Ever since I was little I have been know to have quite a problem with controlling my anger, especially with the people I care about the most….
During training camp for the race, it was the first night of worship and I couldn’t stop thinking about the relationships I have at home and how I would have to leave them all for so long. Our worship leader told us to speak to God out loud about our anxieties. I told him that I was afraid to lose the ones in my life that still care about me because of how different I may be once the race is completed. The worship leader then began to sing softly under his breath “love has no fear”. I then instantly felt the holy spirt over me and knew that it was going to be ok.
The next night during worship I asked the Lord what do I need to give up in order to be fully committed to you? The night then went on and NOTHING, I didn’t hear the Lord speaking to me in anyway.
The next night we had a speaker come, and at the end of her message she shared a very personal story about how after a long day when she came home and her boys would do something wrong, she would get so angry with them and didn’t quite understand how to control her anger. After the lesson, with my brain telling me YES and every bone in my body telling me NO, I walked over to her with tears rolling down my face and asked “how do you deal with your anger? How did you get rid of it?” She answered me with “I didn’t, God did!” I began to cry even more and told her “I don’t want to be angry anymore!” She hugged me and said “Go talk to God! And ask yourself these questions, what is the root of my anger? And what is my first step to freedom from it”? I then left and continued to pray and ask the Lord these questions and again I heard NOTHING! I began to think maybe he is ignoring me because I’m asking too many questions. Which seems silly but I seriously felt in the dark.
The next day we had Deon come and speak to us and the first thing he said when he walked on stage was, “Tonight we are going to talk about forgiveness”. I instantly said to myself “oh crap, I know what you’re doing now Lord.” He began to talk about how forgiveness means having a “yes” in your spirt, and how we should forgive because He forgave us.
Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
Forgiveness will not change the past, but it will change your future… He then asked who do you need to forgive? I began to tear up as the list began to grow and I felt more pain in knowing that I also needed to ask for forgiveness for the wrongs I have done towards others. The worship team then came up and Deon said if you need to forgive anyone I want you to come to the front and a leader will pray for you. I instantly stood up walking to the front; the tears were non stop and my body was shaking uncontrollably. I walked up to Evan (the worship leader) and he asked who I needed prayer for? I told him “everyone” I felt my list was so big because my heart was so hard. He prayed that I would have the strength to forgive and then I went back to my seat and sat down, still hurt , still crying, still shaking. He then started to sing a little more and I was confused why God was bringing this all up at once. Evan then walked over to my seat, sat down, and said, “The Lord told me, were not finished here…” I then began to tell him how I feel I can’t forgive unless I am forgiven for the pain I have caused others. I told him about how I view love and how all my life when I looked at love it was what you would call an “abusive love” where people would use me to make themselves happy and once they were happy they would leave me dry and alone. I thought that when you love someone it’s ok to be angry at them and bring them down to hurt them because that is what I thought “love” was. Evan then told me “love is not painful, love is a gift from God and it is perfect. The Lord will give you the love you need, his perfect love. Also, you do not need forgiveness in order to forgive. You can forgive them and then ask for their forgiveness, If they don’t forgive you that is ok as long as your heart is free from the pain you had from not forgiving them.” I then felt a sudden ease knowing it could be done, and the Lord told me to go make a phone call to everyone on that list of mine. Some picked up, and some didn’t and that was ok! God was asking me to do the hardest thing and the next thing I know, I am having the most difficult conversations with the ones I love, but the Lord gave me the truth to speak and it was good!
The next day I began to reflect on what God was doing in my life and then we listened to Marie talk about “The Masks” we wear to protect ourselves. The Lord used this to show me that “Anger was MY Mask…” and how I would put this mask on to protect myself from getting hurt. Like if I wore this mask and others would hurt me I would then react so they wouldn’t know when I was in pain.
I realized that the Lord was answering my prays and questions all this time but with patience. When I asked “what do I need to give up in order to be fully committed to you?” His answer was, “my mask of protection.” When I asked “‘what is the root of my anger? And what is my first step to freedom from it?”’ I learned the root was feeling that love was shown through abuse and the feeling of being used but also forgotten. But my first step to freedom was to forgive the ones who have hurt me and ask for their forgiveness for what I have done to them.
The Lord is so good, in everything he does! He answered my prayers and tought me how to “deal” with my anger. So I no longer have to hide behind my mask. I can be free! No my anger is not ALL gone but the Lord told me, “I will help you.”
So just like Karen said when I asked her how she got rid of her anger…
“I DIDN’T, GOD DID!”
Ephesians 4:26 “‘In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
