“A friend of mine wrote this today and I swear it’s a page from your journal
‘I hope you know that your bones were built for bravery and that your heart is crafted with courage. You don’t ever have to be ashamed of the weight with which you carry people and the intensity of how you love them. What a shame it would be to have been given a heart and only use it partially. Not you, that’s not the kind of love you’ve prayed to know. Use it. Use it and wring it out because there’s always going to be more where that came from. ‘Love is not a finite thing’ always remember what it has taken for you to learn that truth…'”
Last night a friend texted me this, and if you know me well, you know how intensely I love and you know that those words are the cry of my heart.
As I read, I felt the Lord telling me “love them with the time you have with them” – whomever I’m with, for whatever timespan I have them, love them well, love them with Christ’s love.
This morning as I opened up the word, I opened to John 13. I had just finished John 12 and was considering going through the earlier parts of the gospel again, but I felt God nudging me to read on.
He wrecked me within the first verse.
“Before the Passover celebration, Jesus knew that his hour had come to leave this world and return to his Father. He had loved his disciples during his ministry on earth, and now he loved them to the very end.”
Since November when I was accepted to the World Race, I’d been struggling with the reality that by the end of the race, I will have formed some of my greatest friends – my people – just to leave them and my heart in 11 countries and return to Canada by myself. Honestly, in a way I’ve been grieving my return from the World Race for over a year in advance.
In times like these I’d rather just pull back from friendships – people are easier to leave if you don’t know them so well or love them so hard. And that’s a thought I’ve been tempted to believe as my World Race squad and I begin to get closer, and as I begin to understand that going to 11 countries also means leaving 11 countries.
Maybe if I don’t share much of my life with them it’ll be easier to leave them.
Maybe if I don’t love them as much as I might want to it’ll be easier to leave them.
Maybe if I don’t give my all in ministry and choose not to be fully present it’ll be easier to leave them.
These thoughts flood my mind as I try to deal with the pain of leaving all of these people and places, whom I know I’ll love so dearly, by years-end.
But this morning as I read John 13, my Papa entirely demolished those thoughts.
I began to realize that Jesus’ whole life was a mission trip to earth, and He had to leave it too.
Can you imagine the mess of emotions He was feeling?
So much excitement to be reunited with His Papa in Heaven (probably a lot better than a dingy earth lol), but also just grieving the loss of these dear friends and this place that He called home for so many years – at least for a little while.
Jesus knew that His hour had come to leave, and yet He didn’t back off from His people in attempt to lessen the pain later. It says that still, He loved them to the very end.
Christ understands leaving more than any of us ever could, so He’ll be with me when I have to leave too.
Christ understands loving until the very end, so He’ll help me to love until the very end too.
Love. Love to the very end. No matter what is coming or what is going, love, just as I have loved. It won’t be your own love from your own strength, but it will be my love, given to you by the blood of my Son – a love that is endless.
You need not worry – I will fulfill your need to love and your need to be loved.
I love you. I’ve got you.
– Papa
