Letting things go when they weren’t yours in the first place is hard. I decided to fast with part of team for a week. No food for one week. Boy did I have no idea what I was getting myself into. Just not for the reasons you’re probably thinking. When I told God I was going to fast for a week to hear him better, he challenged me to fast my words for that week as well.
I struggled. Why my words? Do you know what kind of person I am? I have self-control when it comes to eating but being challenged on my words was something I didn’t want to commit to.
I told my team a day or two before we started our week long fast. They all were surprised but encouraged me that it would be great.
Day one of fasting I woke up to a message from someone really close to me back home. Telling me that our relationship would be different when I got home. They werent going to be able to support me in the ways they had in the past. That they couldn’t be what I needed right now.
In silence I found myself in both hurt and rage. Trying to bargan with God. “Change their mind”, I would yell in my head. Papa you can do all things, you can do this. Then in the silence of the morning still not broken by the sound of moving people.
I heard him answer me. Read the words you wrote me. Know what it is that I am doing for you. So I opened my journal, flipped through the last few days pages, there it was. At the end of April I had written down that I wasn’t going to hold onto my relationships back home like they were mine to keep. I layed them down. I wrote how I am a broken person and me hold onto other broken people gets in the way of God doing what he needs to. I had spent so much time pouring all I had to offer into these people I love so much, that it never even occurred to me that they might need something I can’t give them. I was a distraction from what God wanted.
I cried. I cried and felt empty. Not feeling good enough to be loved.
Our team had a team meeting that morning and most of me wanted to ignore everything that had happened. I can’t talk for a week right? No one would know what had happened. As soon as my mind thought it I knew I was wrong to think it.
Old Hannah would have hidden it, pretended everything was fine. Never even considered it as being painful or something that effected me. Pretended like it never even happened.
God was giving me a chance to change. “Let other people see what hurts you”. Let them help you. Or close it off and harden your heart one more time.
After I made my choice I was met with love and encouragement from my team. It made me feel seen and wanted. When I felt like I shouldn’t have anything i was given everything. Not only by them but by my friends and family back home.
It got easier day by day. Not talking. Not eating. Not focusing on the bad things. I spent most of one day just praying for that relationship that had so suddenly shifted. I prayed for their heart and what they were going through. I wouldn’t have wanted to go through this alone and I definitely don’t want them to either.
After about 4 days of not talking or eating some people started asking the all to common question, what has God been showing You?
At first I really didn’t have an answer. I was just thinking of food most of the time as I’m sure you can imagine XD, but God does some pretty funny things when you’re not looking.
While not talking I was more of a presence to my team, if anyone had a question or wanted my opinion they would have to focus solely on me. I would either sign it out, act it out or type it out. Then suddenly the light came on.
That’s exactly how the holy spirit moves in our lives. Just as I am a silent presence with my team, the holy spirit is a silent presence with everyone. He communicates in weird direct ways that if you’re not focused on him or on trying to understanding him you lose the meaning or in a lot of cases think he’s not saying anything at all.
His communication with us is unconventional and strange to us. It takes us away from the rules we think this world plays by and shifts to something else. I saw so much real raw truth in this when it first hit me. He’s always there. Always listening. He could be talking for hours but in silence with no ears to hear. No eyes to understand. If you’re to busy with your head turned and mouth moving, you’ll miss it. You’ll miss so much.
Yeah he’s not limited by silence, he could shout at you, he’s done it before. That doesn’t mean you’ll know it was him even if you do hear it.
How well do you know his presence when he’s trying to get your attention? Just think about how uncomfortable you feel with a strangers presence around you. What things do you always use to turn your head away and distract yourself from the uncomfortable feelings?
I was using past relationships as a way of feeling like I was doing good things for people. It wasn’t something I was told to do. Or even doing in a healthy way. They were my distractions. My way of feeling good, maybe I was doing good but by whos definition?
On the 6 th day of fasting I was doing God time and I felt my stomach growl. Ok it’s been 6 days how the heck are you growling right now?! I heard him start talking to me. If you’re hungry, eat. If you have words to speak, speak. I have given you freedom. Use it.
I’m over here thinking “wait what?”
I have another day left. That’s my goal. I need to finish. “Why do you need to finish?” ,”Are you trying to prove something?” Me: no i just set out to do 7 days and my team did to, I need to finish. Him: ” did you start this fast because of them or me?”
I spoke and ate on day 6. Not day 7.
God used my entire week that week showing me so many faults in my thinking and desires.
I have never felt so encouraged and loved by him than ever before.
He loves me and he has so much for me to do and become. The same can and is said for every single one of you.
