Sensitivity, it’s a funny thing.
Having been deemed a ‘sensitive person’ at a young age, I always wrote sensitivity off as a negative aspect of my psychologically driven personality.
I psycho-analyze everything (and being a psychology student doesn’t help this).
Some friends credit me for ‘knowing them better than anyone else’ and some become annoyed by “are you alright?” and “if you need anything let me know.”
A few months ago, I was exposed to, and started to research, something called the Enneagram. This is a personality test system that analyzes your motivations, processing skills, etc., and deems you a specific personality type. It’s pretty typical in its testing; however, its results are very different.
I spent a lot of time listening to podcasts, reading articles, and understanding other people’s experience with the test.
I am a “2”.
The 2 is classified for being a helper.
“Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.”
“but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed.”
If I am honest with you, and with myself, this so easily becomes my motivation behind helping others.
My spirit desires to help, care for, nurture, and love; my flesh tells me to do these things in order for my needs to be met.
Now – I am not the type to base everything I think and say and do off a personality test, so I ran the results of this test and the information it gave through the filter of the Holy Spirit and God’s truth in His word.
I prayed through these things and began to explore the ways in which I served only for someone else to affirm me and express how badly they need me.
Hearing “I can’t do this without you” was like a drug.
The ironic aspect of this truth is that I am the LAST to express this – check out my recent blog for a little more insight on my so-often prideful heart.
Through weeks of praying through this aspect of my personality and finding ways it was manifesting itself in my personal relationships, I realized that there are some ugly truths here.
1. At my worst, I serve others with the expectation to have my needs met (more often than not, unexpressed needs).
2. At my worst, I feel bitterness and resentment when my needs are not met in return.
3. Without the grace and mercy of the Lord, I cannot move past this sin and be transparent with the person on the other side of it.
I prayed (and begged) that the Lord would break this habit. I journaled for weeks about Jesus changing my heart in serving, and that I would find examples in His word of how He served, and that I could mirror Him.
I asked that the Lord would shift my perspective, and that He would humble me.
(Be careful what you pray for).
John is the book I have been studying for the past month or so, and John 13 specifically showed me Jesus in his servanthood, and how I can mold myself to be more like him.
“1 Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 2 During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, 3 Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4 rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. 5 Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him.”
Why did Jesus serve?
1. Because He knew He was going to be with God, the Father – “when Jesus knew that his hour has come to depart out of the world to the Father…”
Jesus was resting, the eve of his Crucifixion, and knowing the events to come, He chose to serve. Puts my pity party into perspective, eh?
In the very literal aspect of this text, instead of focusing on the ominous fact that Jesus was going to die, He focused on the joy of being with His Father and used every second He had left to serve.
2. Because He loved the people He was serving – “having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.”
This translation says, “to the end”, but it is notable that the Greek translation can also be translated as “completely,” “to the outcome,” and “the fulfillment.”
Jesus not only loved them to His last second, He loved them wholly and completely, and served from the depth of that love.
3. Because His love casts out all fear in the presence of evil – “when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him…”
It’s important to understand the context here… The enemy had convinced Judas that it was the right choice to betray Jesus. This was going to lead to the death of Jesus.
Knowing this, Jesus STILL chose to serve. Knowing His love wipes away every tear to come, He chose to serve and extend that love to the very man who would betray Him.
I think about the anger and resentment I feel when I am merely in the same room as someone who has hurt me…It’s hard to be kind to them, much less wash their feet.
4. Because He knew who He was, who He came from, and to whom He was destined – “knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God…”
There is so much power in this. Everything Jesus said and did was filtered through the steadfast knowledge that He came from and was destined to a loving, gracious Father that never fails.
Filtering the fear and negativity of this situation through this fact, He chose to serve.
I comprehend things on a metaphorical level when I don’t fully grasp the literal action. This is the way I understand washing feet.
Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, I believe, to point them to a couple truths.
1. He was going to the cross, where His blood would wash them clean, from sin, darkness, and brokenness. Forever.
2. He was commissioning them to serve and cleanse others with His (free and steadfast) love, mercy and grace.
3. In confessing to the Lord and being cleansed by His blood, we experience fellowship with Him (verse 8).
So, what does all of this mean?
For me, this was huge. I mean, even down to the posture in which one washes another’s feet. On your knees, lowering yourself to be at their service. Humility.
This changed the way I view any act of service.
With this revelation came a lot of heart break. Not because others weren’t serving me back, but because I began to serve and love in the way the Jesus showed me.
I carry the weight of my emotions on my shoulders, and I have learned (the hard way) how to surrender this and carry the yolk of the Lord, which is easy and light.
While learning to serve others selflessly, I likewise learned how to carry their burdens.
Serving isn’t always physical. I can serve my roommate by doing chores. I can serve my professor by saying “thank you”. I can serve the kids in the YMCA by speaking to them out of love instead of anger.
But sometimes, serving is just listening.
Sometimes, it’s literally just being there.
Last weekend, I sat with Grant, and was weeping over a situation a friend of mine is facing.
Without violating their privacy and suffering, this friend is facing something no person should ever face. And if this weight is given to anyone, they definitely shouldn’t have to face it alone.
I was so thankful they chose to confide in me, and I was broken over the weight of it.
I wasn’t weeping because I didn’t want to carry it with them, I was so broken over the hurt this was causing and will continue to cause for years to come.
I looked at Grant and said (through some serious tears), “this is what I want my life to be about. I want my heart to break over and over with people whose hearts are broken. People need that. People need someone to hurt with them.”
I can’t take credit for these words. This was completely and totally the Holy Spirit speaking to me, through me.
But I realized in this moment, that I was truly carrying the burden with a friend.
I was letting my heart break, to be broken with someone else, to then experience the fullness of life and restoration through Jesus Christ.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
By carrying this burden with this hurting friend, by letting my heart break, I was able to fulfill what Jesus called me to do.
Grant affirmed me with, “that’s radical love.”
Immediately I stopped and thought about something random and seemingly insignificant in this moment.
About a month ago, I reached out to Fund the Nations, a company that designs t-shirts to sell and help support missionaries, adoption parents, etc.
I went through a lengthy process to find a shirt that I loved, and created a quote that sounded cute, and I thought would sell.
Ironically, or not so ironically (thanks Jesus), the quote I chose was, “Walk humbly. Love radically. Surrender willingly.”
Needless to say, this t-shirt means so much more to me than I originally planned.
This is my next fundraiser, and I would love if you’d sport this shirt with me. I will wear it with pride, knowing the intentionality behind Jesus’s timing.
If you would like one of these shirts and want to walk alongside me as I learn to love deeper and more radically each day, send me an e-mail at [email protected] or comment below.
I will need your size, your method of payment, and if you want to pick it up from me or have me ship it.
They will be on sale for the next month or so. They are $22, (25 if I am shipping it) and I will receive about half of this towards my trip! If you choose to donate more than 22, the extra funds will go directly to the World Race.
Thank you for supporting and loving me, and for taking the time to read.
All my love,
Hannah
