So I was going to try and write a well thought out blog about sitting in the tension of this season of life, but as I was trying to come up with analogies and witty things to say I just became tired. It started sounding less and less like me and I promised in my “about me” page to be honest and real, so honest and real is what you are going to get.
If you know me well, you know that I thrive in the spontaneity of life and the unplanned. Many friends of mine know that 90% of the time I’ll say yes if invited even 15 minutes before leaving or doing whatever it is. I am not a planner, and have never been one. For those of you who are kindred in the messy spontaneity of life you know that just because you are not a planner doesn’t mean that you can get away without planning. This is where we find valuable resources in people around us. I am lucky enough to have the best planner in the whole world, as my Mom. She is always thinking 20 steps ahead and because she is wired that way she helps prompt me to think about the next couple of steps before I make big decisions. Like when I decided to go on the World Race her first question was, “what are you going to do with your car?” My response, “really great question Mom, I have not even thought about it.” So with that simple question she made my wheels start turning and now I’m thinking about what I will do with my car, my furniture, and all the items I have collected over the years for when I come back. So incredibly thankful that the Lord knew I would need her as my Mom. But for things like writing blog posts I think I am just going to have to stick with my gut nature and write them on the fly. Sorry Mom I tried 
Something I have been thinking about a lot lately has been how do I invest in people well while starting to plan for the World Race. Another fun fact about me is that I have not been a great multitasker in my past. I’ve gotten better but I am no master, that’s for sure. I like to focus on one thing at a time and do that thing to the best of my ability, then once it is completed move on to the next thing. So trying to tackle two things like plan for the future and live intentionally now with my community has been a challenge. Especially because I don’t just want to do them, I want to do them well. This balance is something that I am continually having to lean in to the Lord for; to figure out when to “plan” and when to invest.
I was leaning into the Lord with this tension at a worship night through my church, and a friend who was helping lead worship that night stopped me from leaving and gave me this verse, “I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15 As soon as I read it tears began flowing from my eyes. I needed to hear and be reminded that I will never be alone, even as I go and embark on this adventure where I know no one. I will never be alone. The Lord will always go before me and there is not a single place He has not seen or been. He will be in the trenches with me and He has promised me that He will bring me back. There has been a part of me that has been afraid that the Lord will ask me to stay somewhere uncomfortable for an extended period of time. That I will not get to come back to this place and be with these people that I love. People He has given me for this season to walk with and learn from, people He has allowed me to do life with. And you know what, He might ask me to stay somewhere uncomfortable for a period of time, but the promise I am holding onto is that he will also bring me back. Wow so much tension released in just that one promise. He will bring me back. He will not leave me. He has so much more for me.
So going forward I can now live in the peace of knowing He has got this. He is in control and I don’t have to know all the answers or have a great master plan. He will orchestrate the Master’s plan, His plan, and I will be able to live the way he wired me, spontaneously and slightly unplanned. The more I have leaned into the way I am wired, the more I have seen how when I try to be in control things fall apart. The tighter I hold onto things the more things slip through the cracks. One of my best friends talks often of how she has felt the Lord calling her to hold things loosely. I think I am finding out that he is not just calling her to that, but He is calling all of us to that. I want to live my life with open hands to receive what He wants to give me, but also to make sure that I am allowing the Lord to take things away or move things around to allow His plan to come to fruition. After all, Thy will be done, Lord. Thy will be done. So I am asking you to hold me accountable to living in the posture of open handedness. When you see my hand starting to close, remind me of the promises the Lord has given me. He will not leave me, He will bring me back, and He has more for me.
