I’ve made it to month 3 in Malaysia and I know I need to be vulnerable about a lot of things that happened month 2 in Thailand.
I have felt what it feels like to be on fire for the Lord. I have felt the adrenaline and the passion and the holy spirit. It is a feeling that I never want to let go of. I had this feeling in the Philippines and I was on a spiritual high. When I got to Thailand I immediately started putting up walls. Inside I was totally and completely numb, but on the outside you wouldn’t be able to tell. I put a mask on in front of my teammates and my squadmates and the people around me.
During this month I felt like God was so distant, so I started to create more distance because I didn’t think He cared. I neglected reading my bible and I neglected talking to God because I felt so empty and unloved. I began to wonder why I always had to fight for God, but He never seems to fight for me when I need Him the most. In situations like these, why isn’t He fighting for me to run back to Him, why is He letting me feel this way? If He loves me so much, why isn’t He fighting for our relationship?
This is when I became very stubborn. If God wasn’t going to chase after me, what’s the point of chasing after Him then? If this relationship between God and I is always going to be me putting in all the effort, why am I in this relationship?
During our debrief (5 days of debriefing our lives as missionaries and resting with God) in Thailand our squad had a vulnerability night. During this night every single person on our squad talked about what they were struggling with because when we bring our struggles into light, we can’t sit with them in the darkness anymore. I soon realized that I was sitting in the dark because I knew if I stepped into the light that I would have to face the reality of my feelings.
I finally told my team how I was feeling and not to my surprise they loved me anyways and held me accountable. This was something that was so difficult for me because I am a team leader and I thought leaders always have to have it all together, but it is the exact opposite. Being upfront and open with vulnerability is an important leadership trait. Being able to admit and share times of weakness, even in a public setting, is a way for leaders to earn trust from those they lead. Not hiding from imperfection lets others know that you as a leader are self-aware and are able to bring those feelings to light.
God was with me the whole time, whether I felt Him or not. Sometimes, God just wants to know how willing we are to fight for His love. Because even though I felt like He wasn’t fighting for me, He already fought for me so hard when Jesus died on the cross for me. He fought so hard for me to be free of sin and blameless in His eyes. Why was I being stubborn when all He does is fight for me? All He asks me to do is run to Him. I have one job, and that is to seek Him and love Him and be loved by Him.
I opened my bible in Malaysia. For the first time in a month. And I felt immediate love by the Father. IMMEDIATE. Because all I did, was simply look up and seek Him. Love takes effort. Love is a choice. And even though I hated every moment of being numb, I wouldn’t give it up for a second because God taught me to fight for Him. He taught me that stubborness will only cause pain. He taught me to get up, stop sulking, and run after Him when I feel like doing it the least, because those are the times when I will see growth with Him. I love when God is stern with me, because then I believe that He knows I am mature.
Update: I am about $4000 away from my final deadline due January 30th! If I do not reach my goal, it could be the end of my race! If you would like to partner with me, please send me a message:) Thank you guys so much for your support.
