Hi. There is so much I could say for the past month. I feel at a loss of words to try and come up with exactly what I should share. I suppose I’ll just type away what I’m feeling and what has been laid on my heart during the first month of this gap year experience.
Kids ministry is beautiful and exhausting. I miss conversation with adults that speak English. My limbs end up sore after I’m used as a human jungle gym. I’ve been spit on. I’ve been cried on. I’ve been laughed at. I’ve laughed with them. My body drips with sweat as I smile and continue to try and share the simple truth of the identity of Christ: love. Simple, sweet, uncomplicated love.
I cook dinner for my whole squad with my team every day with two Swazi women. I dance and try my hardest to brighten their day. They yell at me for trying to eat the food before it is ready. They love me and teach me so much about who Christ is. I cherish the kitchen, despite my past.
The days are long but feel so short. I feel rushed and am learning to prioritize having time with the Lord. I feel hungry for the Father’s voice and his presence. I want to know what he has to say and what he wants from me in this chapter and the next.
Community living is beautifully chaotic! I hate it and love it. I hate not feeling like I can have alone time. I love seeing God’s children pursue him and get to see him at work in their lives. I get frustrated. I get overjoyed. I feel left out and lonely. I feel awkward and not quite part of the group. Then on some days, I feel as if I’ve never felt such sweet friendship in such a genuine compacity. I hate comparison and insecurities. I see now that the enemy uses that to twist the way to view myself. However, I see all the good the Lord is doing even when I can’t see it.
I am learning that I’m prideful. I’m learning that I am losing my identity and finding it in him. I’m learning that change doesn’t happen overnight. I’m learning that this faith thing is an everyday choice and is a lot harder than I ever thought. Yet, I’m learning that God is so big and so loving. He loves little ole me. He designed me for this life and created me for THIS life… even when I can’t see why.
I’m scared of my future and wonder what the Lord is calling me to do. I want to be successful and live the life I’ve always dreamed about. I also want to be obedient. I want to follow him with every part of me. I want to know when I take my final breath on this earth that I can look back and know I did everything I possibly could do to bring the kingdom and the love of Jesus Christ.
I’m learning that I’m having to break down a lot of things that I was taught in the faith. I’m learning that this chapter is about me making my faith MINE. I’m learning that I’m tired of living my life through a glass screen and trying to be filled up by people and not The Lord. I’m learning that there is so we have to be thankful for in America. I was born into privilege and there are so many suffering and I don’t get why. I’m learning that I am terrified of not living a life that takes my breath away and one that I can be proud of. I’m learning that I am not promised certain things that I have put faith into instead of putting all faith into The Lord. I’m not promised tomorrow. I’m not promised to get married. I’m not promised to one day have a family of my own.
Yet, I’m promised that he loves me. Loves every part of me. Every ugly angle, complicated side, and beautiful side of me.
Western culture is hard and being back in South Africa has shown me that this world is so broken. That we all are broken people in need of a savior. I’m ready to get back to the simple life of Nsoko and the darkness that comes near 4 pm. I’m ready to slow down. I’m ready to speed up and be intentional. I’m ready to spend time with papa. I’m ready to lose myself and surrender it all… so much that I can’t help but be a little scared. I’m ready to lose myself in him and finding my true identity.
He is good. I am good. This gap year is everything and nothing that I expected it to be. I just want you all to know that I’m so grateful that I get to do this. That he chose me and that you all believed in me.
My prayer/challenge for you :
Spend time with The Lord. Talk to him. Write him a letter or a song.. or an email. Ask him to make you uncomfortable for the kingdom. Pray for a stranger in a coffee shop. Do a Facebook live and ask for prayer requests. Talk to God in a new way. I hope you’ll do one of these things!! Maybe take a pic and tag me! Or email me and tell me the story about it all.
I love you and I sure do miss my sweet nash… but man, AFRICAAAA!!!!
