derramar
I titled this blog derramar, the spanish word for pouring out, because it has defined my time in South America so far… a sort of spilling or pouring out.
I have been reflecting on how this is something God has woven into my being… to pour out my heart. To wear my heart on my sleeve, share what I learn, and express. Those who know me well are probably smiling right now. Because you all know. This is what I do, for better or for worse. Yes, this characteristic has made me sometimes fragile as a heart can easily get hurt when it is on display, however, I have seen this characteristic come out in many positive ways as well. I seem to have this innate need to share and let things out. When I shut down the voice telling me to open up it often feels unhealthy and counter to my instincts. So, looking back I think I have done this for most of my life. And looking back at my time with World Race, I think I have done this for the last 8 months. Essentially, I have poured my heart out all around the world. And I would even risk to say that Colombia, South America received a lot of my heart.
– Sharing the lesson of “pouring”
This all started last month in Myanmar. We were tasked with the job of preaching a few short messages from the Bible to the missionary college students who were attempting to advance their English by listening to church services in only English. When it was my turn to preach, I needed something relevant and simple to present to my audience who did not understand all English words. I decided on the passage from 1 Samuel, chapter 1 about a woman named Hannah. Her story is inspiring. She was a woman who suffered great pain and agony over her inability to have children, but throughout her suffering she “poured her soul out to the Lord (1 Samuel 1:15).” I concocted a message all about how God asks us to pour out our hearts to Him. It is a basic concept but powerful on its own. I used an interactive tool as well by diving into the word pour. When I think of the word pour I associate it with a beverage or liquid of some sort. So, I used a cup and some water and had a volunteer pour out the cup of water. I emphasized how no drops were left in the cup. I posed the question of, what could be left in the cup that we don’t pour out to God? Why don’t we just let that last drop out? Do we trust that the bowl is strong enough or can hold it all? It was simple and compelling. This is a message that I have become passionate about because the basic idea of sharing our hearts with God is a sort of central thought to faith. Tell God everything. It’s neither scary nor condemning. It’s not contradictory, offensive, or debatable really. It’s not so Biblically complex creating questions or doubt. It simply increases one’s conversation with God. Easy. Well…
– “Pouring out” to strangers
This past month, In Colombia, South America, we worked with La Iglesia Nueva Vida. This church was very invested in the members of their church and part of our work with them included visiting several homes of struggling church members. At these home visits, we were asked to share God’s love with them. Hm. What exactly does this mean I asked…? So when I walked into their homes, and made sure to first listen/empathize with them, hear about their struggles and observe their pain, I knew to “pour.” I tried my best to pour my heart out. I told my “testimony with God” (which honestly changes every day for me as I am re-understanding so much on this trip). I shared about things I am learning from God currently. I shared about things I have learned in the past, over the last year, throughout college, etc. Then, I told about my experience with depression with some other church members who have also experienced this. Now this type of pouring became difficult. It was very challenging to share some of this pain that I have experienced without having fully come out the other side of this storm yet. To express a sort of confidence in God’s goodness and ultimate power on a subject that is honestly so hard for me to reconcile with still was stretching. Throughout this month of “pouring out,” I had moments of knowing it was good to share my heart but I felt the tension of how fragile and sacred this stuff is to my inner relationship with God. I did what I could and shared about pain, the challenge to not rely on my own understanding and to keep choosing to believe in His truth, not relying on the “truth” of my own emotion. Honestly I think I shared things that I know are right, but that I cannot fully wrap my head around at this point. But I poured. I gave it all I had. I tried to follow the teachings that I myself had preached just the month prior. I displayed my heart.
– “Pouring out” to God
This past month in particular has been incredibly challenging. Despite it being the eighth month and a time that many of us tend to miss home the most, I also experienced a lot of sadness. From the example above, I ran into some situations that brought to the front of my mind some of the struggles I have been dealing with. I struggled this month with feeling ashamed of myself and where I am with my faith. I struggled with feeling insecure and inferior to others. I struggled with feeling fear and hopelessness about the future. This month I observed myself struggling with more depressive thoughts then before on the race. These deep experiences of sadness are not new to me, but it’s been a while. So yeah, this month was hard and I tried not to run away from the feelings as this can sometimes be much easier but not healthy to do.
Through experiencing this pain, I have had to remember that God wants to hear it all. I don’t understand a lot of things in life right now, but I know I am to pour it all out. I am to pour out my fear of the future and these hopeless thoughts. I am to pour out my feelings of insecurity, incompetency, and shame of who I am. I am to pour out my frustration that I don’t have the same rich and easy faith that I used to. All I know is to pour out. And I don’t pour this out to you all reading to get you worried or too concerned. I tell you all of this to update you on what I am learning with God recently, and to reflect on what I think is an important reminder to continue to pour out everything to God, not leaving behind any drops.
Lastly, I have chosen this word to title my blog because I have seen that this concept of pouring out our heart runs similarly with this culture in South America so far. Their emphasis on sharing emotion and living from the heart is evident. It is a generalization, yes, but I am starting to pick up on it a bit. During our cultural orientation in the beginning of the month, we were told that Colombians need to hear about the pain. They need to hear about the heart and the root of what you feel because the country as a whole has suffered through some very difficult years of drug wars, crashing economies, and violence. So perhaps this is a good place for me to be feeling this and learning this. Perhaps it is a lesson to myself that I actually taught others on last month. To feel, to express, and to pour out to God everything I’ve got. And to trust that He can hold it and carry it all.
1 Samuel 1:15
Y Ana le respondió diciendo: No, señor mío; yo soy una mujer atribulada de espíritu; no he bebido vino ni sidra, sino que he derramado mi alma delante de Jehová.
“Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord.
