This is a little girl at our care point! Her name is Angie, she’s about 2-3 years old, and lives next door to our care point. When we first began our ministry in March we saw her every morning standing at the end of her road, but every time we waved or called out to her she would scowl, pretend to throw rocks, and yell in Siswati (she doesn’t speak any English and is too little to go to school). Her older sister, Qunono, also comes to the care point, but Angie would only ever come with Qunono when she was done with school in the afternoon, and even then Qunono would get her food for her, Angie would eat it, and then leave.
Slowly over the weeks she began spending more time at the care point playing on the playground with her sister and a few other kids she made friends with. It was really beautiful to see this tiny child who we thought was filled with anger and fear run around the yard laughing, smiling, and chasing other kids. She still didn’t like us and our Shepherd told us it was her first year at the care point and she hadn’t really experienced having white people this close to her before.
Even though she didn’t let us come within 5 feet of her, smile or wave back at us, or come up to us when we served food, we still talked to her and tried to get her to let us push her on the swings or flick our thumbs (a Swazi greeting), but she never really responded or smiled.
Qunono did become good friends with us, and so once in a while Angie would stand next to us if Qunono was in one of our laps, and a few weeks ago she started flicking our thumbs if she was in a really good mood. I had been praying for her and asking the Lord to soften her heart and let us love her the way he wants to love us. A few nights later I wasn’t sleeping well and I kept tossing and turning. At one point I fully woke up and had an image on Angie standing at Joyella on the playground, and in that moment the Lord was like, “Erika you are Angie. You don’t always let me love you,” and then I rolled over and fell back asleep immediately. I still remembered it the next morning and when I was spending time with the Lord I felt super convicted. I asked for forgiveness for all the times I’ve turned away from him in anger and my own misunderstandings. I apologized for when I’ve found temporary happiness in the people around me or my circumstances instead of investing in his permanent joy. I asked for grace for the times I refused to come to him for provision and instead sent or asked someone else, all the while knowing it was still coming from him. The Lord used this tiny, adorable, and resentful child to teach me that receiving is just as important as giving, if not even more so. Because I can give all I have, I can spend a lot of other people’s money and my own energy doing nine months of ministry overseas, but if who I’m ministering to isn’t open to receiving, there’s nothing I can do besides pray and intercede that the Lord uses what I gave in ways I’ll never be able to see or understand.
But this time he did let me see, because last Friday Angie finally let me hold her! She sat on my lap for a little bit, played with my hair, let me take her picture, laughed when I tickled her, sang the only English song our kids know (the line “na, na, na, na, na, na” from the Sunday school song that goes, “every move I make, I make in you…”), and fell asleep in my arms. It was one of the best ministry days on the Race for me because the Lord answered my prayer and I got to see a small piece of the harvest.
Angie is far from accepting true love, but then again I think most of our world is, including myself. I spend time praying and reading my Bible every day, and I know I’m in a sweet spot close to the Father’s heart right now, but it still took two and a half months for me to realize what he was trying to tell me through the relationship I was trying to make with Angie.
The following Tuesday I was back to square one with Angie. There was distance and insecurity in who she thought I was, and I thought I would never get to hold her again. She didn’t come near us for the entire week. On our last day at Joyella we were saying goodbye as our van pulled up to take us home, and I went up to Angie and hugged her goodbye. She seemed confused and unsure but as 50 other kids swarmed us to hug us goodbye, i just picked her up one last time. She didn’t scream like I thought she would, instead she wrapped her arms around my neck, curled her tiny fists into my hair, and kept saying “gubye” in her tiny Siswati accent. She’s far from understanding and accepting what love is, but I know the Lord has already done major work on her heart. I’m so thankful I got to be a part of it, but also deeply saddened that I only had a few weeks with her. I also know that because of the vulnerable state she lives in I may never see her again at the gates of Heaven.
I know this story seems simple and basic from the surface because all it truly is, is reminding you that Jesus loves you– something we’ve been taught from day one as Christians, but knowing and believing the deep love and longing that the Lord has for us are so incredibly different. It’s easy to know, that you know, that you know, that Jesus loves you, but truly receiving it, letting it wash over you in every moment of every day, living your life confidently in the solid and undeniable fact that you have a Father who wants and needs you as much as you want and need him, who knows your heart better than you know your own, will wreck your life.
This is something the Lord spoke over me a few weeks ago that got me stated on this track that I want to share:
“Erika, I have created you strong and independent, wise and kind, loving and loyal. Yes I have made you strong and independent but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be dependent on me. I want to be wanted, needed, I want and need you. There’s a place in my heart only you can fill just like there’s a place in yours made for me. I see you searching to understand. Struggling to believe and that’s okay, it’s actually more than okay– it delights me– it delights me that you are unwilling to settle no matter the cost or price. I made you that way, never feel shame for how I’ve created you. You are my most amazing creation. You are my beloved. The thought of you brings a smile to my lips, oh how I desperately long for you my beloved. When the sun rises I think of you, I craft the sunsets for your pleasure. Don’t forget my love for you, that I am a gentleman, that there is pain and strife in everyone’s life, but it’s not my will that you suffer. My will is that you come closer and closer to me so that on the day we meet, face to face, you already know me. Know me deeply, intimately, that you can’t help but delight because your love for me overwhelms you, because you’re already all that I want. Erika, the cost of knowing me, loving me above all else is great. You’ve said yes, but I want you to think and tell me again. Am I, knowing me in an amazing way, worth it? I don’t cause you pain, but the enemy attacks more with each step you take closer. I might ask you to do hard things, say hard things, but it’s so that you can take a step closer to me because I just want to hold you. Is it worth it?
Everywhere you go, I’ll be with you. Go where your heart desires, have I not intimately crafted each portion of your heart? Is not my heart your heart? Go. Just go. I’m already there, I am with you before and behind. You, my love, are a world changer, no matter what you do you can’t fail me. No matter what you do you will be a Kingdom gainer.” -Abba
I decided to share that because I believe and received my Savior’s love, and I know that if he feels that deeply for me, his love is just as overwhelming and romantic for you.
So this story could’ve been told in fewer words, more simply put, but at the end of the day, Jesus is longing for you, yearning to let you love him and then love him in return.
If there was only one story I could tell from the entire nine months I’ve spent overseas, it would be this one.
