If you have been following my blogs you will know that the words the Lord gave me for the year are Reckless and Wild Abandon. (If you have not read my blog Rain, Bloom, and Wild Abandon; please go read it, then come back) NOW GO and read it, RIGHT NOW!
When he gave me these words I was confused because I had thought that I had already wildly abandoned so many things. I had abandoned my job, comfortable lifestyle, friends, family, and all the comforts of the states. So I asked what else do I have to abandon Lord, why would you be calling me into another year of abandonment. All I heard in response was “trust me”. This is a response I have been getting from the Lord a lot lately. Any time I would ask about the future he would say, “Jenny do you trust me? Just wait it is not time.”
Honestly I have been so frustrated with this answer. Instead of trusting, I started making my own plans for what going back to the states was going to look like. I knew that the Lord was calling me to a lifetime of missions but I didn’t and still don’t know fully what that direction is supposed to be. So I started asking for just the next step and when he would respond with “just wait” I would push back and create a plan of my own. Something I have learned on the race is that, yes, the Lord 100% wants to give you the desires of your heart, but he wants you to align your heart with his so that your desires align with his best plan for your life. While I was planning what life after the race was to look like I was not trying to align my heart to his. I was just trying to fulfill my desire to have a plan to be able to tell people what was happening next for me. I was trying to build my own tower, but was missing the most important ingredient, the cement that would hold it all together, and that was the alignment of my heart with the Father’s. Since my tower didn’t have cement holding the bricks together it was easy to knock down. It was simple truths that knocked my tower down and it was through the uplifting and building of my community that allowed me to be open to what God was going to put on the table.
The item the Lord placed on the table was something I had written off because the more I looked into the details surrounding it the crazier it seemed. This item was squad leading for a gap year route. Gap year squad leading would mean that I would have the opportunity to speak into the lives of 18-21 year olds for 9 months on the field. When I first said yes to the race, the thought popped into my head about how cool it would be to squad lead for gap year because of my love for college age students. I believe those years are some of the most formative years of a person’s life. So getting the opportunity to speak into their lives while traveling for 9 months and living fully immersed in community, ministry and intimacy with with lord would be the best possible way to make a kingdom impact in their lives. But I took this opportunity off the table because of the details. Those details being: needing to raise funds again, having to leave in the beginning of September when I don’t come back to the states until August 28th, and committing to another year long experience when I am almost 30, and not being able to tell people what I am doing for the rest of my life. In the spirit of true transparency this last reason was honestly the biggest reason for me taking it off the table. I told the lord I was so done with moving year to year and bouncing around from experience to experience. I wanted to settle down somewhere and see the fruits of being rooted in a place. Then the Lord spoke clearly and said, “Did I call you to live comfortably Jenny?” Which if you read my very first blog, was the question he asked to propel me onto the race from the comfortable life I was building for myself in Buena Vista, Colorado. Coincidence, I think not!
All this to say Gap Year Squad Leading is back on the table and I have said YES to this opportunity. God has shown me over and over again on the race that he just wants my yes and obedience, even when it doesn’t make sense to me or the world around me. He wants me to jump in fully, to recklessly and wildly abandon what people will think of my decision, to surrender my own plans, and trust the Lord fully with my family and close friends. To actually live out what I asked for in the beginning; he wants me to live open handed and not just say that I am. He is asking me to fully release all the things I want to hold so tightly to, so that he can use them for the betterment of his Kingdom. In this process I know that he has promised blooming in this year. He told me that through the reckless and wild abandon will come full blooming. So here you go Lord, I am saying YES. I am jumping off the cliff into the unknown and trusting that the bloom will be better than anything I could dream of for myself.
I don’t know all the details about what this next year will look like yet, but I do know that it will be better than what I was planning for myself. I am expectant of a beautiful bloom. I am looking forward to the good, hard, radiant, and unexpected things this YES will hold.
A song that has really been speaking to me during this season is Rebel Heart by Lauren Daigle, I encourage you to listen to it. If you read through the lyrics you will hear her struggle in laying down her whole heart. I have felt that struggle, but I know that in laying it all down and leaving it at Jesus’s feet, that is where abundant life truly starts. So why try and fight it, my heart is his and always has been.
Lord, I offer up this rebel heart
So stubborn and so restless from the start
I don’t wanna fight You anymore
So take this rebel heart and make it Yours
Father, I no longer wanna run
You’ve broken my resistance with Your love
And drowned it underneath the crimson spill
So bend this rebel heart unto Your will
I give it over to You
I give it over to You
Your love is like an arrow, straight and true
And now this rebel heart belongs to You
Help me lay the renegade to rest
Turn the stone inside me back to flesh
And hold me ’til my best defenses fall
And watch this rebel heart surrender all
I give it over to You
I give it over to You
Your love is like an arrow, straight and true
And now this rebel heart belongs to You
Oh, take my life and let it be Yours
Oh, take my life and let it be Yours
Oh, take my life and let it be Yours
Oh, take my life and let it be Yours
I give it over to You
I give it over to You
Your love is like an arrow, straight and true
And now this rebel heart belongs to You
Now this rebel heart belongs to You
Now this rebel heart belongs to You
Songwriters: Paul Duncan / Lauren Daigle / Paul Mabury
Rebel Heart lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
