Hello again world,
Did my title make you start singing the classic veggie tales song? Cause I sure hope so! Anyways, I thought I’d write a post on the process towards the world race.. cause reality is definitely hitting me y’all! I want to be open and honest throughout all of this.
SO reality is.. These few weeks have been very stressful for me. I don’t know what I’m doing. Honestly, this blog post will probably be a good representation of where I’m at. All over the place. I feel very terrified. I feel in denial of the fact that God called me to this and asks me to trust. Right now, I feel like I have no trusting bone in my body. I was talking to my friend about having a ‘spiritual high.’ For 2 weeks, when God called me to this, I was on cloud 9. I was so in tune with God and I was genuinely excited. I felt His strength pushing me forward and nothing could hold me back. But then, that high goes away and the world around me starts caving in. Others opinions..your opinion hits me. The thought of you judging me and looking at my differently hits me. My thoughts telling me that I’m not good enough. The world saying to follow your dreams, but dreams are a hard fight. Man.. the months leading up will be the hardest. Have already been. And I have to choose to lean in. Every day, I make a choice.
It’s hard to not think about all the things that could go wrong instead of all the things that could go right. I am afraid that no one would want to support me financially. It’s like, why would anyone? I’m afraid that I’m not worthy of this. I was thinking the other day about how I am not a very open person with most people. I tuck my passions aside in fear, which is the opposite of what God wants. So I think that me saying I’m going on the world race..no one will get it or get me.
To go on the world race, I am giving up everything. I am giving up my time. I am leaving my friends and family. I am choosing to lay down this life of mine to follow Jesus. I am choosing uncertainty. I might even be choosing judgement and failure at times. But God wants to use my life and I know that, so here is vulnerable ole me stepping into a crazy life with Jesus.
To think that I leave in 4 months and I legit have to raise $20,000 is terrifying. Maybe if I ignore the fact that I’m going on this, fundraising won’t be as hard. Cause man, thinking about starting to fundraise is definitely a challenge. But again, I have to lean in.
What does leaning in look like? To me, it looks like getting up everyday and choosing God’s love. As far as I feel He is from me, I choose to believe otherwise. He is so near to me, cheering me on every step of the way. Leaning in looks like waking up and feeling anxious, but choosing to pray and find peace. Leaning in, especially with the world race, is the decision to step into these hard moments and trust that God will help me through. I lean in to follow my passion. I lean in to find who God is. To find His amazing love wrapped around me. I lean in to find out how God sees me. I lean in to love others and allow God to use me. I lean in to be covered by grace. All consuming grace.
God is good, friends. Still is and always will be. As hard as this is, God is leaning in even more towards me. He’s helping me through and that is oh so good.
I wrote this journal entry 3 years ago while I was in YWAM. I thought it accurately still represents how I feel. Since were on the whole vulnerability topic, why not ya know?
“I do not get to know God, then do his will; I get to know him BY doing his will.”
Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.
Instead of telling people who you are, let them figure out and see for themselves.
