eSwatini has been a month of redemption. It’s been a month where God has taken brokenness from my past and made me whole. It’s been a month of Him interweaving my insecurities and weaknesses to make a tapestry of beauty. It’s been a month of letting go and stepping into freedom.
Swaziland has been my dream.
For seven years I’ve wanted to come.
For seven years I’ve told my family and friends I would go someday.
For seven years I would put money in my “Swaziland Trust Fund” whenever I had a little left over so that when the time came to go, I would actually be able to get there.
And, for seven years I’ve wondered about why God had placed this country so heavily on my heart.
Well, now I know, and while it’s not what I could have ever expected, it’s more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
Let me start with why I originally thought I was going to Swaziland.
Growing up I thought I was gonna be a doctor (you know, Egyptian, my dad is a doctor, I like people – it just made sense). With that being said, and with Swaziland being the AIDS capital of the world, I figured I would go and serve the people of Swaziland medically. My first year of university very quickly showed me that human anatomy is not for me and that this would not be the case.
So, for the next while I had no idea what God had in store for me in Swazi.
Fast forward to my fourth year of university. Fourth year was weird. I loved my classes more than ever before, I loved my friends and got to hang out with them more than ever, and I had already been accepted to the World Race pretty early on and knew what I was going into the following year – including the fact that I was FINALLY going to Swaziland! In theory, life was the best it had ever been. But, with that being said, I don’t think I’ve ever been more mentally low than I was last year. There wasn’t really a reason for it per-say, I just felt like all of the joy I had had dramatically decreased, and the abundance of love I once had to give had been pulled out from under me. Serving others was no longer something I took joy in, and that felt weird.
It was like the two things I believe God has called me to be – love and joy – were no longer characteristics that identified me. It was strange, it felt like there was a chasm between who I knew myself to be and who God has called me to be, and who I actually was. It was weird, I just didn’t feel like myself most of the time.
So, with that said, fourth year was pretty tough. I felt like I’d lost a little bit of who I was, and that seemed to dictate just about every other part of my life.
Now, fast forward again to June. I don’t know what happened in June, but I feel like whatever funk I was in the Lord snapped me out of. It wasn’t that I felt more like myself, necessarily, but I didn’t feel so bad anymore, and that was a huge plus!
Finally, let’s fast forward one last time to Swaziland. Going into Swazi all I found myself able to pray was “God, just do something”. I’d been praying for this country for seven years and I didn’t even know what to pray anymore. The one other thing I prayed was “God, I want life post-Swazi to look different and better than life pre-Swazi.”
Within the first couple days, I don’t know what happened, but for the first time in over a year I felt completely like myself. I experienced more joy than I’d felt in a year. I felt more love than I had in over a year. And I I finally felt like I got to live life from overflow – I was finally overflowing with love and joy and had more than enough to give.
I was me again. I was joy and love again. I was Farrah again.
So, after all these years I finally know why I had to go to Swaziland. It was to get my joy back.
It’s crazy to think about God’s intentionality. Seven years ago, before ever feeling like my joy had lessened, the Lord was promising me redemption without my even knowing it. He was promising me my joy back, and that’s exactly what happen.
God’s so good my friends. Swazi was nothing like I would have imagined, but it was everything I needed.
