THAT’S IT! I’M FULLY FUNDED for my time as an alumni Team leader for this past August-November! Thank you for all of your support. This will be my last blog post on this website…I think. So, be prepared to receive my MailChimp newsletters! 😉
But I wanted to update you on what this past month or so has looked like for me now that the Race is over. I’ve known this for a while but it has been confirmed during my time back…the World Race didn’t change me.
My month home has been a battle. The night before I came home, all the freedom I had found in the 7 months before that felt like it was stripped away from my hands. I traveled home the next day and tried to shake it off. For about 9 days straight, I woke up early, I worked out, I cleaned, I saw and met with beautiful people, I read my Bible, I journaled…
But I couldn’t keep it up. Every day since then has consisted of my re-claiming my freedom from the enemy. Every day since then has been me making a choice to not take the anti-depressants that sit in my bedside drawer…no matter how much I want the pain to go away. I choose to eat because I know I need to, even though I feel like my body rejects every meal I try. I’m choosing to believe He is good when none of this feels good.
The first few weeks, I felt the Lord asking me to seek Him in the silence. I didn’t listen to music when my heart was beating desperately for answers, I didn’t watch any funny movies to ignore the pain that was sucking the life out of me. But I tried to pray through every moment of silence there was. If I was driving, my radio was off and I was praying. If I woke up in the middle of the night in fear, I prayed. That was the hardest thing to do when all I wanted was to escape into something else…anything else.
I have heard the Lord speak through so many people and have been so loved by friends near and far through this season of wilderness. But I want more. I miss my Papa’s voice. I miss His peace.
I’ve heard Him say He has more freedom for me in this. My mind can’t comprehend how when I struggle to get out of bed. When I’m struggling to even breathe. And I hear Him say He wants to pursue me, even when I can’t imagine how I could be deemed worthy enough for His pursuit.
Please see my heart in this. I’m not wanting attention or pity. On most days, I’m not okay. But I have faith. I share this because I’m declaring, BOLDLY, that these are NOT my chains. I’m speaking out against the dark with you as my brothers and sisters in the light. I share this becomes my brokenness is welcomed here. Your brokenness is welcomed here.
The World Race was an amazing opportunity and experience. I grew so much and learned so much. But I could have easily chosen not to. Just like I could easily choose not to let my heart be transformed in this season. And I won’t lie, there have been days that I chose not to fight on the Race and now. I yelled out to the Lord and lay in my pain. I forgot His goodness and I blamed Him for it.
But He can take it. And He still will not forsake me.
So, the World Race didn’t change me. I could have easily chosen to come back unchanged. This season I am in won’t change me. The next program or thing I step into won’t change me.
God has changed me because I chose to allow Him to. And it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Choosing His transformation has cost me my flesh. And it has felt like dying. But every day that I die to my flesh, there is something that is being awakened in my spirit.
I don’t know when this season of wilderness will be over and I don’t really understand the purpose or the outcome. But I choose to believe His word over my fear. He is good.
This is where my heart has been this past month but in my next newsletter, I want to tell you a little more of what I’ve been doing since being home. This season has pushed me to desperately seek community and seek people who would speak life in me. And I want to tell you about how I found all of this in the little redeemed county of Tuscarawas. 🙂
