If you’ll let me, I have one more story from my time as a counselor.
I often think about one night where I was doing one on one porch talks with my high school campers when one girl comes out and we have a really good conversation on identity. I could sense that she was really frustrated with her situation and I had no more words to say or advice to give so I just said, “let’s talk to God about it.”
We both bow our heads, close our eyes, and she recites this eloquent and beautiful prayer. I was very impressed and found myself raising my eyebrows at some points. After she said amen and we both looked at each other again, I could tell that nothing had changed. Praying hadn’t worked.
So I said, “that was beautiful, but God wants you to let him know what’s really going on. It’s okay to be real with Him, in fact, He so wants you to be completely honest with Him about how you’re feeling.”
We both close our eyes and bow our heads, and that’s when she lets out all of her frustration. She talks to God like she was talking to me just five minutes earlier, being completely honest and vulnerable about how she’s feeling. Halfway through she begins to cry, but it was the good kind of cry where you’re so relieved. We both look at each other afterwards and she is smiling through her tears. I begin to well up so I just give her a massive hug. Jesus showed up that night and was so present because this girl was vulnerable and honest with Him.
On June 4th I was driving to Gainesville, GA for training camp. On the drive there I thought to myself, I wonder what side of myself I’ll be for these people. Because there’s always a part of yourself that you should hide in order to maintain image and not be cast out from a group, right?
I was one of the last people to show up to my campsite at training camp. I walked into a crowd of around 28 other people who immediately ran up and gave me lots hugs. Everyone has huge smiles on and is so eager to introduce themselves and help set up camp.
I’m the kind of person where whenever I’m part of a group, I analyze and figure out what is needed. Does the group need an extravert? Got it. A leader? I can totally do that. An introvert? Easy peasy. I can easily be a chameleon and adapt to fulfill a need. But walking into this group I realized that nothing was missing. Every role was filled.
I remember being asked in the first couple of days what I was struggling with most while here – and that’s when I realized that I couldn’t pull my normal act of adapting and filling. My squadmates, leaders, and God himself was asking me to simply be myself. The only problem is, I had gotten so used to being a chameleon that I have no idea who I am.
Something I have deeply struggled with over the past year is identifying how I’m feeling. For so long I have chosen to simply not feel, because that’s easier than going through the high highs and low lows. It’s easier to follow how the crowd is responding to something than it is to identify how I feel and then respond accordingly.
So I sat. And I recited a prayer. And I felt nothing. Praying didn’t work.
Then we were assigned into teams, the people we will be living and working with for at least the first few months. And I panicked because it wasn’t the picture I had in my head when going into training camp.
Then I sat with my team. And the six of us talked. We laughed. And then someone asked the question, what are you bringing to the table? What burdens are you carrying?
That’s when one after another, everyone opened up about some of the darkest, most hidden parts of ourselves. They talked about the hurt they’ve experienced and what they’re struggling with. And that’s when I finally opened up about things I had been holding on to and keeping secret for a very long time. And the Lord redeemed it. That night there was so much truth spoken to me through the love expressed by my team, it was unbelievable. But that wasn’t the last time being honest and vulnerable was worth it.
There were several more times that we were asked to open up during the course of training camp. And each time I was honest with myself and those around me, I could feel my heart opening up to God a little more. You see, when I close myself off to others, I close myself off to the ways the Holy Spirit might be pursuing me through others. Each time I deny being vulnerable with the people around me, the higher the wall around my heart builds and the harder it becomes for Jesus to reach it.
It’s very clear in the Bible that we are meant for community – this became so evident throughout the week. And through the World Race that the Lord provided me with a community that will choose to love me every day, despite my mistakes and hurts.
As a community, we all went through so much together. We survived a million daddy long-legs, several days without a shower, 1500 burpees (seriously), late nights and early mornings, and our daily pursuit of Jesus.
I am still figuring out who I am – it’s a process I am working on every day. But, aren’t we all? I’m slowly trying to shed my chameleon skin and grow into who Jesus is creating me to be. Including, being more vulnerable and honest with others and in my prayers.
Training camp was so good in so many ways. I learned the beauty of vulnerability, how Jesus wants me to be open, and that I am so blessed with my squad. Jesus, thank you!
Hey you! Thank you SO much for reading this blog! Would you consider joining me on this mission around the world? There are two main ways I am asking for help (lol) with this:
1. PRAYER. I firmly believe that prayer is the most powerful way to make change happen. Will you pray for my team and I as Jesus continues to prepare us for the World Race? That He will provide the funding? And that the Holy Spirit will begin working in those we will encounter while on the Race?
2. FUNDING. This one is 100% up to you. In order to go on the Race, I need to fundraise about $18,100 which is a pretty lofty goal. So any help counts, whether it’s $5 or $500!
It’s biblical that you take care of yourself so if you don’t feel comfortable giving, that is totally fine! I would love for you to still follow along on this journey by some of the methods listed below!
– Subscribe to this blog!
– Follow along on the Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/hannahsrace/
– Instagram: hannahnn_
