Ok. I’ve got something to say. I’ve got something brewing so deep inside me that it needs to come out. Something that I’ve been walking in for about 2 months now.
For the past two months I have been operating out of a place of fake love. Yes. I’ve been fake. It looks like I’m loving people on the outside and my actions may seem like it’s out of love, but on the inside I’m screaming. For the last 2 months I have been pretending like I love people because as a “Christian” or “believer” or “follower of Christ” or whatever you want to call me, I feel obligated to love people even when I don’t actually feel it. Trust me, I have felt pure and true love for people before. Actually for the last 8 months I have been operating in that kind of love. It’s like you could do anything to me, you could punch me in the face if you wanted to, and I would actually still love you, if not more, than before you punched me.
IT’S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING.
But guess what, these last 2 months have been extremely hard for me. That kind of love just didn’t come naturally, so I pretended like it was there. As I continued to pretend, my annoyance and frustration and negativity kept getting worse and worse. As I was pretending to love people by putting on a smile and making coffee for them and trying to start meaningful conversations, my annoyance and frustration started to become rooted deep inside of me and I felt like I was depressed to be honest with you.
I thought I didn’t know how to love anymore. I was refusing to love people how I knew they should be loved because at this point, I was just too annoyed and frustrated to care. I was so incredibly frustrated because I know my Father very well, and I know what it’s like to love people. It’s like the number one thing you know how to do well when you are in relationship with Jesus. So then I questioned my relationship with Jesus. I said to myself, ok God, if I can’t love because my gut just wants to scream, then can you please put love back into my heart so it becomes easy again? It’s just not that easy though, I knew what to do I just refused to do it. So then I thought I must not have a good relationship with him if I can’t even love my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Actually, that’s the most false thing I’ve ever heard.
This is the character of Hannah Greene:
-Hannah Greene loves to love people.
-Hannah Greene loves to be joyful.
-Hannah Greene cares about the well-being of her brothers and sisters.
-Hannah Greene has a BEAUTIFUL relationship with her Father that is her own.
-Hannah Greene is not a negative person.
-Hannah Greene does not get annoyed and frustrated at people because of their actions.
-Hannah Greene does not make assumptions about other people.
-Hannah Greene does not talk about her brothers and sisters behind their backs.
-Hannah Greene is so in love with her Father.
Hannah Greene was acting out of character because Hannah was hit with a hard circumstance. Instead of finding joy in my Papa, I found misery in my circumstance. Instead of finding jesus in my circumstance, I found negativity.
BUT I’M SAYING A BIG BLEEP YOU TO ALLOWING MY CIRCUMSTANCE TO DICTATE MY LOVE FOR GOD’S KINGDOM.
Life can be hard, and love can be hard. This is why we need to press in and feel so overwhelmed by God’s love for us. If we are not operating out of a place of love, STOP FAKING IT AND GO FIND OUT WHY YOU ARE NOT LOVING PEOPLE OUT OF THE DEEPEST PART OF YOUR HEART! Pretending to love someone is only going to hurt you and the other person in the long run.
I want to say something. It’s very important. It is okay to feel like you can’t love other people well. Heck, you know what, it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to not feel free. It’s okay to feel doubt. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to feel frustrated. But when these things take over your mind and you forget who the truth is, that’s when it becomes a hazard. When you are running from the Father instead of running TO the Father that is where we head down the wrong path.
RELIGION: “I messed up my dad is going to kill me.”
GOSPEL: “I messed up I need to call my dad.”
We need to run to the Father with our questions instead of thinking he’s going to shun you if you have questions and doubt.
We are all seeking truth. Asking questions and feeling the feels and questioning why you are feeling the feels is perfectly fine as long as you still remember the character of who he says he is. You can question why you feel like God hasn’t given you freedom even though he says you should be free. But he says that you are free. That’s the truth. So ask why you don’t feel it, but still know that he is a good good dad.
My friend Farrah once said, don’t let what you don’t understand about God effect what you do know about him. Re-read this 20x over.
I love jesus. Im a Christian. I’m a believer. But I was faking love. And that’s okay because now I know what it’s like to overcome that feeling of being fake and make sure that if I’m going to love someone, that it’s so pure and so real and so true and it’s because I’m so obsessed and in love with my Father. He loves me. And I need to know that before I go and love other people. From now on if I don’t feel like I’m loving you out of a place of pure love, I’m going to tell you. That’s what community is for. It’s for praying for each other and helping each other and lifting each other up. Even if it takes me 20 years of finding out how much the father loves me in order to love others, so be it. But I’m not going to operate out of pretending and being fake anymore.
My name is Hannah Greene, and I’m learning to love with the deepest parts of my spirit and soul. And that’s not fake at all.
