I turned off my internet. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was miserable. There was so much distraction. Good things like talking with friends and family, sharing in stories and pictures on social media, enjoying movies or tv shows on Netflix, etc. These “good things” though were all that I was turning to, all that I was filling my free time with. My thought life too, was constantly drifting toward the future – the next country, what being home would be like, possible jobs, trips with friends, etc. My time with God was rushed, time that I could have and should have spent with Him was instead spent watching Netflix. The time I did spend with Him was neither as deep nor intentional as it has been in the past months. I was practically ghosting my best Friend.
The previous three months, I was constantly pushed to rely on God. He was showing me new things all the time – areas that He grew me in, beautiful things He revealed about His character, etc. This month, however, was much more like home. I haven’t been constantly thrown out of my comfort zone. I haven’t been sharing Jesus with people other than in my actions. I haven’t been speaking in another language (because let’s face it, I know two words in Vietnamese). I have had wifi 90% of the places I’ve been. I’ve had a great deal of down time. I also hit a wall. Full speed straight into exhaustion.
They say the Race is a mountain, with the summit as a halfway point—the months leading up to it as the most tiring, steepest part of that climb. This is true. I got to this point of exhaustion, trudging my way through the month, desperate for debrief (our time of rest, restoration, and reflection as a squad). In this exhaustion, I stopped putting effort into my relationship with God. It wasn’t a dramatic shift, it was a slow fade. Other things were just more important. I was tired, so watching Netflix was easier than digging into the Bible. If I wanted to fill up by talking to someone, I could message people or scroll Instagram to see what friends had been up to during their days with little effort. I became less and less happy.
I would try to distract myself from this unhappiness, but only with temporary success. Teaching the kids (our ministry this month is teaching pre-k through middle schoolers English) became harder and lacked the joy of previous days. I thought it was just the wall, just that point in the Race. I would still read the Bible, technically still having a quiet time. Really though, it was just going through the motions.
Going through the motions. Why is that so easy? If you are a follower of God and have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus, you have access to the BEST that there is. You have access to a rich life, better than anything you have ever experienced without Him. You have Someone who loves you more than life, no matter how many times you mess up. I don’t even know how to adequately describe it. Life just sucks without Him, absolutely sucks.
Life with Him, however, is a bit like this. Seeing that rose graced with water droplets from a summer rain and knowing it was placed there for your enjoyment by the one who knows and loves your soul. Standing under a universe of stars, realizing how small you are, yet knowing you belong, knowing that you have the ear and the unending love of the One who made it all. Having Someone to turn to, not just in the good, but also in the bad who knows exactly how you feel and exactly what you need. Being drawn into the places that touch your soul and shown incredible treasures. Sitting in the depths, silently screaming what you can’t put into words, but knowing that He is there somewhere, somehow making things right. Standing on the roof of an apartment building, yelling out worship songs in a cry of praise and desperation for Him to meet you there and guide you.
He taught me to abide this month. Showed me that my misery was because I was becoming a withered branch instead of full of joy and bearing fruit (John 15). I was not abiding – living with, existing, sitting with God constantly. He is worth the time. Sit with Him. Read the Bible. Talk with Him. Worship Him, constantly.
He is the best thing there is. There is no other.
