Word: Tired
I chose this word because it’s simple. It describes my emotional, physical and spiritual state over the last week or so. So here we go.
First, the end of our time in Ukraine was not very restful. Our job was to meet with people from the church all week to deepen relationships and say our goodbyes. I really booked my schedule with coffee dates and walks in the park. It was really great, but didn’t allow much rest for me. (I realize that this might sound comical, but it really did ware me out!)
Second, the travel plans to get to Romania were quite stressful to figure out and extensive. After much hard work to figure out confusing train schedules in the Ukrainian language, we settled on the simplest route… going through Budapest. So on Friday August 31st, we traveled on a 4 hour train to Lviv, Ukraine and stayed the night there. The next day we boarded a 12 hour train ride to Budapest, and finally took a 13 hour overnight train on Sunday to Brasov, Romania (our end destination!). You could say that this wore us out, but we got to explore Budapest which was amazing!
Third, for the next full week, our whole squad of 26 people were all together again with our leaders who flew in from the US to Brasov, Romania. This week was called debrief. Debrief is a time where everyone comes together for a week to rest, attend devotional sessions, worship, and have various meetings with teams and leaders. There will be five debriefs in total throughout the year. However, despite the intent to rest, I did not have this experience. I did not prioritize sleep as much as I should have. It was pretty exciting to have the whole squad together again!
By Saturday, it was time for our squad to move on to our permanent ministry location for the month of September. So we took a 6 hour bus ride to Dragonesti- Olt, Romania. Wow we are here… but I am beyond tired.
So the heart behind this blog involves the spiritual definition of tired. What does this mean you ask?
Well, throughout debrief with a series of situations, I recognized that I have a lot of shame. I experience shame for many things, but this time it was feeling shame for not being a “good enough” Christian for God, not feeling like my best self and showing more insecurity than usual. I have struggled with not feeling like I am enough for my whole life. My parents have always told me that I am very hard on myself. This manifests itself in being an achiever. I often base my self confidence and self love on how much I can achieve. But deep down there is a big hole in me thinking that I am not enough. So what will it take for me to not put that pressure on myself anymore? (a squad leader asked me) And I honestly don’t know (would love any comments for how you have understood this concept). Maybe I can try to focus on combining mine and God’s identity more close together. I have a hard time understanding that all I am and all I do is from God. If it is good, it is from God because He is within us.
For the last month (and most of my life), I have just been trying so hard to be enough without the realization that God is the one even supplying any strength at all. So it is not when I can put my best foot forward that I am enough. It is not when I plan or schedule something that I can feel enough. This empty feeling does not go away very easily.
So I have recognized the problem. I do not have a solution yet. I suppose I can talk to God about this and ask for a deeper understanding. All I know is that I have been wearing myself out running so hard to be enough that I don’t even know what life would be like without running. I have been running and running and I am ready to stop and relearn why I am even running in the first place.
On the last night of worship, one particular song stuck out to me. It is called simple gospel. The following lyrics hit me hard and I think you may know why.
“Lord, I’ve been told to be ashamed.
Lord, I’ve been told I don’t measure up.
Lord, I’ve been told that Im not good enough.
But you’re here with me.”
So we will experience this pain. We will feel this exhaustion. Many of us. But perhaps the key is just to realize that in this pain and exhaustion, He is here with us. The living God. This is the simple gospel.
