You may be wondering why I titled this post nostalgic. Well, when a friend and I drove across the country after graduation in May, we did this thing where we assigned one word to the place that we visited. This word could describe the place, the people, mental state, etc. This really built in an automatic form of reflection for each place. So I have decided to continue this with my blog posts this year, starting with this one! Word: nostalgic.
So are you ready to be brought inside the mind and heart of Genna over the last month? Despite the activity in my life recently, I have had some time to think. Something that I am reflecting on is that I am a naturally reflective person… I live in the past. I am a nostalgic.
Someone once told me that a good way to recognize God in your life is to become aware of the thought patterns or the lessons that we are taught over and over again. I have a pattern in my life that I hold so tightly onto what was good in the past, that I cannot move forward onto something involving change. And I don’t mean just lightly hold on, I cling onto this with determination. So much so, that God seems to have to pry my hands off of things in order for me to finally let go of it. It is a mode of control for me. You may be thinking, ok everyone hates change. Well, all I know is that holding onto the past has been a pattern in my life for years.
Here are a few examples…
– on my 10th birthday, I cried because I didn’t want to grow up.
– when I went to college, I cried because of the life change. I was moving on towards a life of adulthood and my parents were moving onto empty nest life. I cried because of the change.
– sophomore year when friendships and Furman life was changing, I was so determined to keep things like freshman year. It turned out to bring me more pain because I was not allowing myself to experience what was new and presently around me.
– after studying abroad (for those of you who don’t know, I studied abroad in Australia Fall of 2016), I was so determined to try to live life like I was living in Australia that I wrote out a calendar and tried planning weekend trips and activities just like I had done overseas. However, this left me with so much frustration because it was just hard to live this same way when school was harder and I had so many other commitments at Furman.
So, this is my pattern of unhealthy nostalgia- trying to force life to be what it has been in the past.
In many ways, this is a good thing! It can instill traditions, reflection and an appreciation for life. But it has a negative effect of not allowing me to live and experience the beauty of today. Like all of us have to find out, there are so many things in life we just cannot control, and sometimes holding so tightly onto the way life used to be can be detrimental.
I believe that this pattern of holding onto the past is one of the main struggles that has led me into a mild depression. After returning from studying abroad, I was holding so tightly onto a previous identity and perspective of life. When I saw things begin to change after returning, I became hopeless. My efforts to keep things the same were not working.
This isn’t what I wanted or planned for, so I doubted God. And this doubt has created a change in my faith. So on top of this, I have been saddened by this change in my relationship with God (see this pattern?). I have been fighting to believe that a change in my faith could potentially be a good change, one where I learn to engage with Him in a new and refreshing way, and dig into my questions with God. But this is not natural to me. These experiences of change and unmet expectations come up in all people’s lives, and they honestly suck. A lot.
… And here is how I have seen God come into this pattern every time. He says hey, just let go and trust me that this change will be ok. As a person of faith, I believe that there is something higher. A higher power of love and goodness that is undeniable. And because of this love, I can trust that God is taking me on a journey to WALK WITH HIM in life.
That means actually walking – not scoping out the path thoroughly to see if it’s safe and then walking – not relying on the understanding of where the path is going, where it came from, why it’s there, why we’re walking, but walking – not looking directly behind me the whole time we are walking, but walking – and not just standing there confused about what direction to go, but taking the Lords hand and walking.
So currently, He is saying “take my hand and walk with me… it is time to open your mind to new. Let go of living in the past for a bit and embrace what I have for you presently.”
Basically trust – a simple message really – this could be the end to all of my blog posts, so stay tuned!
That’s all 🙂
