I’ve been thinking of writing this blog for a few weeks, and even as I begin writing and researching it today, I know it will still be another few weeks before I’m finished with it. For me this blog will be difficult to read, write, and process because this is not a “feel-good” or a “self-hype” session for myself. It holds a lot of truth, much of which is ugly and deeply hurts to admit about myself, but I see the enneagram as tool that exists to better ourselves so we can then better those around us. I’m not an expert of the enneagram or my type by any means, I’m simply writing about what my life has looked like as a One– my talents and areas of expertise that help me excel in life, and also my pitfalls and the deep cracks in my soul– the things that I hate about myself. For me this blog is more intimate and vulnerable than my testimony, so please meet me with grace that I’m still learning to have for myself.
So what is the enneagram? Like I said earlier, it’s a tool that describes nine different personality types with their own mental, emotional, and behavioral patterns. It also explains how and why the patterns are developed throughout childhood. The entire enneagram system is incredibly complex and difficult to comprehend, so I’m doing my best to stick to the basics. As Russel Rowe best puts it, “the enneagram can act as a powerful mirror to help us see the hidden nature of our own personality structure, but more importantly, it can be used as a self-awareness tool to help us let go of our personality type’s habitual ways of being that don’t serve us…. or the world.” If you’ve never heard of or taken the enneagram, I highly recommend it.
I am a One on the enneagram, and when I first read through the One’s description, I felt like everything that had always confused me about myself was finally starting to make sense. Things I had always known about myself but had never been able to put into words were finally put into words for me, and it made sense! It felt good, like I was relearning things I already knew. But the enneagram also focuses on your weaknesses and why you have them. Reading those suckers about myself hit me hard and deep and it hurt. It hurt so much because I knew it was true. In John 8 Jesus says, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” In my case, the truth is setting me free from myself. It’s setting me free from all the lies I’ve believed and told myself for my entire life. It’s letting Jesus step in and rewrite those lies with the truth that he sees, loves, and created in me.
Common handles for the One are “the perfectionist,” “the reformer,” and “the moralizer.” The ones that hit me the hardest are definitely the perfectionist and the moralizer because a lot of my drive behind what I do comes from a desire to do things perfectly and a moral obligation to simply do good things. I’m motivated to act based on an inner critic that tells me what to do, and riddles me with guilt when I don’t listen. Sadly, that’s how I’ve lived most of my life. There were and are times where I’m definitely not perfect (obviously), but for the most part I’ve pushed myself incredibly hard in everything I did to prove that I was good enough to myself. My high standards for myself are generally what I care about the most, and I don’t find a lot of my identity in what other’s think. I know if I can please my inner critic then others will also see my actions as valuable and meaningful.
Ones are known to have “inner critics” that constantly hold themselves in check, telling them what they “should” and “shouldn’t” do. I’ve always been aware of my inner critic, but I also didn’t realize that not everyone has one. For almost my whole life I just thought I was insanely competitive with myself, but it turns out, I’m just always in a state of conflict torn between what I “should do” to become “better,” and what I actually want to do. Because of this conflict, I’m often in a state of self-denial, giving up my desires for what my inner critic is telling me is morally “better,” and as a result I’m really self-disciplined. I always have a mental list running in my head of things I need to do and become better at. Ironically, the first time I read a description of the One I was making a mental list of everything I needed to fix about myself to become “healthy” without even realizing it. It wasn’t until a few pages later where I read about the One’s tendency to make these lists and I realized what I was doing.
Like everything in the world, humans can vary between healthy and unhealthy states. In terms of the enneagram, healthy Ones are described as “truthful, reasonable, ethical, highly principled, hardworking, conscientious, organized and productive. They have a strong sense of morality and live by their principles. They have extremely high standards for themselves but are tolerant of human shortcomings. Healthy Ones are self-disciplined and strive for excellence at all times. They are service-oriented, want to contribute to others’ welfare and often have a strong sense of purpose. Healthy Ones have strong convictions yet are just, impartial and objective, respectful of others’ values, and open to hearing other peoples’ points of view. They are highly idealistic and constantly looking for better ways to live and do things. They set long-term goals and patiently work towards them, often delaying gratification and sacrificing rewards for themselves.”
Similarly, average Ones are “motivated by the need to live life the right way and improve themselves, others and the world. However, they can feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders because they feel personally obligated to do everything and ‘fix’ everyone. Average Ones tend to worry and get overwhelmed easily. They see disorder everywhere. Ones truly believe ‘if you want a job done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.’ They can be really hard on themselves and others, especially when under a lot of stress or feeling overburdened. Ironically, average Ones are very sensitive to criticism themselves and try to avoid it by doing everything perfectly. Average Ones live by an internal list of rules, schedules and ‘shoulds.’ They can be orderly, methodical and well-organized but they can also be impersonal, rigid and emotionally constricted. They are afraid of making mistakes so they can be incredibly painstakingly in their work.”
“Unhealthy Ones can become extremely impatient and frustrated with anything less than perfection in themselves or others. They can be closed-minded, convinced they’re always right, and that they know ‘the truth.’ They begin to reproach others for not living up to their ideals and for not being all that they could be. They tend to alienate others by being controlling, inflexible, self-righteous, and intolerant. They can be moralizing and preachy, scolding and lecturing others to try harder lest they continue to make mistakes. They can become indignant, bitter and angry at others for not listening to them.”
Different things from each state of health stick out to me, but overall I think I’m an average One. People have told me that I’m too critical and can come off judgmental. I take it out (hard) on myself when I make mistakes. Finding rest is difficult for me when I have a constant list of things to do in my head. I’m almost always unconsciously comparing myself to others. Resentment is hard to let go of and forgiveness is hard to give. I feel like it’s my moral obligation to do everything I can to leave the world a better place. There’s always a mental battle in my mind of what I think I “should be doing” rather than what I actually would like to do. I get frustrated and disappointed when other people don’t pull their weight. I do my best in my work and redo the work of others so it can be better. I feel like I try harder than others to do things correctly. I have rigid self-control and discipline from my inner critic. I can be a “work-acholic,” but I can also procrastinate because the thought of having to get every detail perfectly overwhelms me (e.g., this blog). I do everything I can to avoid showing anger. I’m not always adaptable because I see the world as black and white and right and wrong. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can be a better person.
But, I am also responsible and safety conscious. Details so are important to me and I love them. I’m great at planning things out. I’m financially responsible. I’m highly self-motivated. I can be orderly, organized, and neat. I have a strong value for sacrifice. If I say I’ll do it, I’ll do it and I’ll do it extremely well. I thrive in routines. I love to excel and take pride in doing things well. I value honesty, integrity and objectivity. I believe that if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing correctly. I enjoy naturally educating others. I strive to do all things with excellence, even if I don’t like the task.
When I’m healthy I integrate towards a Seven on the enneagram, meaning that my judgements and self-criticism begin to relax, and I allow myself to enjoy the little things and be spontaneous. I’m better at making decisions because I can recognize what I want to do rather than what I feel I “have” to do, and I become less guilt-ridden, which helps me express the full range of my emotions. I become more funny, witty, relaxed, and spend more time doing the things I love– adventuring, creating things (art, music, baking), laughing until I cry, and being wild in the outdoors. When I’m healthy my curiosity, imagination, and creativity are what drive me instead of my inner critic and guilt. I feel so much less obligation to “do” life and instead enjoy it with my friends and family. It’s like I can take a step back and breath freely. But, when I’m in an unhealthy state I take on the negative aspects of a Four. I become more self-absorbed, anxious, and depressed. I shut-down, withdraw from family and friends and completely isolate myself. I become emotional, moody, painfully self-conscious, hostile and overly-critical. At my worst I turn my insanely high standards against myself and become single-minded, only able to see everything wrong with myself and the world.
We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses, and it’s equally important to be aware of both. It’s also good to know where our strengths and weaknesses come from and to be able to spot their appearances. I know that when I start to shut down, become entitled, and overly critical of everything around me, I’m sliding into my unhealthy state. I think we all fluctuate in our health throughout our lives, but when we can recognize it in the moment we can take steps to stop or slow the unhealthy decline. Some of mine are using my resentment, suppressed anger, guilt, etc., as clues to my denied wants and needs; appreciating different ways of doing things; learning to accept and forgive imperfections in myself and others; paying attention to my thinking in terms of “right and wrong”; being aware of my procrastination about getting everything done perfectly; using my critic to remind myself of my achievements and skills; making time for rest and doing things I really enjoy; making “harmless” mistakes on purpose; and most importantly, remembering that God’s grace requires nothing of me and to continue practicing how to have grace for myself.
I don’t believe the enneagram is the “is all/end all” of who people are. It’s also not a box or a label for the world to categorize us. I don’t think the enneagram is even close to fully defining everything a person can be. It’s just a tool that helps us look the world from our own perspectives, and when we become aware of how our perspectives can manipulate ourselves, we’re able to step outside of our own limitations. I think it helps us understand more of who we are and why we tick the way we do, as well as giving us tips on how to step out of automatic unhealthy habits. By simply knowing these things about ourselves and choosing to work through our weaknesses, we can live more fulfilling lives and create healthier relationships with each other.
Maybe you think these things are important and they resonated with you, but maybe they didn’t and you think the enneagram is kind of pointless.
I’m okay with either.
Love, e
