. No, faith, obedience & surrender to the Lord does. That’s a promise. Simple devotion to Him through any season is what matters. That is what is significant. How can He trust you with the big things if you aren’t faithful with the small?
“We who have already experienced the firstfruits of the Spirit also inwardly groan as we passionately long to experience our full status as God’s sons and daughters—including our physical bodies being transformed. 24 For this is the hope of our salvation. But hope means that we must trust and wait for what is still unseen. For why would we need to hope for something we already have? 25 So because our hope is set on what is yet to be seen, we patiently keep on waiting for its fulfillment. 26 And in a similar way, the Holy Spirit takes hold of us in our human frailty to empower us in our weakness. For example, at times we don’t even know how to pray, or know the best things to ask for. But the Holy Spirit rises up within us to super-intercede on our behalf, pleading to God with emotional sighs too deep for words. 27 God, the searcher of the heart, knows fully our longings, yet he also understands the desires of the Spirit, because the Holy Spirit passionately pleads before God for us, his holy ones, in perfect harmony with God’s plan and our destiny. 28 So we are convinced that every detail of our lives is continually woven together to fit into God’s perfect plan of bringing good into our lives, for we are his lovers who have been called to fulfill his designed purpose. 29 For he knew all about us before we were born and he destined us from the beginning to share the likeness of his Son. This means the Son is the oldest among a vast family of brothers and sisters who will become just like him. 30 Having determined our destiny ahead of time, he called us to himself and transferred his perfect righteousness to everyone he called. And those who possess his perfect righteousness he co-glorified with his Son!” – Romans 8:23-30
If you find yourself in a similar season here’s some truths that have been helping me through it:
– Romans 8. All of it. Especially this last part. It’s so good.
– Waymaker by Leeland. Man that song has a whole new meaning to it for me.
Love,
Jezebelle
