Anyone who knows me back home would tell you (probably) that I am a loud, outgoing person.
Since leaving America I have become someone born again in a way. Anyone meeting me now would never have guessed me to be an extrovert. This is one of the first things I never expected to happen to me. I have always been first to speak and always having something to say.
The me now is someone I don’t recognize and I have been struggling to understand why. I mean I wanted to grow God but I wanted to stay being me while doing it. I am only just now understanding what change is going to look like for me during these 11 months. God has started at my very beginning. My childhood, he’s showing me the pieces of me that were unwanted and undesirable then that I shoved away deep down inside. He’s bring me these pieces bit by bit and walking with me as I try to understand myself at the age of 21.
To better explain the current change of personality to those of you who know me back home, I am a turtle. I turned into a turtle. That’s the best way to describe it, I walk slow, I don’t gravitate to people as much as I use to, and I don’t feel the need to speak near as much as I use to. Let me just tell you that this change made me angry. I wanted to be me! Why have I become the very opposite of who I was? God I don’t understand what good could come of this. I feel like Im lying about who I am.
This is where I’ve spent that last 2 months. Each time I would make progress to become more of the me I use to know, I would run right into a wall of pride, anger, or not being willing to be Vulnerable. Constantly being slapped in the face with these emotions I had no idea were inside of me.
I had a good conversation with one of the guys on my squad about changes that were happening within him and me during our time away. He gave me such good in sight I would have never seen on my own. He’s comment was, do you think you’re becoming who God wants you to be? Are you sure the old personality is what you were meant to be?
Holy crap, no, I’m not sure that’s who he wants me to be. a couple of days after that conversation we had worship, really good worship. I asked God during that time to show me who he wanted me to be. What does the God envisioned Hannah look like? Again God used a squad mate to speak to me. While we are worshipping a girl named maddie came over to me, she had a piece of paper. She handed it to me and said that it was from God. It had the word “known” on it. I broke down. He was here, he was listening to my crys for understanding. After worship one of my teammates also gave me a letter she had written for me. The message was loud and clear. This is where he wanted me to be. He wanted me to sit in my emotions of anger and pride.
I have gained so much in just the last few days. I finally understand what God is doing inside of me.
I put so much of myself away when I was little, he is bring those things to me now to work through and grow with. I may have spent years of my life working through the physical things that happened to me but not the emotional or mental. He is reminding me that not just part of me is wanted. Every part of my personality is loved and should be seen. I am learning how to be heard and seen, not because I am the loudest or the first to be heard but because I am loved and respected.
I pray that once I have grown through this stage of myself that I will be able to balance both pieces of myself. Bring them together to thrive in peace. in the end having more control and understanding of my true inner self.
thank you so much for reading this and supporting me from a far. You all mean the world to me 🙂
